PART THREE g - Therapy

  I got a couple hours, when I felt a hand on me. I batted it away, and it came again. Slow and insistent. I batted it away a second time and was preparing to grab it and issue a sweet warning that it would have to wait. My eyes were slits if open though, and I took in what was happening. He wasn't trying to rouse me that way, just to be awake. Lightning was sitting up on the edge of the bed.

  She was holding Teddy Ball, and hugging him on her p. I know enough of her body nguage now, to know who she is in the moment. Her feet and knees are together, so this is the immature 14 year old. The 19 year old mature beyond her years? Sits with her knees wide and confident, like a boy would. Her elbows tucked in whispered the same thing to me. The mature persona rested her elbows on her spread thighs, and easily draped her wrists down and in. This was the scared little 14 year old girl, who couldn't sleep.

  He gestured to me. Do something. My face, my hands. What? I'm not a miracle worker. I don't just wave the magic wand the good witch has, and some sparkles go over the scene, and everything gets better immediately.

  "Honey?"

  She started.

  "Oh."

  "Bad dream?"

  She nodded. The slow overly dramatic nod of the little girl.

  "Was it real bad?"

  She shrugged.

  "Had worse. I guess."

  "Are you scared to go back to sleep now?"

  "Not scared. Just can't. Come on Teddy. Back to our room. We don't want to keep them up. That's not fair…"

  He spoke.

  "Stay. Fuck fair. We're all in this together. We're family."

  "Really?"

  "Sure."

  "We're not really family."

  "Says who. You don't have to be reted, to be family."

  "Well. You kinda do."

  "Ah. No you don't. And I can prove it."

  "How."

  "If you define, having a mother and a father, as… I came out of my mother's belly, and… dad is the guy that put me there? Then no, I don't have a mother and a father. In that case? I have an aunt and an uncle that raised me. But… in my house? We didn't use the word family like that."

  "How did you use it…"

  "I was very little. Some pain in the ass kids, around town. Teasing me. My parents? Weren't my real parents. Went on all day. I ended up crying, and went home. I'm real little. I told my parents what mean stories the kids were telling me. I was waiting, for my mom and dad to hug me. Tell me that those kids were wrong. I was in for a surprise."

  "What did they say?"

  "Well. Every kid had a different version why my parents were dead, and why I was there. About the only thing they had right, was that mom and dad were gone, and… here I was. My real mom and dad were gone, and… my real dad's sister? Took me in. My dad, was really my uncle. But… they told me it didn't matter. I was their kid, same as my older two brothers. We all got treated the same. I never got… slighted at Christmas or birthday. None of that shit. They told me I didn't have to call them mom and dad. But? I wanted to. So, I did."

  "You were lucky."

  "I know. Now, when I say mom and dad? I mean those people. Far as I'm concerned, that's my… real… mom and dad. No question about it. I had a little dog. And he was family too. He had his own Christmas stocking, he had his own birthday party. You lived in that house? Family. All there was to it."

  "That was nice."

  "It was. Now, family is where you find it. Family? Is who understands you, or at least tries to. My dad was great, but, he didn't really get me, if you know what I mean. You can have a friend, and you call each other brother. You can be closer with that person, than with your own real brothers. It happens. Someone I knew, once called that… a brother from another mother. Which I thought was cute."

  "It is cute."

  "When I was out of my house, as wonderful as my family was to me? I ended up being around someone else. Guy. He… got me. He helped me. He… did things for me, no one else could. It was like having my real dad put back on earth for a few years, that's how close I felt to him. He's gone now. But, family? Has nothing to do with who you came out of, or who put you there."

  "My mom, might have been my aunt? But… dad was no retion to me. Just the guy my aunt loved and married. Great guy though. The dog sure wasn't reted to any of us, but… you couldn't tell him that. Or me. And… that guy I met. We didn't know each other from Adam, and… he understood me, and helped me in ways I could never fathom."

  "Mm hmm."

  "So… Me. Hurry. You. Teddy, too. All family now. We all get each other. We all help each other. We all love each other. We all live together. And anyone who doesn't understand that? Well, they can just go fuck themselves. So… you don't have to leave, because you had a bad dream, and can't get back to sleep."

  "If you're sure."

  "Sure I'm sure. I'd ask what the bad dream was about, but… I can probably guess. Would I be right?"

  She nodded. The big, slow, dramatic nods of the scared 14 year old.

  "If I say… the good Moody, and the bad Moody… do you think you understand what I mean by that? Without saying it."

  "Bad Moody, was in that room. Good Moody, lived with us."

  "Yeah. So… which… Moody did you see. In the bad dream."

