PART TWO j – The Townhouse

  "A few things, yes. I promised I wouldn't lie to you. I never lied, about anything. I never made anything up, to get my results. You have my word on that. So, you're not mad at mommy?"

  "Not at all."

  "Thank you. If you're curious. I probably used it more on myself, than on you. Understanding my… compulsions, for instance. Embracing who and what I am. Liking who and what I am. I used it, again mainly on myself? To set out… let's say criteria, on what I wanted, what I needed, and how to recognize it if and when I ever found it. I needed what's called, baseline attraction or better, initially. And baseline attraction, my ass. I've been noticing you, since the moment we shared a css. And I kept on noticing you, every time I saw you around campus. When you started… making your rounds, we'll say. I was waiting on you to get around to me. When my chance finally came around? I jumped on it. Literally, I might add."

  "And the criteria, beyond baseline, or better, initial attraction?"

  "My characteristics that my ideal man, that I was attracted to, would have. I discovered, that I have a… unique set of criteria. I kept being attracted to you, and I started crossing off on my little checklist, items as you met them. And when I chanced across, the thing I was embarrassed to admit worked on me, the same way it works on these two… Rhodes schors you see before your very eyes. I realized that not only was I infatuated with you physically, you were… perfect for me. Lacking only one, teeny little check mark, which I was willing to overlook, because what the hell, you were otherwise… perfect. After meeting you at that party? We each made a little joke? And my heart skipped a beat. A second date, and again, more jokes back and forth. Shared innuendo. My knees melted. Not only did you meet all my criteria, not only was I physically attracted to you and couldn't shake it? I'm a yin, and you're a yang. So… the third date? Mommy had pns for her little boy. Before I closed on those pns, I had been asking little things, over the first two dates. Then more on that third date. I came to the conclusion, that if my own mind wasn't pying tricks on me, I would also be the perfect thing for you. I… didn't have to talk to you for more than five minutes, despite all my research into you I already knew… you're intelligent and logical. I id out my… offer? With logic and reason. And you found my logic and line of reasoning… accurate. I then closed on my… let's say that in our own unique way, I sort of… consummated, our desire. If you take my meaning there."

  "I do."

  I sipped my coffee again.

  "I hate to use psychology, but do you realize that I just compared our… third bit of fun, the longer and harder fun, and I know you know what I mean… I jokingly called it consummation. And you, curiously responded with the words… I do. Was that another of your cute word pys, another pun? Or was that a Freudian slip."

  He sighed. And gnced over at those two. The argument had degenerated into complete silliness, and they were actually making faces at each other, and poking fun at each other in ways that had absolutely no bearing whatsoever, upon which was smarter.

  "Oh. Don't let the kids presence concern you in the slightest. We're using vocabury and big people words. They couldn't discover the secret in this conversation, if they were even paying complete attention. Perhaps you now realize the coach's little joke. That I'm the adult. And I'm trusted to watch over what is arguably the most important three pyers on our team. And py den mother to these… absolute geniuses, conducting this scintilting conversation for our benefit."

  "Nice word. Scintilting. I haven't heard that one used in a while."

  "Thank you."

  "You're welcome."

  "I'd like to personally apologize, on behalf of our higher education system here in America, for a system where these two… obviously highly qualified schors, get a free education at one of the top universities in America, and are completely wasting the opportunity by having difficulties completing courses in basket weaving, and advanced basket weaving, respectively. I'd like to further apologize, on behalf of this university, for putting these two up, free of any cost whatsoever, in luxury accommodations normally reserved only for the truly rich kids."

  "You don't have to apologize. But accepted."

  "It broke my heart, to know you were stuck in a literal dirt hole in a basement, with no heat and no water, and probably lucky to afford food. When I say I had to stand on my head naked, to get your attention, you know that's not just a phrase. I want you. I need you. Though I can live without you? I don't like the idea. Will you please stay here, in luxury accommodations, instead of going back to hosing out vomit and choosing between food and books. If you like me half as much as I seem to like you."

  He smiled, and this time it was a deliberate word py.

  "I do."

