“Are you sure everything is ok? You’ve been a bit off all week”. Alanah shook her head slowly while not raising her gaze to meet Amos’ latest line of enquiry. “mmmh, I’m ok I guess, just a bit tired and a bit bored with all of this reading we are doing to keep Jim happy.”

  The old floor creaked as Amos turned and moved off to their makeshift kitchen to clean up their lunch dishes. Another quiet meal had just passed between them, yet another period of time where Alanah’s usual chatter and sharp humor was noticeably absent. Alanah shrugged herself further into the worn leather recesses of the old club chair and went back to pretending to read her novel.

  Jim had insisted that they read the classics as he called them. Alanah was not sure why, she was reading The Willows by some Blackwood fellow and as far as she could see it was just about two men getting stuck in a canoe in a flooded river. Up Shit Creek without a Paddle would have been a far better title she thought and not for the last time she wondered what, if anything would happen in this stupid book.

  It wasn’t the book that was on her mind. Earlier in the week Alanah had decided to take a commuter train back to her old neighborhood in the small town of Newburyport just north of Boston. She didn’t tell Amos where she was going and had instead made up some excuse about taking a day just for her, a day free from bad driving and Jim’s lectures.

  She felt a bit mean in saying this, Amos was doing remarkably well at driving for someone with no training. He took driving quite seriously and did everything with a quiet intensity and lots of planning prior to starting out. His biggest challenge was bending the rules, he still wasn’t convinced that he should exceed the posted limits or turn left on a red light after it changed from yellow and it was only the honking from other cars and her yelling that could get him to move.

  He also allowed everyone to cut in front, at any time, whenever they wanted. This made Alanah furious and on more than one occasion they had really confused the other diver with Amos politely waving them in and then, just moments later, Alanah leaning out of the passenger window and yelling insults and making rude gestures at both Amos and the other driver.

  Jim’s efforts to keep them engaged and learning were sweet and well intentioned. Alanah knew this in her heart but she still struggled with the attention and the routine. It was such a sudden change. As quickly as she had won control over her life from Aunt Hazel and Giorgio, she wondered if she had given it up unknowingly to Jim with his studies , his advice and his old books and Amos with his plans and their squat in the mostly abandoned building.

  Over the last few weeks, even with their successes and adventures she kept feeling more doubts and anxiety about her previous life and who she had been. Her parents were gone, there was nothing that would change that but the relocation to Aunt Hazel’s had been so sudden and final, she hadn’t had any chance to let go of her old small town life, her friends and Will.

  As much as she missed her parents and her childhood home, it was really Will who had been occupying her thoughts lately. He was an older boy and her first crush, her first kiss and she was afraid to think it, was he her first love as well? As a good looking, popular older boy, Will was well aware of the interest he commanded amongst the many girls his age and younger that vied for his attention.

  Their relationship had been a long drawn out affair so far, not really a relationship but instead, lots of flirting and then lots of mixed signals. Most of the time Alanah was terribly confused and resentful and just as she resolved herself to pull away for good, Will would seem to sense this. He would become much more attentive, caring and sincere, at least for a short while and then as soon as Alanah let her guard down and allowed her feelings and hopes to grow again, Will would begin to drift.

  This is how she described her relationship with Will to her friends yet no amount of encouragement could convince her that she should move on. Late last winter for a few months after Christmas the flu had hit the area especially hard along with a number of other related illnesses. School was shut down again and most people stayed home and did not venture out that much. This was when Alanah lost her father and then her mother just a few weeks apart from each other.

  During the last weeks with her mother her fear and grief had been a constant companion, it occupied her mind every waking minute and she felt powerless to do anything to stop what was happening much less what might happen next.

  During this period, for the first time in their relationship Will acted like a committed, devoted boyfriend. He called on Alanah and her mother every day and brought prepared foods and fresh produce that they couldn’t afford from his parents grocery store.

  The worst period in her life had brought them closer together and at this time, all of Alanah’s former insecurities about her age, her clothing, her looks and other girls just did not matter to her. When he first came to help at the house she would normally have been on edge, embarrassed and stumbling over herself while worrying constantly about what he might think of her home, her parents and how that reflected on her.

  Carrying for a bedridden, weakened and dying parent gave Alanah an humility and sense of purpose that rendered her schoolgirl fears so meaningless that she did not even think of them most days. It also gave her a resolute sense of purpose that allowed Will to see an aura of strength and grace in Alanah that he had never appreciated in her before. For the first time Will started to feel a loss of control over Alanah and his own feelings towards her.

  The death of Alanah’s mother briefly strengthened these feeling and their relationship but then the sudden move to her Aunt Hazel’s ended everything with a seemingly abrupt and harsh finality. Alanah was still grieving and was unable to react or do much to change things and even if she did, she had little options to do so. Within a week their house was empty and she had been moved into Boston and all at once, Will and Newburyport seemed to be a world away from her.

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  In the weeks and months that followed Alanah had stayed in a low level state of shock. By not fully accepting what had happened she was able to avoid dealing with all of the sudden loss in her life. When she did allow herself to mourn, it was the loss of her relationship with Will more often than thoughts of her parents. Feelings of guilt and self loathing would soon follow, only to be added to the sadness she was wading through each day.

  Alanah soon learned to avoid feeling much at all and she eventually got to a point where she had accepted her situation and had decided to try improve it a little bit. Nothing could be done to improve life with Hazel but the potential income and distraction from working at Girogio’s seemed like a good opportunity for Alanah so she convinced her Aunt to let her try.