  "Both."

  "Oh. Light? I don't want you to think, that… because you might not be able to tell that I'm hurt by what happened, by what we found. That it doesn't bother me. It does. And, I'm not… better or anything, because I'm able to hide it. I was always with the Military Police. Even when they weren't working, I might be in the car with my buddies. The radio would go off sometimes. Like, bad car wreck. Or anything, really. Well, that canceled our dinner pns. We ran right over to the wreck. Or whatever it was. Sometimes… it was real bad. And I couldn't sleep. I saw… the bad thing in my dreams. It… passes. The… time, between bad dreams? Would get farther and farther apart."

  "I understand."

  "Now. When you see something real bad. Its perfectly normal, to have bad dreams. Real bad dreams. Also? You might get something happen. Its… where you can actually see the bad thing. You can see it with your eyes, and its very real. You… can see through it? But its there. Its like… someone is following you around, and shoving a poster of the bad thing, in front of your face. Out of nowhere. And you can't stop it. Do you… know what I'm talking about?"

  She looked at him, and nodded. One tear down her cheek. Oh my god, he knew exactly what PTSD was. I've read about it, in css. I've never heard a better description of it, outside of a textbook and a lecture.

  "Okay. Light? I know about this. I can tell you, that… its perfectly normal for it to happen. You're not crazy, seeing something that isn't there. People that see things that aren't there? That's different. This is totally normal, and only people who have had to see really bad stuff, know what me and you are talking about."

  "Teddy Ball, was worried about me. I'm seeing something, that isn't really there. That's not good."

  "Honey? Since I know about this, and… its happened to me before. Can we talk about it? We'll go downstairs, and talk. Okay?"

  She nodded dramatically.

  "Can I come?"

  "Honey? That's not up to me, that's up to Light. Also… you didn't see the… bad thing. You might not want to get nightmares. Light? Is Hurry allowed to be there when we talk?"

  She nodded. I stuck my tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes at me. I've never experienced PTSD firsthand, and this is a great experience for me, based on my course of study. Fuck me, here I go again. I'm almost happy someone is experiencing trauma, so I get to know what I'm talking about, and look sharp next time it comes up in a lecture. Its about her, not me. Christ, I have to learn to watch this.

  He took her to the kitchen table, and asked if she'd rather have the lights on or off, she said lights off was fine. He made coffee, for all three of us. He might have been talking about the score of a sports game, his tone and mannerisms. This put her at ease, as opposed to the hands on shoulder rubs, and dramatic voice people that "cared" used.

  Teddy Ball is down with her, and he all but has his own coffee cup. Hell, he'd probably make Teddy Ball his own cup of coffee, if she wanted.

  "Now. Normally, you ask the person what they saw, but… me and you? We both saw the same bad thing. So, we can skip that part. We both know. Hurry? Doesn't need to have nightmares. Two of us, is enough."

  I opened my mouth.

  "I didn't know you had a nightmare."

  He looked at me.

  "Now you do. Can I be all concerned with Light, and we can talk about my nightmare some other time?"

  "Oh. Sure."

  "Thanks… um, you like milk and sugar like me, right?"

  "Yeah."

  He got it, and did both coffee's for the two of them. I had to get mine myself.

  "So. Do you want to know how it was for me? That its normal to see something that's not there."

  "Okay."

  "Well. I got up. Two hours before I had to get up, and do morning PT. Commotion. Come out my room. They're all MP's, and one of them was on call. He doesn't have to work that night, but, if something happens? He gets a call. He's throwing clothes on. He's going to check on something, and backup's on another scene. Fuck it. I tossed clothes on, I'll ride with him, its close. I can walk back when his backup makes it."

  Light watched and listened with interest, blowing on her coffee to get it drinkable.

  "What was it?"

  "Oh. The radio said the guy was drunk, but he had people trying to get in his house, he wanted units there. My buddy's on the radio, he'll check it out. And they said fine, backup will arrive when the real scene is freed up. No one got in the drunk guy's house, maybe he's just drunk, it wasn't considered a priority."

  "Didn't sound real bad."

  "No. It didn't. Just like we didn't pn on finding something bad. So, we get there. Its a base housing. We wanna see if anyone's trying to get in, we walk around. We went around both sides and met, so we could see if anyone was… you know, running away or anything. We might chase. Nothing."

  "Okay…"

  "And. We go up to the door. Now, we're gonna check on the guy. Tell him we found nothing. Maybe he'll want us to stay, maybe he'll say its okay to go. We figured, we can clear this little call up, and let the guys on duty, work the bad scene they were on."

  "What happened?"