  "Mm. In two weeks or thereabouts, for your birthday? I pn on another… consummation, of our… vows of shared compulsion and hobby. Do you like this idea?"

  "I do."

  "Mm. That's two."

  "Now then. There are certain perks to you living here. Among them, is you get… a certain type of eye candy, that you uniquely appreciate. I want you to know, that you are free to look at what wanders across your field of vision, and that you're under no threats of any… real problems arising from that. I can't dress them in snowsuits. Will it be okay, if we were to derive, mutually, fun and amusement from pretending that such problems were being addressed?"

  He smiled at my wordpy.

  "Are you asking my permission, to derive little scenarios out of it?"

  "I am."

  "Then? I do."

  "Mm. Third time, is the charm. I already know the answer to the question, I'm fairly certain, but. A lot of guys like… well. The same way most men don't like tall or physically strong women, they have something against smart women. And I don't think I'm exactly brilliant or anything. For instance, your math and computer science stuff? I'm lost. But, am I correct in my assumption that you prefer your women to be…"

  "Its right up there with tall and strong. I prefer it. Two otherwise equal women, in every regard? The more intelligent one will always beat out the dimwit, everything else being equal. I… get made fun of by the boys, for wanting to talk to a girl. Oh, he's one of those, he has to be able to talk to them, ha ha ha. In fact, intelligence can help one girl, squeeze out the more attractive one, in my sliding scale."

  "Like I said, I was real sure of the answer. If only for me, could I get you to… tolerate, if not in some way appreciate… what you see before you? I give you, exhibit A…"

  We both looked over, and those two looked like little kids going at it.

  "I have no problems…"

  "Well, if a bigger guy pushed around a littler guy, that's rude without a good reason to do it. What I'm asking, is if you could find it in your heart, to… not lord it over them? And, if you could ignore any… jokes that came your way about it. They're like my kids."

  "I had no pns on… making fun of children, and when children make fun of me, I think its cute. Deal."

  "Thank you. And it is a pleasure, to finally have another adult in the house, to talk to. Want a little leg show? On me, my treat. This isn't a trick. Scenario fun only. But, I expined to you, how my schorship is getting me something I couldn't afford myself, and I'm not wasting my opportunity like some other people might. Want a little demonstration, on what these two can do? I just love them for it."

  "Sure."

  "Girls!"

  I cpped my hands, like a mother getting two young children's attention. They stopped and looked over.

  "Hey. I've been bragging you two up for so long. He just asked me, when does he get to see it. He's begging me, he doesn't wanna wait till the off season ends."

  "Does… this in any way help our chances, of… what we talked about?"

  "It certainly couldn't hurt. We'll bring that up afterwards. We have all day."

  "I'm in. Both of us?"

  "Yeah. Me too. I wanna wow him."

  They shrugged, and both nodded and said okay and sure thing, respectively.

  "Front yard?"

  I smiled.

  "Sure. Come on honey, you gotta see this."

  The girls and me hit the living room. All three of us pulled soccer shorts out of our gear bags, piled up in a far corner, and pulled them up and ced the bow that finished what the estic waistband started. We all pulled on thick crew socks that were practice issue, and had soccer balls embzoned on them with our numbers. We all took our balls with us, and he followed us out and sat on the cement wall while we stretched out.

  He sipped his coffee, watching us give a quick stretch. I got called a show off, because I always do standing splits, whereas they did their splits the traditional way, on the ground. We all ended up pulling our feet up behind our backs and holding them, bending over to exacerbate the stretches. After running in pce a little, I smiled.

  "Watch the magic…"

  We all "picked up" our balls, by stepping on them and rolling them up on top of our strong feet, and tapping the ball up, and keeping it up. Juggling. We were all showing off how long we could go without the ball ever once hitting the ground. Little miss both feet, was showing her cohort that she could kick the ball exclusively up and never drop it with just her left foot only. Smiling and sticking her tongue out. She sweetly called her "tardfoot".

