It had been forty-eight hours.

  I hadn't left the loft. I hadn't attended a single lecture. I was living in a pathetic, repeating cycle of withdrawal. I would wake up, eat handfuls of dry cereal straight from the box, drink warm beer to numb my pounding head, and chain-smoke cigarettes on the sofa. Then, I would crawl back into bed, pulling her abandoned pillow over my face to inhale the fading scent of her vanil perfume, crying until my body physically exhausted itself into sleep.

  Every hour, I picked up my phone. I sent long, desperate paragraphs. I begged. I apologized for things I didn't even understand.

  Message Not Delivered. She was still blocking me. She wasn't coming back.

  Just please. Please. I just want you to come back.

  By the morning of the third day, my tear ducts were completely empty. My body felt incredibly weak, like I was recovering from a severe illness. Staring at the ceiling, the cold, hard logic finally broke through my denial. I had to accept it. I had to accept that she was never actually mine. I had just been borrowing her from someone else.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. I tried to remember the mental exercises my old Sensei used to force me through to regain focus after taking a heavy hit on the mat.

  Yes. I have to move. I cannot stay in this tomb any longer. I need a distraction.

  I forced myself into the bathroom and stood under a freezing cold shower until my teeth chattered. I threw on fresh clothes, grabbed my car keys, and drove away from the loft. I needed to go somewhere completely new—somewhere that didn't have her ghost lingering in the corners.

  I drove aimlessly until I found a small, quiet café on a street I didn't recognize. I parked and walked inside.

  **

  As I stepped up to the pastry counter, a girl in a green apron turned around. Her eyes widened.

  "Daeron? Is that you?"

  "Huh?" I squinted, my sleep-deprived brain struggling to process her face. "Wait... are you Airin?"

  "Yes!" She smiled brightly, looking genuinely happy to see me. "Wow, you still remember me! How have you been?"

  "Heh. I’ve been better," I sighed, leaning heavily against the counter. "What about you? It seems like you’re doing pretty well."

  "Yeah, I love working here. It's super close to my apartment." She paused, her smile faltering as she looked me up and down. "Wow... you look like an absolute mess, Daeron. Are you hungover?"

  "Heh. Something like that. I drank way too much st night."

  "Do you want a double espresso to wake up?"

  "Yeah, please. Make it two."

  Airin nodded and got to work on the machine. When she slid the ceramic cup across the counter, I picked it up and threw the scalding espresso back like a shot of cheap vodka. I let the harsh, bitter taste burn my tongue, desperate to feel anything other than the ache in my chest.

  "So," I asked, trying to act like a normal human being. "Are you still with Jones? How has he been?"

  Airin stopped wiping the espresso machine. She threw her head back and ughed out loud. "Did you seriously forget that he dumped me back in high school?"

  "Oh, really? Oof, I’m sorry. I totally lost touch with the guys. I didn't know."

  "Chill, it’s fine. It was years ago! I have a wonderful boyfriend now anyway," she giggled, pcing the second espresso cup in front of me. "I actually thought your crew already knew the truth. Jones was just pying with me."

  I frowned, picking up the second cup. "What do you mean? Pying you how?"

  "Well, you know that he was secretly dating Jessica back then, right?" she said casually, as if talking about the weather. " He just used me as a fake girlfriend to throw Jessica’s brother off the scent. When he dumped me, he actually ughed and bragged about it. He told me Sean was getting suspicious because they were hooking up in her bedroom, so Jones needed a decoy so her dad wouldn't find out."

  I stopped breathing. The espresso cup froze halfway to my mouth.

  "Jones... was dating Jessica?"

  "Huh?" Airin's casual smile completely vanished. She looked at my pale, horrified face, realizing what she had just done. "I thought you guys knew. You were Jessica’s best friend..."

  The aftertaste of the coffee turned sickeningly foul in my mouth. I could feel the hot liquid hitting my stomach and immediately turning to ice. My chest tightened so violently I thought my ribs would snap.

  "Daeron?" Airin reached across the counter, her hand gently touching my wrist. "Are you okay? You look like you're going to throw up."

  "Yeah… I think I shouldn’t have drank that espresso on an empty stomach.. hahaha… here.. keep the change…." I stammered blindly. I threw a crumpled twenty-dolr bill onto the counter, backed away, and practically ran out the front door.

  I sprinted to my car, threw myself into the driver's seat, and smmed the door shut. I gripped the steering wheel so hard my hands shook.

