1.14: Revetion“You’re utterly pathetic,” the oni groused as she gestured for me to enter her office… which, moments ago, had seemed as distant and unreachable as the moon.

  I gnced at her crudely drawn, poorly constructed sign taped next to the faded metal pque on her door, fpping in the breeze.

  Pathetic? Talk about the pot calling the kettle bck.

  I stepped inside, expecting utter chaos.

  Clutter, garbage, unwashed bowls, anime posters peeling off the wall. Instead, the pce was spotless. Everything was tidy, organized, almost aggressively neat. Shame flooded me. My apartment was a nuclear disaster zone by comparison. I’d barely cleaned in a month. Seeing her office was like being personally judged by the gods of tidiness.

  Potted pnts stood happily on the windowsill. The desk gleamed with a polished hardwood finish that probably cost more than my yearly sary. It sat commandingly in the middle of the room. Behind it, an impressive bookshelf towered, neatly lined with books and scrolls.

  Rui looked at me expectantly.

  Oh right… I forgot to respond to her insult.

  I saluted crisply. “Pathetic-kun reporting, sir! Or should I say Turd-kun?”

  She stared. Then slowly facepalmed. “I didn’t expect you to have no pride whatsoever. How about Idiot-kun? That seems more accurate.”

  How was I supposed to guess that’s what she wanted?

  Did she want praise for being neat or something? Did the loli dragon want tribute?? Was she a tsundere general??? My brain was melting.

  “Actually…” I coughed. “My grades in high school were around fifth in my css. I’m pretty average. Not outstanding, but not as terrible as you think either.”

  Does this loli ogre even go to school? She looked maybe twelve or thirteen despite acting like she was my aged apartment nddy.

  “Really? You’re just… mediocre?” She rolled her eyes. “More like a weak neet dropout on top of everything else.”

  “W-WHAT?!” I gasped. “H-HEY! I graduated!”

  She shrugged, the kind of exaggerated shrug that mocks you without words.

  “What about college? Most go on to college, you know. What’ve you been doing? A whole lot of nothing? Why are you even fighting so hard to get your life back? It’s obvious you aren’t worth all that much. I’ll admit your costume is pretty high quality though. Is that a real sentai suit? Must’ve been expensive,” she added thoughtfully, watching me like I was a walking puzzle.

  “What’s with the interrogation?” I stamped angrily, but didn’t want to wear thin what little welcome I’d gotten. “Look, I’m fighting for my mind here! Not just my face… my body… my entire identity! These are all I have left! I’m about to lose my apartment too. The nddy hates my guts just because of my face… Not who I am. Discriminating me for what I look like… And my parents even practically stopped supporting me and basically pushed me out! As awful as my life sounds, I’m losing who I am!” I snapped.

  “...Well, at least the Noh-face didn’t take your nuts. That’s good, right?” she said with a wicked grin.

  “You— You little—!” I sputtered. “I’m a noh-FACE! Not a noh-NUTS! Do those even exist?”

  “Yeah. I think they’re called eunuchs, baka. Pft!” She cackled. “Noh-nuts! Ha! It just rolls off the tongue so nicely, doesn’t it? Nooohhh-nuts.” She even stretched her voice out spooky-like.

  “STOP SAYING THAT!” I raged, stomping hard enough to rattle a nearby pnt in its pnting pot. I yanked my helmet off in frustration, revealing my sweaty noh-face. She winced.

  “Whew… it really did a number on you, Noh-nuts,” she said smugly.

  “I SWEAR—! Can we stop repeating that stupid name?! You just won’t let it go! Just like a dog with a bone!” I spread my mouth wide. “Can you see my teeth grinding?! RAaaaaaaa!!”

  “Nope,” she said ftly. “Anyway… enough of all the comedy schtick. Let’s talk about your problem.”

  Something strange had happened, I realized… Her face had changed. Before, she was emanating pure resentment for being intruded on. This was actually a profound shift.

  Was this actually just an act?

  Her posture even had changed subtly. I’d been so caught up in what she was saying to me, that I hadn’t noticed right away.

  The change now was even more profound. It was as though she’d switched herself to a slightly more professional mode.

  Maybe being in her office with introductions… or rather interrogations over with, now that she had me in her territory… she was finally somewhat ready to drop the guarded, bitter tone she’d used outside.

  While she talked, I looked around. Her “office” was clearly also her home.