  The girls started showing off, because they now had an audience member that was new. One kicked the ball straight up unexpectedly, and head bounced the ball several times, before letting fall back to juggling it with her feet again. The other did it, not to be outdone, and used her shoulders to bop it at will from shoulder to head, then the other shoulder and back, before returning to her feet as well.

  I did it some, but I don't have nearly the ball control these two have. So I concentrated on my feet, and was happy to get up to the head bounces, and back to feet without dropping the ball. Those two, now warmed up? Were really showing off. Knees, thighs, catching the ball on feet and thighs, before resuming juggling. The other responded by catching the ball on her head, before going back to her feet again. The other came back with dropping it off a shoulder bounce to behind her back, and lifted her feet a couple times to bounce the ball behind her, before sending it back over her shoulder to her knees and then her feet again.

  I smiled and winked, to let him know it was fine to enjoy the leg and flexibility show and I knew he was enjoying it in a way that he uniquely would appreciate. They weren't as tall as me, but still, they were anything but short. Maybe an inch less for the one, and maybe an inch and a half for the other. I had obvious size on them both, but their legs are nothing short of spectacur in the muscle department either. Their leg muscles are a lot more streamlined and compact, I have the thicker thighs and calves.

  "You're watching two thirds, of one of the top starting front lines in our division, which just happens to be one of the most competitive for women's soccer. I'm a rotating utility pyer, but my specialty is fullback. I'm the st thing between the other teams starting line coming in, and our goalie. These two are basically freaks of nature, hun. You don't see ball control like this every day. I can't do what they do, I mean I can and I do, but, not as good as they can. We warmed up enough? Or you two wanna make me look bad some more…"

  We got into a tight triangle, and juggled back and forth between the three of us. We slowly opened the triangle up, and the game was to keep the ball in the air, passing back and forth. I sometimes had to juggle a few times before sending it to one or the other, they could just one-time it around. By the time the triangle has opened up to a fair distance, it became painfully obvious I was now a liability.

  "Last one for me. You girls are on your own. Come on… show him the magic…"

  I came over smiling, and sat on the wall with him appreciating the show. Those two started backing up a little more every so often, increasing the distance between them constantly in little increments. They were able to continue one-timing the ball, back and forth now warmed up sufficiently to really show off. Head, knees, feet didn't really seem to matter. These two could bounce a ball with nearly any part of their body, to exactly the spot they needed to, to make a perfect pass to a waiting pyer who was in position to make a fast break. They finally were each backed up to their own practice net near them now, little practice goals. I expined that to him.

  "They're as far apart now, as they can about go and guarantee perfect one times back and forth. If you wondered? They're some of the best in the business at this level of control. When they get done, they're gonna start gun practice. One will feed the other a still ball, and the other is going to one time it, out of the air, into a goal shot. They get a point for every time they hit that little goal, and it bounces back. They get two points though, for it going in that little net hole in the middle."

  Bitching at each other was a lot more in fun now. Once they had balls on their feet, they were team mates and not room mates now, on instinct.

  "Come on! Feed my strong foot, bitch! You do that in a game? You're gonna cost us the game!"

  "Aw, shut up, tardfoot! I know, I know!"

  "So quit doing it! Before I come over there and send my spikes up your ass!"

  "I'm not the one who takes it up the ass, you whore!"

  "You know you wish you had him! You know he's hot as fuck!"

  "Hes a faggot! How can you brag, you fucked a faggot!"

  "He's bisexual, and you know it! You'd have fucked him too, if I hadn't of snagged him up first!"

  "That was before I knew he has a boyfriend! You're bragging, that a faggot cheated on his boyfriend with you! You got one pity-fuck, from a faggot!"

  "You know you wish you washed your panties on that 8 pack, bitch!"

  "Why do you think he stuck it up your ass?!?! Hello! He has a boyfriend!!"

  "Not that night, he didn't…!"

  "Please tell me you made him wear protection!"

  "Yeah!"

  "Good! Because I love you, and I don't want you getting AIDS!!"

  "Fuck you!!"

  "No thanks! I know where your ass has been!!"

  I'm hiding my face in my hands, because I'm quite frankly embarrassed at this. I finally shook my head at him and said… I'm sorry about that… then I cupped my hands and yelled.