  "Nothing. We went back to the car. He radios in, no one around. Can't see any doors or windows have any entry or attempted entry. We shined penlights on the doors and windows, see if anyone was trying to get in. Nothing. Radio says make contact with the homeowner. Cause, a call came in. People trying to get in. If he ain't there, and he's gone… you get the idea."

  "Uh huh."

  "So. We go back to the door again, and knock a second time."

  "He answer the door?"

  "Well. Not like we pnned on."

  "What happened."

  "Um. I heard a noise. Sounded like… a penny firecracker, down the block. Soft pop. Nothing scary. I heard a tiny bit of gss tinkling. Again, nothing scary. I look over at my buddy? And… he's bent over, holding his face. Pool of blood on the porch at his feet. He looks up at me, and kind of starts bitching."

  "What's he compining about?"

  "He shot me. Son of a bitch shot me. I'll kill him…"

  "Was he shot?"

  "I didn't think so. Thought maybe he got hit with some gss, and it cut his lip bad. He's talking funny though…"

  "What happened?"

  "I said let me see… held his face so the dirty porch light, can let me see… and… he's got… yeah, he's been shot. In the face. I asked him can you walk? He says yeah. So I said… then run. We tore the hell off that porch. We ran around the back of the house, he's following me."

  "Why the back of the house?"

  "Dark. We go right down, we're in light. We don't know where the shot came from. Is it one of the bad guys tried to get in this house. Are they in there, and shot out at us. I wanna be in the dark way around and down the house, not silhouetted in light, and he's holding his face and just following me. I gotta make good decisions, and I'm winging it on adrenaline."

  "You guys got out of there."

  "Oh, you have no idea. I didn't know I could run so fast. We get back to the vehicle. We get down this wet grass hill to hit the vehicle. I remember yelling… keys! On the run for that hill. He tossed the keys, I caught the keys in my hand, while sliding on my ass down the hill. Landed on my feet, got in. He's in the passenger side now."

  "You made it out."

  "Yeah. I stopped to check him out. I remember… he's asking if his jaw is broke. I remember going… oh, hell yeah… not what I'm worried about… and, I'm feeling around the back of his head."

  "Where did he get shot at."

  "Right below his nose. Upper lip."

  "So, why you feeling the back of his head?"

  "I was looking for an exit wound. I was kind of expecting, I had a dead man walking, on adrenaline. I figured my hand would go into the back of his head. So, I'm all in his face, my hand running up and down the back of his head. He just looked at me. The hell are you doing?"

  "He thought you were going to kiss him, ha!"

  "I remember I said to him. I'm feeling for an exit wound. Nothing. I don't know where the fuck the bullet went? But… its not out the back of your head…"

  "Then you drove?"

  "Like a bat out of hell. I looked over. He's holding his face, there's blood everywhere. Face is kinda blown apart. Kinda looked like a cartoon character, you know how they get a firecracker instead of a cigar? Blown out like that."

  "Wow."

  "Yeah. He's all… I'm gonna die, ain't I? I remember being calm. I gotta keep him calm. I told him… nine out of ten head shots are non lethal. So, 90 percent chance you live. Them is some good odds. I don't know where the bullet went, but, it didn't go through your head. I'm 90 percent sure, you'll make it. And… I drove like hell."

  "He live?"

  "I'm keeping him as calm as I can, because… I can hear gurgling noises. I know the blood's going somewhere? And there ain't enough coming out… so… that gurgling? I know it's filling his lungs up. If I keep him calm enough, he'll bleed slower, and we have a chance."

  "He live?"

  "Yeah. We barely made the base hospital. Emergency room door? Locked up, like a store after hours. I beat on that sliding gss door. Some… nurse bitch is asking me what the problem is. I grabbed his face and pointed to it, sticking it in the gss door. I punched this… stupid intercom button. Gunshot! Head! Open the fuck up!"

  "They let you in?"

  "Yeah, after fucking around, and seconds count. He's weak, gurgling is worse. These people in the emergency room? Standing around, like, what the hell's happening. I yelled and cpped my hands. Handgun! Shot to the face! Lets go! Lets go!"

  "And then they go…"

  "Yeah. I grabbed him, he's falling over. I pointed at the nearest gurney… get on that… he gets up on the wheeled cart, ys back… they started working on him."

  "You made it."

  "Yeah. I made it. I was supposed to call the ambunce, but… flip a coin. Sometimes they make it in seconds? Sometimes ambunces seem like they stop and grab a burger, fries and a shake. I knew I was close, so… I went for it. Gd I did. Ambunces? All tied up at the other, bigger scene I mentioned. He definitely wouldn't have made it. I got lucky, made the right call. He just made it. Seconds to spare."