  Jones?? Jessica’s high school boyfriend that Martha told me about... is fucking JONES?!

  My brain went into overdrive, desperately trying to assemble the puzzle pieces. But why? Jones was my brother. They had sex at her house. So Jones was the guy who took her virginity? But why did they lie to me? Why did she lie to me?! WHY? WHY???

  A small, high-pitched giggle escaped my throat.

  Fuck. There were no tears left to cry. There was no fiery hatred for Jones. There was no anger toward Jessica. I just felt a profound, mind-shattering wave of nausea.

  So the reason she was always so secretive around the boys wasn't because she was shy... it was because her actual boyfriend was sitting right across the booth. She was hiding me from him. But why did she seduce me in the empty cssroom? Was I just an affair? Was I the one sneaking around with my best friend's girl? Am I the bad guy?

  I let out a sharp, jagged ugh.

  Yeah. It’s my fault. It’s all because of me. I betrayed Alvin, too. I was supposed to be his wingman, but I was the one who hooked up with Jessica in the courtyard. I’m the traitor. I destroyed the brotherhood.

  My ughter grew louder, bubbling up from my chest until it echoed hysterically in the confined space of the car. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel, ughing until my lungs burned.

  I remember! Alvin decided not to come to that party st year because he knew I liked Jessica. He chose to step aside for me. He kept himself busy with Faye! Yes! That’s exactly what I need to do! I just need to make myself busy! I've been skipping csses for three days like a pathetic loser. YES! THAT’S IT! I'll just go to the library! Studying is a fantastic choice!!

  My mind completely snapped under the weight of the guilt. Still ughing hysterically at my own brilliant, fwless logic, I forcefully cranked the ignition, threw the car into drive, and sped away toward the university library, determined to bury myself in textbooks until I forgot my own name.

  **

  The heavy oak doors of the university library swung shut behind me, sealing me inside.

  The air was thick with the suffocating smell of sandalwood, settling dust, and old paper. It had been months since I had stepped foot in a library. The massive room was packed with freshmen quietly highlighting textbooks and whispering over group projects.

  Yes! my brain screamed, my heart hammering violently against my ribs.

  This is the perfect space to distract myself! It’s time to be a normal student! Come on, Daeron. Keep yourself busy. If you stop moving, you'll start thinking about her. Don't think about her!

  I found an isoted, empty table in the far corner. I dumped my backpack onto the wood, yanked out my ptop, and threw open my business sylbus. I aggressively scanned the pages, desperately trying to calcute how much of the semester I had ruined while drinking with the Russians.

  Five minutes ter, the text was just swimming in front of my eyes.

  FUCK! I don’t understand a single word of this SHIT! WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS SYLLABUS?!

  I smmed the ptop shut and leaned back in my chair, my chest heaving as I gred around the silent room. Everyone else looked so calm. So normal. I hated them.

  Then, my eyes locked onto a target.

  She was sitting two tables away. A Latina girl, completely absorbed in a massive hardcover textbook, her chin resting in the palm of her hand.

  Shit, my frantic brain supplied. That nerd is actually incredibly cute. The way she distractedly chewed on the cap of her pen was sending a sudden, desperate jolt of heat to my stomach. She had warm brown eyes, fwless fair skin, and her dark hair was tied up in a messy, careless bun. Why the hell is she hiding in the corner acting like a boring nerd when she has a face like that?! Such a fucking waste!

  My manic energy demanded an outlet. I stood up and slowly paced over to the reference shelves, pretending to browse the spines of the books while covertly studying her.

  Sweet Jesus, look at the curves on her.

  I gripped the edge of the bookshelf.

  Maybe I should approach her? Yeah! That's what normal guys do! Like Alvin did with Faye! YES! I should approach her! A quiet nerd like her is definitely single. Show your charm, Daeron! Prove you can get anyone you want! Prove you don't need Jessica!

  I smoothed out my shirt and walked purposefully toward her table.

  REMEMBER. BE CONFIDENT! Jessica said she liked it when I was arrogant and confident!

  "Hey," I said, my voice dropping into a smooth, effortless baritone. "What are you studying?"

  She physically jumped, her pen cttering against the desk. "Oh.. Umm.." She looked up at me with wide, startled eyes. "I was just... reviewing my notes."

  I casually pulled out the chair beside her and sat down, invading her space just enough to command her attention. "Oh, wow. Are you a freshman? I don't think I've ever seen you around campus before."

  She hesitated, her body nguage shrinking defensively. "Uh-hum.. yes.. I’m a freshman."