  "Ladies! Please! We have company!!"

  "Sorry mom!"

  "Thank you!"

  Now to him…

  "Another reason, I'm considered such an insufferable cunt. Really though, they're no different than the boys on the football team, honestly. They'll fuck anything that moves, that gives them vaginal tingles. God, I hope I can trust you. Please, for the love of god… I swear. I'll do anything you want, if you just promise me…"

  My face must have showed, what my somewhat uncharacteristically pleading voice, was dispying. All but begging. He smiled, and touched my cheek, and drew my face in and put his lips on my ear.

  "I promise. Not only do I like your tan muscles better, honey? You have a brain, and that makes you twice as hot to me, as these two. I swear by all that's holy, if I would have heard this conversation here, before I asked little miss two feet out? I never would have, please believe me. I want a girlfriend, not just a fuck. And remember, hun. You? Give me special treats, that these two never could. I swear. I won't make fun of your kids, for being…"

  "You can say it. Something less than brilliant."

  "Yeah. And… I'll ignore any nerd jokes, and not retaliate with retard jokes. God help me, it's not fair to engage an unarmed person in a battle of wits. And you have my word… I will not… diddle your kids."

  "Thank you. Can you see though, these things don't just grow on trees, hun. Look at that control…"

  "I admit. It's… impressive, spectacur even. And, thank you for this little…"

  "Leg show?"

  "Yeah. You promise I'm not in trouble for…"

  "Looking? No. Enjoy. But, as far as scenario goes?"

  "Yeah…"

  "We're going to have a long talk, every now and then, just to make sure we have ongoing and mutual understanding, how some things are just to be looked at, and never, ever touched. I think you know exactly what position you will be in, while we have these little talks, right?"

  "Not only do I know? I can guess where these talks will be held at, and what piece of furniture will be involved."

  "Nice. An ongoing scenario, to have my naughty fun with. Now… if you continue to be good, like you have been? Mommy will see to you getting a leg show around the townhouse. If you like seeing those long, bare legs on these two? Dressed in nothing but a T shirt and panties? Enjoy. But remember, and don't you ever forget, mister. You, are my personal property. You belong to me."

  "I won't forget. I promise. I like being owned by you."

  "Good. But, if you ever, set one pinkie toe over the threshold to any of those other three bedrooms. And I don't care how innocent the situation or reason is. They don't even have to be in the room, for this to happen. I swear to god. You can't imagine what I will do to you, and for how long. If you break my heart like that? I swear to god, I will break you. That's not just a phrase, that's no scenario. That's real life. I will do practically anything you want, to try to make you happy and keep you. That? Is off limits. If any of them makes the slightest hint, and you even wonder? You'll come straight to me with it. Even if you're sure you're mistaken, you'll still come to me. Immediately. Is that clear?"

  "Yes. I promise."

  "All right. Now. Watch this…"

  "Girls!"

  "Yeah…?"

  "You look warmed up to me, come over here a minute!"

  They came jogging over, and it turned into a race. My god, its easy to forget what greased lightning looks like, slicing over ground horizontally. I'm no slowpoke, but these two can smoke me in the 100 yard dash, and everyone knows it. They can both turn on the jets, and just when you think you're watching a fast sprint, they still have bursts of speed that leave you speechless. He was clearly enjoying the show, and half entranced.

  They both had perspiration on them now, and their legs were warmed up and dispyed their long, lithe muscles even better. They had stopped on a dime coming in full tilt, and little miss two feet was smiling impishly. She knew she had given him a start, stopping impossibly close to what had surely seemed as if she would crash into him and take him off the wall.

  "Well dear? Ever see anything like that before?"

  "Ladies? I'm not just being polite. That… was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. Its like watching circus jugglers perform, I've never seen anything like that."

  "Mom said you pyed soccer. You can juggle a little bit."

  "Not… like that. I'm lucky to get ten taps, and that was when I still pyed. And I still can't believe how fast you two are. Its unreal."

  Little Lightning smiled.

  "Hey… speed kills."

  "Is… mom older than you?"

