Fuck! FUCK!!

  I smmed my hands down on the bathroom counter, turning the faucet on full bst. I spshed freezing water over my face, trying to shock my system out of its panic. I gripped the edges of the sink, looking up at the dripping mirror.

  Staring back at me was an absolute idiot.

  I had ruined it. I had ruined the best friendship I ever had because my massive, arrogant ego demanded more. We had an unspoken arrangement. We had fun. But the second I stood on that freezing street and screamed that I cared about her—that I loved her—I shattered the illusion. I had crossed the line, and by doing so, I had lost her completely.

  No, I forced myself to think, my chest heaving as I stared at my reflection.

  It was necessary.

  I couldn't keep living in that agonizing gray area, wondering what she was doing or who she was with. I needed the closure. I needed certainty, even if it meant breaking my own heart. With this final severance, I could finally move on. It was for my own good.

  I walked out into the empty, silent loft and colpsed onto my bed. I stared at the ceiling, but my vision immediately started to blur. My breathing turned shallow and heavy. A sharp, physical ache radiated from the center of my chest, traveling down to my fingertips. My jaw trembled. The logical, stoic mask I had worn all night finally shattered.

  I couldn't stop it. The hot, heavy tears spilled from my eyes, soaking the dark fabric of my pillowcase. I curled inward, completely breaking down in the dark.

  I didn't want to move on. I just loved her. I wanted her in my life, on any terms she would give me.

  **

  Harsh, bright sunlight forced my eyes open.

  My head was pounding. I couldn't remember when the crying had stopped or how I had finally fallen asleep. My body felt like it was made of lead. My cheeks were tight with dried salt, and my eyelids felt thick and swollen. I dragged myself to the bathroom and spshed water on my face again. The man in the mirror looked entirely defeated.

  I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a cold beer, and slid the gss door open to the balcony.

  I didn't bother putting a shirt on. The brutal, freezing December wind immediately bit into my bare chest, sending goosebumps across my skin. I didn’t care. I leaned against the brick wall, letting the winter cold sink into my bones, desperately hoping it would freeze the agonizing pain in my heart.

  I lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag, and chased it with a swig of beer. I grabbed my acoustic guitar from the corner, sat down on the floor cushion, and started picking a slow, hollow melody. I watched the clear blue sky slowly fade into a heavy, oppressive gray. I sat there, waiting for the snow to start falling to bury the city.

  I tried to find some crity in the biting cold and the rhythm of the strings.

  Ding!

  The sharp chime of the front doorbell echoed through the loft.

  I stopped pying. My hand hovered over the strings. Who the fuck was bothering me on a Sunday morning? I stared at the gss door, hesitating. I just wanted to be left alone to rot in my misery.

  Ding!

  A low groan escaped my throat. I set the guitar down, grabbed my beer, and walked barefoot across the cold hardwood floor to the front door. I unlocked the deadbolt and pulled it open, ready to tell whoever it was to fuck off.

  My breath caught in my throat.

  Jessica was standing on my doormat. Her vibrant ginger hair was a tangled mess. Her pale skin looked almost translucent. But it was her green eyes that completely broke me—they were bloodshot, puffy, and reflecting a deep, devastating sorrow. She looked like she had been crying all night.

  Sitting on the floor right beside her legs were two massive, packed suitcases.

  "Jess?" I whispered, my brain completely short-circuiting.

  "You said I could move in whenever I wanted... right?"

  She didn't wait for an answer. She reached out, pressing her freezing, trembling hand ft against my bare chest. She pushed me gently backward, stepping into the loft and dragging her heavy suitcases over the threshold. She kicked the door shut behind her, sealing us inside.

  My mind was entirely bnk. I didn’t ask what happened. I didn't ask who had made her cry. I didn't care.

  She kicked off her winter boots. Without a single word, she pushed her hands against my shoulders, walking me backward until the backs of my knees hit the sofa and I fell onto the cushions. She immediately climbed over my p, straddling my thighs.

  She looked deeply into my eyes. There were no arguments. No witty banter. Just two lost, broken souls seeking shelter within these four walls.

  She leaned down, her cold, trembling lips slowly pressing against mine. Her small arms wrapped tightly around my neck, pulling my face into her shoulder.

  I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her flush against me in a fierce, desperate hug. I buried my face in her hair, breathing in the scent of vanil. I didn’t want her to ever leave again. She was the only thing I needed to survive.

  Her warm breath hitched, growing heavier against my skin. The gentle kiss quickly escated, turning hungry and intense. Her hands slid down my neck, her fingertips tracing the muscles of my bare chest, seeking warmth.

  We moved in a frantic blur. She shrugged off her heavy winter jacket, tossing it to the floor. Slowly, desperately, every piece of fabric covering her pale skin was stripped away between deep, breathless kisses. Her warm, incredibly soft skin pressed flush against my cold chest. I could feel her rapid heartbeat hammering against my own every time my hands mapped the familiar curves of her body.

