I stormed into Vei’Ryn’s bubble moments after I found myself in the Dream, feeling slightly bad that I rushed passed Daisy without so much as a wave. But I didn’t want to scare her and I’m pretty sure the Dream was making me look somewhat more… monstrous than usual. My prosthetic was a d I felt the weight of horns on my head, I didn’t want to think about what this meant for my mental state.

  “VEI’RYN!” I screamed, failing to keep my anger in check. Hell, I might have stopped trying.

  Movement to my side drew my eye. It was the Dream Goddess pulling herself up and awake from a plush bed made of pink clouds. “Saint? What’s going on? You shouldn’t be asleep yet,” she muttered as she rubbed sleep from her eyes. I would think about what that meant ter.

  “She wasn’t dead!” I threw the words at her, an accusation and a cry of pain.

  She froze mid stride, eye widening and more stars joining her vision. “Oh…”

  “Oh? OH!? You destroyed us!” It hurt to say, to think about. But I couldn’t stop the words from p out. “You shoved Dani’s soul into Lietri’s body before she had passed to the river!”

  “Watch how you speak to a god. I give you leeway because of what happened, but mind your tone.” She tried to look angry, majestic, powerful. Swelling up in divine presence. But all I saw was the guilt and shame on her face.

  “Don’t you dare throw that bullshit at me! I get to be fug angry! And yoing to LET me be because if you don’t, I stop doing a damhing to help you!” I stomped forward as she shrunk back down to my size, looking away in shame.

  “I suppose you do have that right. I’m sorry.” Her words were soft, softer than a goddess should ever speak. The pain I felt from her bled away some of my anger. “I told you we made mistakes. That was the… the one we regret the most. Lietri, she wasn’t moving and we just assumed—, we shouldn’t have assumed anything. I could cim it was because we were rushed, and we were. But the truth is we were simply negligent.”

  “Why didn’t you let us both free from each other?”

  She cleared her throat and pulled her legs to her chest, floating in the air before me with her face against her knees. I could still hear her reply as though there were nothing muffling it. “Because you both would have passed to the river immediately and been beyond our reach. We’d have lost precious time we didn’t have. I know, it was selfish and wrong. Nel was horrified, she still is to be ho. She hated it, tried to vince us to let you both die whole even if it meant we died too. She said it wasn’t worth our survival to do what we were doing to you two.”

  I ched my fists. “Maybe she was right.”

  Vei’Ryn lifted her head to look at me. “I ’t ge it now. It’s too te to save the people you were, you’ve spent too long merging.”

  “Soul tai, what is it?” I had an idea, but I needed her to tell me.

  She rubbed her face, wiping away tears that were falling stars across her skin. “Your souls were struggling for trol, tearing at each other, fragmenting. We put them both in a barrier to hold them together so they would st long enough te.”

  “So.” I took a few shaky breaths, letting the truth fully sink into my mind. “I’m really not Lietri, or Dani.”

  “No. They’re gone, forever. A sin we’ll carry fes.” She smiled, but it was the smile of one who did so to avoid g. “I thought, you know, I could justify it. Think it wasn’t so bad, they were gone, but Esme exists now. Two souls for one isn’t a fair deal, even if it were so simple an issue.”

  The rage slipped away, the memories of Charon’s words letting me anyself and find some small spot of calm inside me. I wasn’t pletely without anger, but I could, at least for the moment, pull free of its influence. “You didn’t just make a mistake, you royally fucked up. This… no wonder Charon was angry. I don’t know how he let this go as easily as he has, I’m not sure I .”

  She nodded slowly. “I uand. You’ve… you’re done more than enough. I won’t hold you any longer. I’m sorry Esme.”

  “STOP.” I voice I didn’t reize called from nearby, I turned ahe overwhelmiion of my mind struggling to uand a god for the first time.

  She was smiles on a birthday, the dles and gifts and cheers for another year with at someone’s side. She was the tears at a funeral, the wailing of grief that a loved one is gone and all you have are the memories. She was a somber remembrance of a tragedy, the listing of names of the fallen and a promise to never let it happen again. She was raising a gss to a day of victory, a grin and ugh and cheer that the world smiled on mortals for once. She was lit dles in a somber temple, heads bowed in resped her flickering light casting shadows as a stark reminder of the depth of importahe day deserves. She was names on a wall, fireworks and dang, tired farmers downing ale at the end of harvest and looking forward to days of rest.

  I stayed on my feet as all she was focused intnizable form. Pale blue skin with streaks of every aginable down her sides. Her hair flowed in ribbons of white and bck, looking somehow both joyful and sad at the same time in a way that hurt to think about. Her face was mature, the features of a mother that had lived through much joy and much sorrow. Laugh lines ran the course of her face—all of them deep and adding a sense of profound weario her warm, but tired smile. Her eyes were gss orbs filled with specks that shimmered a different color every time the light on them ged. Her hands a were calloused and worn with two gs on her left hand’s middle and ring finger. She wore a simple light gray outfit without sides and simply tied around her waist with a pale red cord, like someone made a tabard into a dress. It showed a lot of skin, but somehow she looked extremely respectable, sacred even.

  She stepped closer and offered me a smile that hurt my heart. “I am sorry Esme, I truly am. I tried to stop this. But desperation and the survival of others stole your choices. Were I able, I would trade my own soul t back the ohat we broke.”

  “Nel! You don’t mean that.” Vei’Ryn protested.