  She smiled and tossed her hair to extricate an errant fly.

  "No, silly. That's our momma bear."

  "Momma bear?"

  "Look at her, would you? You ever hear how you never, ever get between a momma bear and one of her cubs? If you're lucky enough to live, you'll never do it again in the woods, right? That's our momma bear. We're fast, we're accurate. But… we're vulnerable out there. Someone starts pying dirty, starts knocking us around? They get to meet… momma bear. She's a great fullback, she makes the goalie feel safe, but… she can py our positions, just good enough to go up and make sure we're safe. Then, she gets all the attention, from half the team coming after her. Which then means? We can run and gun around the goons they send out to get her. Momma bear protects us, and draws all the heat. Which lets us do our thing the rest of the game."

  "Momma bear was just expining to me, how protective she is of her… cute little cubs."

  "She is. We wouldn't be on the division scoring charts, if she wasn't out there doing her thing."

  The other one elbowed her.

  "Go on, tell him already."

  "All right. Look. You've been here, what, going on six weeks now? We're all allowed to have anyone over for the night we want. If a girl wants the same guy over every single night? That's her business. When… guys are around a lot? Its fine for a weekend here and there, but… we all vote on if a guy can stay like you are. Momma's head of household on the lease, she's been here the longest. She's got a year on us, being here. Head of household gets two votes, and we already know she casts those two votes yes. We both vote yes, too. Out of 5 possible votes, and 5 is an odd number, so there's no ties to break. That's 4 to 1, or 5 to zip, that you can stay."

  "Thanks. I appreciate that."

  The other one elbowed her again, to keep going.

  "All right, I know. Gee whiz already. Hey. I know this is awkward. I'll just say it. You… asked out a lot of the girls that py sports. Some guys dig it. Most don't. No hard feelings, I shut you done the couple times you wanted to walk me to css, get coffee, whatever. Don't get mad, I don't mean anything by it, but… a computer guy? Just isn't my thing. We all know who you are, you work in the math b. You… have saved a couple of girls on the teams, tutoring them. They had to pass math csses and stuff, or risk losing their schorships. You saved them. We owe you. The one was on our team. She don't live here, you'll meet her eventually. I mean it. Thanks. All… geek jokes aside? We'd be down a pyer if you hadn't got her through her trig css."

  Another elbow.

  "All right! Keep yer panties on. Anyways. Momma really really likes you. Most of us? Date too much, and she almost never dates. Its nice seeing her… happy. I swear, we've been joking for over six months now, that if someone would just… well, she'd be in a better mood. Whatever it is you're doing to her? Please keep it up. She's cranky till she gets her morning coffee? And ever since you got here, she's a little more fun to live with. And she wakes up in a good mood, even before the coffee. The joke is, if someone would start railing momma bear proper hard and regur, she'd be in a better mood, so… thanks for taking one for the team."

  The other one elbowed her.

  "Light! Momma's gonna smack you!"

  "Aw, he knows I'm making a joke, but seriously. The running gag is, whoever handles that, gets a pizza on us. You like pepperoni?"

  "Light…"

  "What? Look. We like you fine. I see you're wearing her number now. To us? That's like wearing a css ring. I know, it's like high school again, but you two are going steady. Just don't get her pregnant, she's slow enough as it is, okay? Christ! You elbow me one more time? I swear I'm gonna shove this ball up your ass! Sorry about… the other one up there, sleeping it off. She's an asshole. But, she's our asshole, and if she's a pain in the ass off the field, and a bigger pain in the ass to live with? You should see her py. We don't all put up with her shit for nothing. Just… pretend she doesn't exist, that's how we deal with her half the time. She… must have some kinda… issues? But, she can fucking py. Until momma strangles her one day, like you saw st night."

  "Light…"

  "I'm telling you, bitch. One more elbow? This ball's getting kicked farther up your ass, then that faggot's cock made it st semester! Jesus. Some people's kids. Momma's a homebody, Momma's always studying, because she's getting a… you know, a real degree. She likes quiet smart guys like you, and there's nothing wrong with that. All the computer jokes aside, no hard feelings?"