  A TV sat on a small stand with a low table beside it. A futon y neatly folded near it. A second bookshelf was stuffed with manga and anime. The TV was on, pying some insane ultra-violent, fanservice-heavy anime that I didn’t recognize.

  Around the TV, there were other hints of Rui’s obsessions. Tiny details that made the whole space feel like a shrine to her chaotic hobbies. A stack of well-worn baseball magazines leaned against the wall, half-hidden behind a plushie of a well known foul-mouthed magical girl, Kira Kira Hakase. The anime, Magical Riot - KiraKira Sughter Academy, was notorious for its nonstop yuri fanservice. Several neatly arranged baseballs, each signed by someone with permanent markers, sat in a small basket beside the futon.

  On the shelf beneath the TV, anime Blu-rays were squeezed in tight beside packs of baseball cards, unopened booster sets practically begging to be torn into. A pair of scuffed batting gloves rested on the edge of the low table, as though she’d dropped them there just before colpsing onto the futon the night before. Even her controllers had stickers of her favorite baseball team pstered on them. Full chibi mascots, sparkly decals, and one extremely judgmental cat-girl baseball pyer known as Nekomi “Slugger” Arashino, smming a home run.

  Somehow, despite all the variety, everything was arranged in a way that was very her, not that I knew her well. Everything in that little area was messy enough to look chaotic, but everything was clearly pced with enough order so that she could find anything the moment she needed it. It was the living space of someone who lived on caffeine, anime, and thrived on competition.

  The contrast was extremely… jarring.

  There were books about mysticism. Research scrolls. And right beside them… a manga series called “Chainsaw Pope”.

  She pointed imperiously toward the living area. “I offered you tea. Don’t mess anything up in here. Don’t touch my research papers. Just watch TV like a good… ehe… Noh-nuts.”

  WHY. CAN’T. SHE. STOP?!

  “I don’t watch anime much these days,” I muttered.

  “Why not?” she asked absently as she walked to her kitchenette. A tiny stove, a flowery white kettle… somehow the most delicate object in this strangely organized chaos.

  “Watching anime and reading manga don’t pay the bills,” I said as I wandered toward the desk, poking curiously at an eldritch-looking array carved into the surface. My fingers grazed a book there.

  … Yokai for Dummies.YOKAI FOR DUMMIES?!!!!

  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—

  I screamed internally and externally.

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

  She gnced at me while opening a sealed container. “Do you like Monaka, Noh-nuts?” she asked.

  “DAMN IT!” I yelled as I grabbed the cursed book off the desk. “You fraud! How dare you call me that constantly?!”

  I hurled it at her.

  She didn’t move. Only tilted her head slightly. The book sailed past, hit the wall, and slid to the floor.

  She grinned like a tiny devil.

  “Why are you smiling like that?! I’ll just go die… if I even can! My hope is DEAD!” I shouted, storming for the door.

  “Hmmm… you’d leave just like that?” Rui mused behind me.

  “No. Well… I…” I snapped, grabbing the front door’s knob.

  Her footsteps approached lightly.

  …

  Her small hand smmed firmly over mine.

  “I take it back,” she said calmly.

  I froze.

  “You do have some balls, I guess.” She flushed, looking away. “More like guts. Even now you’re ranting and stomping around. Pft. You don’t just sit there and take abuse. You snap back. You’ll need those guts.” She lifted a container she held in her other hand.

  I eyed her skeptically.

  “What I said before was a joke. Or a test, if you’d prefer.” She nodded toward the thrown book. “Yokai for Dummies. When I saw it in Akihabara, I had to buy it. It was hirious! Did you think I bought it just to troll customers? Or that I knew YOU would walk in?”

  She tapped her chin, snickering. “Well… thinking about it now… that would’ve been really funny. I ought to consider keeping it around.”

  She held the container and looked into my noh-eyes.

  “Anyway. The truth.” She grew serious, her voice steady. “I’ve been investigating a series of murders across the st few months. They’ve been escating tely. This case is mystical. The police can’t handle it. This case is very much reted to yours.”

  She stepped in front of me… tiny, but somehow towering.

  “I’ll take your case. You can owe me ter.” She wagged a finger. “But you’ll work your ass off. Both during and after.” A grin spread across her face. “And honestly? You’re wonderful bait. You might even make a decent bodyguard if your noh-face strength matches the legends.”

  I gaped. “W-what?! Bait? BODYGUARD? ME?!”

  “Yep!” She cpped her hands together. “Find your nuts, Noh-nuts. We start now.”

  Relwing