  “I do.” She said quietly, simply. She touched the Dreamer’s shoulder and turo me once more. “I am Nel Faeylorn, the Ritual. I am a goddess of Celebration and Remembrance. I write the names of the lost, mark the days of joy, accept the tears of m. I am a memory of the world I am worshiped on. Those who are lost live on within what I represent. The idea of two lost so pletely that they will never be recovered, never cross the river— it is an ao everything I am. I hate what we did more thahers, more than they could even prehend. But it is done, and nothing undo it.”

  “So I should just accept it?” I tried to not spit the words out, it was easier now than it had been.

  “What more you do?” Her voice almost failed her, tears streamed down her face. I knew somehow, tears were on for her. But they were not lesser for it. “Will turning away aid you somehow? Will tossing my lover aside make anythier? I HATE this. It tears at everything I am meant to be. But even I must accept what is done.”

  “Nel.” Vei'Ryn looked at the Ritual with guilt and pain. “I didn’t mean to-”

  “Stop. Stop. I am upset with you, with all of you, but I e you for your desire to live. You were not affected by all of that the same way I was. You could not have realized.” She reached out to stroke Vei’Ryn’s face softly. “I still love you.”

  I shivered, the anger weaker than the hurt finally. “What do I do?” I fell to my knees. “What… who am I?”

  epped closer and k down to kiss my cheek. “You are Esme. Lietri and Dani are lost, but you are not. You have their memories, their pain, their aheir joy… little though they had. Hold on to who they were however feels right for you. Remember them. Then live on as you. Celebrate your life, your loves, your future. One day you too will pass from this world and cross the river. When that happens, you should-”

  “Have stories to tell my friend.” I spoke, letting my head hang. “He wanted me to have many happy stories for him.”

  She nodded and pulled me into a hug. I… I . “Remember them, celebrate what you of them, and live a life worth celebrating from here on.”

  I held her for a few long moments before she pulled back. “Now, I know you want to stay, to be angry, and you have every right. But there is a celebration happening in the waking world, one you had a hand iing. I would suggest you take part in it. Those you love are waiting on you.”

  And then I woke up. I was thrown out of the Dream. I didn’t even know that ossible.

  I turned and ed my arms around Luv, burying my fato her neck. She held me close and stroked my head softly. “That was f-fast.”

  I sighed. “It was… shorter than I wanted. But I think-, I think maybe I o be here mht now.”

  She smiled and started to get up, but I held her tight. “Not yet. Let me be here with you just a moment longer.”

  “Esme?” Her arms tightened around me. “Is something wrong?”

  “Everything. Everything is wrong. But. Everything is also good. So good, I fot for a minute how amazing things are.” I pulled my head up and kissed my lover tenderly. “I love you Luvetra. I never want tet that, not ever for a sed. I never want to let myself slip away from that part of me that holds you close to my heart.”

  She blushed deeply, a smile pying on the edges of her lips. But she pushed it down and looked into my eyes. “What happened?”

  I smiled sadly aed my head against her shoulder again. “I remembered dying.” Luv curled herself around me, as if to try and shield me from the world with her body. I felt her heartbeat speed up and heard the whimper of worry she let free. “I… I’m not what I thought I was.”

  “You’re Esme. Y-you’re my love, me and C-Carmil’s.” I nodded ahe tears flow. “Y-you are a member of Dekarru’s t-t-tribe. A follower of the Green-, G-Green Mother’s Path. You are the oh-that brought gifts of love and life to us.”

  I pressed against her and shuddered as sobs tore from me. I mourned myself, the two that I once was. The two that were broken and who would never cross the river. Part of me tried tue with myself, to say that they were still a part of me. But I didn’t believe that. I was something else. Something built from the pieces of them, but only pale shadows of who they were.

  But maybe… Maybe that was for the best. I could remember so much more now and I don’t think I liked either of them. I think Esme is happier, healthier, more stable thaher of those who made her with their destru. That felt strao think about, guilty at feeling like a better person that those who were sacrificed to create me. But at least I was happier.

  “Luv. I want to celebrate with the others.” I spoke softly. “I want to be happy with the people important to me. Tomorrow we’ll talk about sad things, but today is a day of joy. I want to be a part of it.”

  She lifted my gently, her eyes pierg my own in a way that made me feel wonderfully exposed. She could see all of me, I wahat forever. Nothing hidden from the sight of those I love. “Are you sure? Are you p-pushing yourself too far?”

  I smiled softly. “It’s an ugly thing, what’s happening to me. But I’m tired, so tired of the hurt being my focus. I want to celebrate, I want to live and smile and ugh ahe warmth of my tribe. My family. So, maybe I am pushing. But I think I , at least right now.” I kissed her, my lips soft against hers for a few brief moments. “I’m not sure I’ll do this right, so I need you and everyoo help me.”

  She smiled and nuzzled her face against mine. “I love you,” she spoke before pulling herself up and me along with her. Within moments I was being princess carried by my giant lover out towards the party. I started to protest but it was half-hearted and Luv silenced me with a small kiss. So I just sighed softly aed my head against her chest as she walked out. It was nice, f, safe.

  I khat this was only a reprieve from the problem, or at least from my feelings about it. But at least part of me knew Nel was right. I o be there for Red and Brigga, for them as much as for myself. I was happy. Fucked up situation be damned, I was actually happy. I just needed reminders. Thankfully I had a wonderful tribe to help me with that.