  "My name’s Daeron," I said. I deployed the ultimate, devastatingly warm smile I had perfected while wing-manning for Nikoy at the clubs.

  She nervously reached out and shook my hand. "Gabriel."

  "Why are you sitting all the way back here in the corner completely alone, Gabriel?"

  "Umm.. I just like it. I can concentrate more when there aren't people around."

  Shit! My social radar pinged instantly. Her walls are up. She feels cornered. Back off now! Py the game carefully. Use the push-and-pull tactic!

  "Oh, then I’m definitely bothering you," I said softly, my smile turning perfectly apologetic as I immediately stood up from the chair. "I'm so sorry, Gabriel. I just thought you looked like you might need some company. Have a great afternoon."

  I didn't wait for her to respond. I gave her one st, lingering smile, turned my back on her, and walked casually back to my own table.

  I opened my ptop again, pretending to be deeply engrossed in my bnk screen. But I kept her in my peripheral vision.

  Just as I predicted, her eyes kept darting over to my table. Whenever I caught her stealing a gnce, I didn't look away. I just met her gaze and gave her a slow, knowing smile. She would immediately blush scarlet and snap her eyes back down to her notebook.

  I fucking gotcha!

  After thirty agonizing minutes of pying the waiting game, Gabriel finally closed her textbook, stood up, and nervously walked over to my table.

  "Umm. Daeron? Right?"

  I looked up, feigning mild surprise before offering a warm smile. "Yes?"

  "I noticed the textbook you have on your desk," she said, gesturing to the book I hadn't read a single page of. "You study in the business major too, right?"

  "Yeah, I do," I leaned back in my chair. "Did you want to study together sometime?"

  She smiled shyly, a pretty blush creeping up her neck. "Hm-mph. Well, only if it wouldn't bother you..." She fidgeted anxiously with the strap of her backpack.

  "No! Not at all," I lied effortlessly, slipping into the role of the benevolent, intelligent uppercssman. "Perhaps I can even give you some pointers on the coursework. My GPA st year was actually pretty high."

  She smiled brightly, completely relieved. "Can I have your number, then?"

  "Sure."

  We swapped phones, typed in our contacts, and she gave me a flustered wave goodbye before hurrying out of the library.

  I sat alone at the table, staring at the new contact name in my phone. A massive, hysterical rush of dopamine flooded my broken brain.

  Damn! Look at that!

  I cheered internally, my chest heaving with manic triumph.

  I’m such a fucking charmer! First try, first win! She fell for it instantly!

  **

  The manic high from the library completely evaporated the second I pulled my car into my designated spot in the parking garage.

  I killed the engine, but I didn't get out. My stomach curled into a sickening knot. Staring up at the industrial windows of my loft, a wave of pure, suffocating dread washed over me.

  Fuck! Fuck!! I can't go up there. I need to stay the hell away from that loft!

  My hands shook as I grabbed my phone. I needed noise. I needed the Russians. I quickly dialed Nikoy's number, praying he was at his apartment drinking.

  "Helloooooooo, Derro!" Nikoy's voice roared through the speaker, accompanied by the loud sound of rushing wind and highway tires.

  "Hey, shut the fuck up," I forced a ugh, my chest tight. "Where are you guys right now? I'm coming over."

  "Blyad! Are you blind? I texted you three days ago, Derro! We’re on a road trip!"

  "What? A road trip? In the middle of the spring semester?!"

  "Bozhe moi! We’re not on vacation, Derro! We’re just executing a highly strategic retreat from our academic responsibilities!"

  I chuckled, resting my forehead heavily against the steering wheel. "You guys are absolute lunatics."

  "So, what’s up, Derro? Why are you calling me at this hour?" Nikoy asked, the wind noise dying down slightly as he rolled a window up. "Usually, you are locked in your apartment, busy banging systra at this time of day."

  My breath hitched. "Nah... I just wanted to come over and visit you guys today, actually. Get a drink."

  "….. Did something happen, Brotha?"

  Nikoy's tone shifted instantly. The loud, obnoxious party animal vanished, repced immediately by the sharp, protective intuition of a true brother. He knew I was lying.

  "No. Not really," I deflected, swallowing the massive lump in my throat. I couldn't say the words out loud. If I told him Jessica was gone, it would make it real. "I’ll just tell you guys about it ter when you get back to town."

  "… Are you absolutely sure?"

  "Yes, Broda. Enjoy your 'retreat'."

