***

  ‘Hey, what gives? Where's the bank shootout?’

  [Tangerine, yesterday you considered pulling a gun out at a garden party, all because someone was rude to Sophia.]

  ‘Yeah, but I didn't, because it would have been a bad and stupid thing to do.’

  [It shouldn't have been a consideration.]

  The dream shifted and I'm back at my mum's ft in London.

  ‘Awww, more therapy?’

  My eleven year old self is watching TV in the living room. I imagine it's my eight hundredth repeat of the Owl House.

  Reading and ter writing Luz and Amity fan fiction was my gateway into the weird side of the internet.

  Dave walked into the house.

  ‘Aww fuck. Not Dave.’

  [Who is Dave.]

  ‘Don’t you already know all of my memories? ‘

  [We do. But it's advantageous to hear how you interpret people.]

  ‘I really liked Dave. He was a friend of my mum's. He got me in a way that most people didn't.’

  I watch Dave sit down beside me, open up a pack of crisps and offer me one.

  ‘What are you working on, Tans?’ he asked eleven year old me. And little me actually showed him. It was badly drawn fan art, of course. Because I'm eleven and I'm obsessed with The Owl House at this point in my life.

  ‘Holy shit. I just realized. I’m going to be a witch. Just like Luz!’

  [Rift walkers aren't witches. But yes you are.]

  ‘Wild. I even got teleported to a different realm. Though I think I will take the City of Doors over the Boiling Isle. That pce got a little fucked. Wait, is the Boiling Isles a real realm? Can I meet Amity?!’

  [We have never heard of a Realm called the Boiling Isles. But there are many undiscovered realms. So you never know.]

  ‘Honestly not sure if I want to find the pce or not. It's pretty wild there.’

  Dave is happily chatting with me about my test obsession. He always made time for me.

  Mom walks into the room. She's looking dolled up, “I’m going out.” She said, “ Dave’s is going to look after you till I'm back. Be good for him okay.”

  Eleven year old me just nods. Dave smiles a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

  My mum never settled. She loved men and wanted to enjoy what the world had to offer. Don't get me wrong she wasn't a total whore or anything. She just went on dates, and really not all that often, once or twice a month maybe. Between work and me, she didn't really have much time.

  Dave though... she never went out with Dave. The poor fool was in love with her. I could see it even back then, we all knew, even my mum. But they just danced around it.

  ‘There was nothing wrong with him, you know. He wasn't ugly, had a good job and his own pce. They met at work, at the hospital. I think he was a radiologist or something.’

  I just watch little me rabbiting on to Dave about all the banal shit that I was into.

  ‘Mum never brought home one of her dates. Though she rarely went out on a date with the same person three times. Never four. I wished she had picked Dave. He left in the end. Well, just slowly stopped hanging out. I think he met some girl and that was that.’

  [You are not Sophia’s Dave.]

  ‘I know that.’

  [Dave couldn't have changed the situation. There was nothing he could have done that would have changed your mother's mind.]

  ‘Maybe if he had tried!’

  [No. It was never meant to be.]

  ‘...’

  [You cannot cim Sophia. You cannot make her yours. If she chooses you, then it will be by her own volition.]

  ‘I wasn't trying too.’

  [...]

  ‘Do you know how hard this is. We are asleep together right now. She is in my arms!’

  [We understand the burden. Some of us have lived through simir burdens. But taking this burden on, doesn't mean anything else.]

  ‘I know that. But fuck, she's making it so difficult. She's happy dancing across the lines because she doesn't really understand them.’

  [Then make her understand. She wouldn't want to hurt you, of this we are sure.]

  ‘But I don't want it to change.’

  [You don't want to give up the hope.]

  ‘Dave knew. That's what made it so hard for him. He knew that my mother was never going to pick him, that she wasn't interested. That's why he left. I can't leave, I’m stuck with her.’

  ‘I know she's a nun. I know she's not interested, that the only thing she will truly love is her God. But I can't hold out hope deep down, that if things were different then there might be a chance…’

  [You would continue to do the right thing. Even if it hurts you. That we know.]

  ‘It’s just a stupid crush. I will get over it.’

  [You will, you are marvelously adaptable.]

  ‘Fuck me, these therapy dreams are always so heavy.’

  [Luckily it is time to wake up.]

  ***

  Woke up to Sophia clinging to me. My little sleepy head had drooled on my night shirt. I reach up and tuck some of that silver white hair behind her ear.

  Can I call her little when she's like eight inches taller than me?

  “Time to wake up Sister.”

  I got a mumbling little groan in reply. “Five more minutes.” she grumbled.

  I absolutely do not want to end up being this girl's surrogate mother. So I bully her a little. Hold her nose until she wakes up grumpy.

  “Hey? What did you do that for?” She asked.

  “It's morning, get off, you're heavy.”

  “I am not heavy!” She excimed. “Why are you being so mean!”

  Huh, yeah I am probably being a little mean, yeah I need to draw the line between us. But I shouldn't go too hard the other way. It's not her fault I'm crushing. “Bad dreams.” I said. “Sorry, I woke up a little grumpy.”

  She pulled me in tighter. This girl's love nguage is obviously physical contact. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.