  She finally broke the kiss, gasping softly for air. She rested her forehead against mine, her messy ginger hair falling like a curtain around us. Her bright green eyes gazed deeply into mine, completely stripped of all her secrets and walls.

  "Jess?" I breathed, my heart pounding in my ears.

  She lifted a hand, gently pressing a soft finger against my lips to silence my questions.

  "Let’s take it further," she whispered, her soft voice trembling with vulnerability and absolute certainty. "I want you inside me, Daeron."

  She pushed my sweatpants down, tossing them to the floor before climbing back over my thighs. Her small, warm hands guided me. I was shaking slightly. It was my first time, but there was no fear, only a desperate, consuming need to be as close to her as humanly possible.

  She positioned herself over me and paused. She bit her lower lip, her green eyes locking onto mine. I saw a fsh of hesitation—a heavy, unspoken guilt—but the physical heat radiating between us quickly burned it away. She took a deep, trembling breath, and slowly sank down.

  "Fuck!" she whimpered, her fingers digging fiercely into my hair.

  The sensation was blinding. In one agonizingly beautiful movement, she cimed my virginity completely.

  She buried her flushed face into the crook of my neck, letting out a ragged sigh as our bodies adjusted. After a long moment, she slowly began to rock her hips in a steady, agonizing rhythm. With every fluid movement, she let out soft, breathy moans that sent jolts of electricity straight down my spine. The friction was intoxicating. I reached up, pulling her face down to mine, and we devoured each other in a desperate kiss.

  She’s mine now, my frantic mind supplied. She chose me.

  I grabbed her waist, lifting my hips to meet her downward thrusts, accelerating the pace.

  "Daeron! Daeron!!!"

  Hearing her scream my name in the empty loft drove me completely over the edge. She hugged my shoulders tightly, her whimpers echoing directly into my ear. I pushed harder, chasing her rhythm. Suddenly, she let out a loud, drawn-out cry. Her entire body went rigid, trembling violently against my chest as a massive wave of pleasure crashed over her.

  "Fuck... Give me a second, babe," she gasped, her voice incredibly soft and vulnerable as she colpsed against my chest, her heart hammering wildly against my ribs.

  After a long, shaky exhale, she tilted her head up. Her eyes were dark and hungry. "Take me again. Now."

  I id her back against the wide cushions of the sofa.

  I guided her legs apart and moved over her, pressing back into her inviting warmth. I started slow, but quickly increased the speed with every downward thrust. The intensity skyrocketed, her moans growing louder and more frantic, filling the high ceilings of the loft.

  I leaned my weight forward, burying my face in the crook of her porcein neck, trailing open-mouthed kisses over her skin. My right hand moved up to cup her breast, my thumb brushing over her sensitive peak, while my left hand anchored her hip to keep her steady. I gave her exactly the punishing, relentless pace she was begging for.

  A second, massive burst of pleasure ripped through her. Her body shook intensely, her usually pale skin flushed a deep, beautiful crimson.

  "Fuck! Oh my God!" she swore, her chest heaving as she stared blindly at the ceiling. "You’re... you're not done yet?"

  "No," I rasped, trailing my lips down to her colrbone. "I need more, babe."

  I gently grabbed her waist and turned her over, lifting her hips off the cushions. I pulled her flush against me, immediately resuming the brutal pace.

  "Fuuucck!!" she whimpered, her voice muffled as she buried her face directly into the sofa pillows.

  I gripped her hips tightly, my muscles burning as I thrust harder and faster. The physical tension building in my chest was absolute, agonizing perfection. I was entirely consumed by her.

  "Fill me up!" she gasped blindly.

  Those words were the fatal spark. My vision went completely white as an explosive, overwhelming release finally ripped through my body. I colpsed forward, wrapping my arms tightly around her back as I came down from the high.

  I fell back heavily against the armrest of the sofa, my lungs burning as I gasped for air. Sweat coated my chest, and the freezing winter draft from the balcony felt incredible against my skin. I let out a massive sigh of relief.

  Beside me, Jessica slowly pushed herself up. She crawled over the cushions and leaned her exhausted body against my side. Our eyes locked. The heavy, protective walls we had built around ourselves were completely gone. In this quiet, messy aftermath, there was nowhere left to hide.

  "I love you, Jess," I whispered softly.

  Jessica froze. Her green eyes widened in absolute shock. I watched as a thick, heavy yer of tears instantly pooled in her eyes. But she didn't smile. She shoved her face into my bare chest, hiding her tears as she hugged my torso with a sudden, desperate tightness.

  "Thank you... I..." her voice cracked into a soft sob. She couldn't finish the sentence.

  She didn't say it back.

  I stared up at the high, industrial ceiling of my loft. A cold, hollow ache settled in my chest, completely separate from the physical exhaustion. She didn't love me. Maybe she never would.

  But I wrapped my arms around her shaking shoulders and held her tight. It didn’t matter. I didn’t care anymore, even if she couldn't say the words. I was entirely broken, and she was the only one who could put me together. As long as she was right here, hiding in my arms, I would take whatever pieces of her she was willing to give me.