  "…. Listen to me. I’ll call you the exact second I get back, Derro. We will be back in the city next week. Don’t do anything stupid while we're gone, you hear me?"

  "Hahaha, don’t worry, Broda! Have a good trip!"

  I hung up the phone. The car went dead silent. My safety net was completely gone.

  Fuck!

  I dragged myself out of the garage and unlocked the heavy front door of the loft.

  It felt like stepping into a refrigerated tomb. The silence was deafening, but her ghosts were screaming at me from every corner of the room. I looked toward the bedroom, and the phantom scent of her chocote-vanil perfume hit my nose, making my eyes burn. I looked at the kitchen isnd, and I could vividly hear the sweet, bright echo of her morning ughter. I looked out at the gss doors of the balcony, and I could physically feel the ghost of her small, cold hands wrapping around my neck while I pyed the guitar.

  The memories were everywhere. They were clinging to the walls, completely suffocating me.

  I couldn't go into the bedroom. The mattress was a crime scene. I colpsed onto the leather sofa in the living room, pulling my jacket tight around my chest. I id my head back, closing my eyes as the crushing, agonizing weight of my reality began to press down on my lungs again.

  Bzzt!

  My phone vibrated violently in my jacket pocket.

  I flinched. I slowly pulled it out, the screen illuminating the dark loft. It was a text message. From Gabriel.

  Hi, Daeron! Are you busy tomorrow? Perhaps.. we can study together again?

  The crushing weight vanished instantly. A massive, manic, completely unhinged smile slowly spread across my face in the dark.

  Yes! My brain practically screamed with relief. My distraction! How could I forget?!

  I sat straight up on the sofa. My fingers flew across the keyboard, effortlessly slipping right back into the role of the confident, charming uppercssman. I texted her back, eagerly setting up our next "study session." As I hit send, a massive rush of toxic, manufactured dopamine flooded my veins.

  Yeah! I thought, tossing the phone onto the coffee table and staring at the ceiling. Tomorrow is going to be a much better day!

  **

  For the next few days, Gabriel became my daily dose of adrenaline.

  We established a comfortable, predictable routine. We grabbed lunch at the cafeteria, talked over terrible coffee during our study breaks, and spent hours sitting together in the library. I pyed my role perfectly—the charming, intelligent, attentive older student getting to know the shy freshman. Every time she blushed, every time she nervously tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear, and every time she ughed at my jokes, the suffocating, agonizing void in my chest shrank just a little bit more.

  One afternoon, we walked through the heavy oak doors and stopped dead in our tracks. The library was completely packed with stressed students cramming for upcoming exams. Every single chair was taken.

  "Damn, it's incredibly crowded today," I grumbled, scanning the sea of heads.

  Gabriel sighed, pointing toward the far corner of the room. "Even our usual spot is completely full."

  Fuck! I gred at the random students sitting at our table.

  Why the hell are those dumbasses sitting there?

  Panic fred in my chest. If we couldn't study, she was going to go back to her dorm. I would be forced to go back to my empty, haunted loft all by myself. I couldn't let that happen. My brain frantically scrambled for a solution, and suddenly, a brilliant, twisted idea clicked into pce.

  "Hey," I said, looking down at her. "Do you want to just study at my pce instead?"

  She blinked, surprised by the sudden invitation.

  "I actually have a private mini-library in my loft," I added smoothly, leaning in just a fraction to hold her attention. "It doesn’t have a massive collection yet, but all my notes and textbooks from st year are there. It's perfectly quiet."

  "Whoa!!" Her brown eyes lit up, sparkling with genuine, innocent excitement. "You have a mini-library in your apartment?! That’s amazing!!"

  She realized how eager she sounded and quickly took a half-step back, her cheeks flushing a deep, pretty pink. ".. I mean.. if it’s really okay for me to visit your pce.. I don't want to intrude—"

  "It’s completely okay, Gabriel. Really," I interrupted her gently. I deployed my most devastating, reassuring smile, locking eyes with her until her shoulders finally rexed.

  She smiled back, her defenses completely melting away under my gaze.

  I grabbed the door handle, holding it open for her so we could walk back to my car.

  Super! Fucking smooth!!!! my manic internal voice cheered.

  I was completely, willfully ignoring the horrifying irony of what I was doing. I was bringing this sweet, innocent girl back to my loft under the guise of studying... and I was taking her directly to the exact corner of the apartment I had built solely to have rolepy sex with Jessica.