  The next few months were tumultuous for Alanah and once again she was forced through a period of abrupt and sudden change. For as much as she had gained in self respect, financial and personal freedom and from the new friendships with Amos and Jim, she had also become increasingly restless about her unresolved emotional ties to Newburyport and to Will.

  The bell made the same ring as she opened the front door to the store as she stepped inside. She felt a swelling of emotion as the familiar scents and sound of the small town grocery store embraced her as she stood there while the door slowly closed behind. None of the two cashiers at the front were familiar to her but since it was a late June afternoon she was hoping she might find will in the produce section where he was usually stocking and rotating items in the various display cases and open shelves.

  At first glance she did not see him and it was the sound of a female giggle that drew her eyes to his location. This seemingly innocent and playful sound was a sudden trigger that brought a brief jealous pang to her along with memories of so many times past where she would find Will either deep in conversation or just laughing with other girls. It had happened so often that she had learned to readily accept it as part of being with Will but each time it still hurt her self esteem and added to her many doubts.

  Alanah stood there, feeling her emotions roil behind her steady stare as she took a good look at Will for the first time in many months. He had gotten taller and leaner but broader in the shoulders. His cheeks had a darker flush of freshly shaven skin than she remembered but it suited him or at least how she saw him now. It did not take him long to look up, sensing how most people do in that unknown way when someone is looking at them for more than a few seconds.

  “Alanah, wow, Alanah…it’s you, it’s really you, what are you doing here?” The former object of his attention was a cute blonde girl with masses of curls and pale blue eyes. She stood bewildered, not sure what to do next and then decided at once to busy herself behind the bakery counter that she had been leaning up against. He hasn’t changed Alanah thought more than a bit ruefully. How many times had she been like the cute blonde? The object of his affection and attention and then suddenly forgotten and pushed aside only to be reclaimed at a later time.

  “I just came back to tie up some loose ends”. Alanah hated having to lie in their first conversation in months but she felt a sudden apprehension about Will. Her intuition and her skeptical nature was no longer blunted by grief and loss and she felt that she should not divulge too many details about her life.

  “Your Aunt came looking for you awhile ago. Your neighbors brought her here but no one could help her. She would not say much but she seemed quite upset”. “That’s odd, usually Aunt Hazel was only too happy to say what ever was on her mind. This is one of the many reasons why I no longer live with her”. “Where do you live now, are you moving back to town?”

  Alanah noticed that Will asked this last question with a genuine earnestness. The blonde in the bakery noticed as well and gave her curls a few rapid shakes as she tried to appear busy while not listening.

  Ever the expert on keeping his romantic interests apart, Will suggested that they go down the street for a coffee, he was overdue for his break anyways. “Hmmmn, what task were you just doing then” asked Alanah in a distracted fashion as she took stock of the store as they walked towards the exit. Many shelves have large bare sections on them and the whole store looked a lot more run down than she remembered. Had it always looked like this she wondered or I am noticing now after having been away?

  As they walked together Alanah began to relax and enjoy the comfort of his company and his witty and engaging nature. Soon she was reliving some of the better memories of high school and the summer time activities that all the local kids enjoyed frequently.

  Sitting at the booth across from Will, the tension and anxiety from the last few months seemed to just fall away. Here was a link to how life used to be, when she had been safe and secure, a place where she was loved and where she belonged. Sure Will was still an impossible flirt at times but he was good looking and very friendly. Of course girls would want to talk to him but he had been so devoted before she was taken to her Aunt’s and look at him now, he hadn’t taken his eyes off her since they had sat down.

  “You look great and just so different. I can’t figure it out but you have changed. Even your clothes seem so different. Those are really cool cargo pants and that jacket is badass as well. You look so much older somehow too but it hasn’t even been more than half a year since you left.”

  “We’ve all gotten older, you look different as well, you look really good too Will.”

  A moment later he was holding her hand between two of his and her stomach was light and uneasy in that way that only the very young can manifest with just a touch. His break lasted over an hour and she had to admit that they were both sorry that it had to end. “How long are you staying, where are you staying and when can I see you again?”

  All of these were questions that would have filled her with pure joy months ago had she been able to hear him ask them. The joy she felt now was intertwined with guilt and apprehension. She had a new life now, one so different she wasn’t even able to share the slightest details of it. To resume her relationship with Will meant that she would have to shed and forget her new life in Boston completely and somehow find a place in Newburyport again.

  These were problems that she could not solve today so she resolved not to dwell on them at the moment and then the lies she needed came easily. “It’s complicated with my Aunt so I don’t want to share too much at once, I’m still in Boston and I have a great place and a few good friends that want to help me out. I wasn’t sure when I might come back here again.” Alanah took a long look at Will and then said without fully realizing what she was saying “when would you like to see me again?

  Amos came back into the main area of their office squat and sat down across from Alanah. “Something is bugging you. You don’t have to tell me what but if you want to, I am happy to listen”.

  Alanah stared at Amos from behind her book but didn’t say anything. Amos tried a different approach “sometimes just ice cream is enough to make things a bit better, you coming?”

  Alanah dropped her book to the floor with a thump and peeled herself out of the leather chair “sure, why not, right now that might be a good idea”. “Great” said Amos, “I want to talk to you about tomorrow as well , lets do an early morning run to the farm and then try the market in Charleston in the afternoon, there should be lots of good customers for us there. Tomorrow’s gonna be a great day”.