  **

  After wiping the sweat from my chest with a towel, I threw on a gray t-shirt and stepped back out into the freezing air of the balcony. Jessica was still in the bathroom, the sound of the running shower echoing faintly through the loft.

  The heavy, intoxicating fog of lust slowly cleared from my brain. The adrenaline receded, leaving behind a cold, sharp reality.

  Fuck. What the hell just happened?

  I leaned my forearms against the frozen metal railing, staring down at the snow-covered street. The logical, analytical part of my brain—the part that used to read opponents on the karate mat—finally woke up.

  Why had she suddenly appeared at my door in tears? Why had she thrown herself at me the second she walked inside? Was she just using sex to distract herself from whatever had broken her heart st night? Did she actually love me, or was I just a convenient, safe pce for her to hide? FUCK.

  The more I analyzed the timeline, the more gring the red fgs became. Nothing added up. I felt like I was completely trapped inside an illusion. I was a fly that had flown willingly into a beautiful, delicate spider's web, and now I was completely stuck.

  But as I stood there shivering in the winter air, a dark, desperate realization settled in my chest.

  If I walked back inside and demanded the truth, the illusion would shatter. If I asked her why she couldn't say "I love you," she would pack those two massive suitcases and walk out the front door forever. I couldn't survive that. I didn't want to lose her. I wanted her to be mine.

  Yes, I thought, my grip tightening on the frozen railing. I don't care if it's a trap. As long as she stays here with me, I don't give a fuck about the truth.

  "Do you want a beer, Tiger?"

  Her voice snapped my dark train of thought in half. I turned around. Jessica was standing in the doorway. She had thrown her heavy winter jacket on over her bare skin, holding two cold bottles of beer. Her hair was damp from the shower, smelling strongly of my soap and her vanil perfume.

  "Yeah. Sure," I said, burying my doubts deep in the back of my mind.

  She walked out onto the balcony and sat down on the floor cushions, leaning her body weight heavily against my side. We sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking our beers and watching the city wake up under a fresh bnket of white snow.

  "Aren’t you cold? You're only wearing sweatpants and a thin shirt," she murmured, setting her bottle down to rub her warm hands over my frozen knuckles.

  "Not really. The sun is coming up, so it’s not that bad," I lied smoothly. I leaned my head down, pressing a soft kiss into her damp ginger hair. "Besides, you're keeping me warm now."

  She giggled softly, the sound vibrating against my ribs. "You really love sitting out here, don't you?"

  "Of course. This is our official sanctuary, isn't it?"

  She tilted her head up, her green eyes catching the morning light. "Like a sacred pce?"

  "Our sacred pce," I smiled, my heart aching slightly.

  For the first time all morning, I saw her genuine, bright smile. It was the carefree, beautiful smile I used to see every day back in the courtyard at high school.

  She leaned her head back against my chest, her fingers interlocking tight and securely with mine. Suddenly, her eyes darted to the corner of the balcony. "Oh, you py guitar?" she asked, pointing at the acoustic instrument leaning against the brick wall.

  "Yeah, I py pretty often when I'm out here."

  She sat up, grabbed the neck of the guitar, and dropped it into my p. "Py me a song."

  "What song do you want to hear?" I asked, adjusting the wooden body over my knee and testing the tuning.

  She hummed thoughtfully, tapping her chin. "Mmmm... How about Beautiful Girl? By Jose Mari Chan."

  "Damn, that is a vintage cssic! I didn’t know you were so old-school, Cheeto," I ughed.

  "Hey! I only know that song because you used to py it on the radio in your car all the time when we drove to school!" she pouted, crossing her arms defensively.

  "Alright, alright," I ughed, raising my hands in surrender. "Do you want to sing the duet with me?"

  "No." She shifted around, sitting cross-legged directly in front of me, giving me her undivided attention. "I want you to sing it to me first."

  I took a breath, strummed the opening chords, and let the gentle, acoustic melody fill the cold air. She sat perfectly still, watching my hands on the fretboard, a soft, affectionate smile resting on her lips. I let my voice carry over the balcony, pouring every ounce of the love I felt for her into the lyrics.

  When I reached the outro, I let the final chord ring out. I looked deep into her green eyes, singing the final line softly.

  "...And I’m gd that it is you... beautiful girl."

  The illusion was perfect.

  She didn't hesitate. She leaned forward, closing the distance, and pressed her lips desperately against mine. I dropped my hand from the strings, wrapping my arm around her waist and kissing her back with everything I had. It felt like our intense, exhausting session on the sofa hadn't been nearly enough.

  She pulled back just a fraction, her warm breath ghosting over my lips. "I’m gd too," she whispered.

  I set the guitar safely on the cushion, slid my arms under her knees and back, and lifted her effortlessly into my arms. I carried her back inside the warm loft, straight toward my bedroom, burying myself completely in the beautiful lie.