  "None, little one. Thanks. I wasn't kidding. I like the jokes. To me? Its a compliment."

  "All right. No hard feelings. There's no reason this has to be awkward. We like you just fine. And by the way?"

  "Yes…"

  "You ain't the first guy stayed here some. You're… not weird to have around. Guys get over here, they start to get… weird. Staring at the girls other than the one they're supposed to be here with. Trying to catch a look of us coming out of the bathroom to our room, after a shower. Always trying to… accidentally squeeze past us in the hallway? Its… a little creepy. That's what the voting is for, so a girl that likes some creepy guy, can't make us feel all weird-ed out, every time we're stuck here in our own pce with the guy. You? You don't do any of that. Thanks. God help me, the weirdest thing you ever did? You kinda throw yourself out of the way when I try to walk past you, or you stand still and put your hands in the air. Just cause I didn't wanna go out with you, doesn't mean I'm gonna stab you or something."

  "Oh. The truth? In the service, we have to work with girls in uniform. They read us the riot act about… not… look. The css on it, and they make us take the css once a year. Some guys like to, you know, find any excuse they can, to rub up against a girl? You know, on accident, but. They're trying to get little jollies about it. We were told to get out of a girl's way when we're in a tight space walking past each other, or its our ass. Also, if touching each other in a tight hallway, or in a vehicle, is unavoidable? The man is to freeze, and put his hands in the air. The woman will move past you. That way, she's in charge of the little brush up, and it makes her more comfortable about it. That's what I do to you girls. I move out of the way, or I put my hands in the air and freeze, so you can move past me. I don't believe in putting my hands on a girl, just to see if I can. I wasn't raised like that, the service drilled it into my head again. I'm not… afraid of you, I'm not weird-ed out because you wouldn't take free coffee and talk to me. That's what you've been seeing."

  "Really? Holy shit. Momma's right, you really are a real gentleman. She really likes that. Actually, you're the least creepy guy, ever stayed over, I think. You never stare, you don't make… little jokes, you never pat us on the ass, nothing. Thanks. Remember if it ain't 5 to nothing, it's 4 to 1. You? Are in. Just promise me and her, you won't be shy about putting your hands on momma bear. Before you guys went away for a couple days? She wouldn't shut up about you for three days straight. Its sweet. And god help me, she's less cranky now. Lot less of an insufferable…"

  The one behind her made a dramatic fake cough into her fist, that was clearly a joke pronunciation of "cunt".

  "I promise, to do my best, giving it to your momma as hard as she wants. And for the record? If I ever did start… staring, making creepy jokes, ying a single finger on you, smacking your butt even joking? Its my ass, she said she'll kill me. You ain't gotta worry about that, that ain't my style."

  I reminded him sweetly.

  "Get it right. I won't kill you? I'll hurt you, until you wish you were dead. And, as we all saw st night? These three are under orders from me, if anyone starts… making you uncomfortable, teasing you just to have fun? Well, you can see how that goes."

  "I ain't stupid enough to touch momma bear's new guy, uh uh. I'm brave, I ain't that brave. How about you?"

  "My left foot might not work right, but I ain't that dumb."

  "The only one known for that shit, is the other one. Look. Sport-fucking? Its a thing. You probably got more to worry about in that department? From girls that don't live here, or really the girls on the other teams. That said… I see she's got you wearing her number. You're going steady. You wear her number around every once in a while. Her shorts, her practice T shirt, one of her wristbands? Everyone knows, she hits like a man. We all know each other, even on the other teams. We know what team your steady girl pys on, and who she is by that number. I honestly don't think any girl on campus, will touch any guy that wears anything with her number like that. Bitch will spit teeth. Hurry is sweet and polite, and she stays home studying instead of going out like we do… but… no one wants to put a hair up her ass. You're tapping one of the alpha girls on campus, trust me. If that's your thing? I'm happy for the both of you."

  "Good god, I thought Hurry was her real name. Hurry? That's your nickname? Like… hurry up?"

  "No. The announcers call her that, and the name stuck. Hurry, is the short version of The Hurricane."