  "That was it. You guys made it."

  "Yeah. I grabbed the phone out of some nurse's hand. She tried to stop me, that's my phone… man, I shoved that bitch clear across the room. I called my pce. I mean, I got more MP's there in the apartment building I live in, than working the whole shift. Told them what happened, get everybody there. Shots fired, MP down. They wanna know, how many perpetrators. Told them, we didn't find anything, don't know where the shot came from. Be careful."

  "How did it end up?"

  "Well. The guy inside, tells the MP's, who surrounded his house with M16s and night vision, looking for active shooters… before they got there? He fired a warning shot through the door, and scared them off. It was okay."

  "Oh. The homeowner shot him. Thought he was the guys breaking in again."

  "Yeah. About it. You know what the scariest thing was, Light?"

  "Your buddy got shot!"

  "No. The scariest thing? We went to that door twice. First time? I was at the gss, he was beside the door. Then the second time? He was at the gss, I was beside the door. Now… I stood on this cement block trying to peek up and in. Which made me taller had I gotten shot just then. His injury… bullet would have went in right here, on me…"

  He was indicating the middle of his throat. He wouldn't have made it.

  "So, you saw… pictures after that."

  "Yeah, Light. I did."

  "What was your picture?"

  "I'm driving, I look over. He looks up at me. That… I'm a goner look. Face all blown apart. It was like, taking a picture. Same picture, every time. Day, night. Whenever. Its like some asshole is following me around, shoving a poster in my face."

  "How long did it… st. The picture."

  "Two weeks. Little more. Couldn't sleep for days at a time. I got 30 days off work. Every two or three days? If I drank almost a fifth of vodka? I could get two, three hours. Then I was back up, like I wasn't even drinking. I spent all my time at the hospital, with him. Something to do. I can't sleep anyways. He's on a morphine drip. Your eyes open, about every 20 minutes on a morphine drip. Every time he opened his eyes and closed them? I was there. All week."

  "Wow."

  "Yeah. Wow."

  "How long did the picture st?"

  "First week? Constant. Day and night. You can see through it, but still see everything. Weird. Second week… happened way less, and was going down. By the end of the second week? If I concentrated, I could make it appear. On demand. After that, it… slowly went away. The nightmares? I didn't sleep much those two weeks. So, not many. Couple hours sleep, every couple days. The MP's kept an eye on me. I lived with them. So. After two weeks? I went back to work. I was okay."

  "But. It looks real."

  "Oh. Here, I tested it. I concentrated on the picture, and I could look at it, as long as I wanted. I started picking little things out, that I could test. Was this real or not, this picture. There was this… little crack, down near his leg, the corner of the door of the vehicle we were in. I went and found the exact vehicle, and sat in it and looked. Blood was still in it. Looked over? There was that little crack. It was real. I looked at all the other, identical vehicles. No crack. I tested it? Very real."

  "Why do you think it happens? The picture, not people shooting."

  "Um. Your body? Is scared. It doesn't want you to do this, be around what happened. Your body is telling you, this isn't good. Never forget this."

  "But… it went away."

  "Yeah. It was about gone, after two weeks. It still happened, like, once a week? Couple times… then gone. I could still concentrate, and bring it up, but… not if I didn't try. Then? It went away. For good."

  "So… its normal. And it goes away."

  "Oh. Totally normal. How often do you… see it? Yours."

  "Two, three times. Since it happened."

  "Oh. Well. That's good news."

  "Why…"

  "Mine? Happened a lot. Constantly. Plus? You fell asleep for hours. You got it way less than I had it. It'll go away in no time. I bet."

  "You think?"

  "Sure. Its your body's totally normal reaction to a stressful, scary situation. It'll pass. And like I said, you got it way less than I had it. I didn't get any sleep after that happened? Like, three or four days. Then two hours and back up. So… you barely got it."

  "Okay. And thanks. I thought…"

  "No. Its normal, its fine. See, its only bad for people that get it? If… they don't tell anyone, they think they're losing it. Then? It can get worse. But… you know its normal? So, you'll be okay. See, if you don't know its normal, that its supposed to happen? You get all worked up, worrying about it happening. That? Is worse than just seeing the picture. So you'll be okay."

  "Hmm. Teddy Ball was worried about me."

  "Well. You'll be fine. I'm more worried about Teddy Ball. He saw it too."

  "He says you made him feel better too."

  "Well, that's good."

  "So… how did that whole… thing end up?"

  "Oh. My buddy got better. He's fine. He got out of the service before me. He's a cop now."

  "That's good. I meant with the homeowner."