  Fuck no. “It's okay. Just a dream.”

  I roll out of bed and get ready, while trying to avoid ogling the naked nun in the room. She makes it hard too by trying to talk to me while changing. I’m gd she's feeling comfortable around me. But fuck. I have to vacate the room, ciming a need for the toilet.

  ‘I’m going to have to have the conversation with her, aren't I?’

  [It seems that way. Our assessment is that she does not understand that it is possible that you might be attracted to her.]

  ‘How can she not know? Been pretty clear about the whole gay thing.’

  [She has been trained to not view herself as a sexual being. For her sex is for procreation and procreation is a duty. Desire takes no part in the matter for her.]

  ‘Wait, what?’

  [This is the doctrine of the Lord of Light.]

  ‘No the duty part. Are nuns not celibate in Arthurian?’

  [No. Nuns are often used as surrogates. We believe this is why Lord Balin is so interested in Sister Sophia. He desired Lillian for her Rift Walker offspring. When she came to live with her extended family in the City of Doors, His ambitions turned to Sophia.]

  ‘Holy fuck.’

  [Yes.]

  [Literally.]

  ‘This is not the time for jokes!’ I still ughed.

  ‘Does that even work? Would I have Rift Walker kids?’

  [While they believe it in Arthurian, there is no evidence to show that the rift walking trait is passed down. It merely seems that way because Rift Walkers tend to be wealthy, so can afford the procedures to give their children a chance at developing the trait. But a Rift Walker is no more likely to have a natural rift walker child than any other couple.]

  ‘So Lord Balin is going to knock up Sophia for no purpose at all then, and Sophia is okay with it?’

  [Sister Sophia has been led to believe it is her duty. It is within the tenets of her religion.]

  ‘And we are okay with this?’

  [That is a question for Maria. We cannot give information about other hosts.]

  Fuck. What a fucked up morning this has been. It's not even Truday!

  I join the rest for breakfast, while trying not to stew on the information.

  After we all finished eating and everyone went their separate ways, I found Maria alone in her office. Nice office, walls lined with books, big oak desk. Huge windows behind it, with a clear view out into the city.

  “Hello Tangerine?” Maria said.

  “Hey, err honestly I don't really know how to ask about this. It's not really my business.”

  “Ask as best you can, and I will answer if I am able.”

  “Does Lord Balin want Sister Sophia for a surrogate?” I asked.

  “While I have never been officially told that, yes it is common knowledge that this is what he wants.”

  “And are we okay with that?”

  Maria pauses for a moment, considering how to answer. “Officially the Academy cims dominion over all Rift Walkers. Practically, the Academy has to be careful how that rule is enforced. The realms and families hold sway over the Rift Walkers born there. If the Academy went to war with a Realm then there is a good chance the Rift Walkers from that realm fight on the other side. And wars between Rift Walkers can be devastating beyond imagination.”

  She fussed with some papers on her desk. “So all this to say, if sister Sophia chooses to return to fulfill what she believes to be her duty - then there is little that I or the Academy can do to stop her.”

  But then she gave me a knowing smile. “Of course the Academy will help find a permanent solution to Sister Sophia's curse. But as luck would have it, such an effective temporary solution has been found. Well, resources are tight, and funding has to be allocated to where it's most in need.”

  She's practically grinning now. “The Academy feels due to your help stabilizing the situation, this has become a low priority issue. And of course given a number of years training in the Academy, there will be very few people in Arthurian that could tell Sister Sophia what to do.”

  Fuck, this must be Maria the dean. The Maria who is possibly the most politically powerful person in the known realms.

  “So I…?” I asked.

  “You just keep doing what you are doing. The Academy does not want to lose an asset, and I do not want to see a girl lost to indoctrination and dogma. With your help, and given enough time, it's possible that Sophia will resolve this situation herself. We just need to show her there is more to life than her doctrine decrees.”

  “Yeah.” I said with a smile. “I can do that.”

  “I knew I could count on you Tangerine.” She changed the subject. “Only two more days before you go to the Academy, how are you feeling?”

  “Excited mostly. I'm ready to start learning how to use all this mana. Not really looking forward to living there though. I kinda like it here.”

  Maria smiled at this. “It is important for the css to spend a lot of time together. To forge those close bonds. A Rift Walker alone is near unstoppable, Rift walkers together can not be stopped. But do not worry too much, the Academy is close and you can come visit us on Voidays. Also you will see me there often enough.”

  This made me very happy. There was a small part of me that felt once the Academy started that this small part of my life would be over. I really didn't want it to be over.

  I left Maria's office after chatting a little more. I didn't really have any pns today, so I spent most of the day practicing my mana control. Which still sucked, but with addition of the sol ring, I had a truly stupid amount of mana to fire hose around.

  Bed time arrived. Sophia continued to be her obliviously over familiar self. Which of course made me and my dy bits a ball of frustration. But after all that I learnt today I didn't have it in my heart to have the conversation today.

  After we got into bed, for the first time I pulled her into my embrace instead of the other way around. “No matter what.” I said. “I’ll be here for you. You know that right?”

  Sophia buried her face into my chest, but I caught a slight blush blossom across her cheeks.

  “Yeah” she said. “I think I do.”

  ***