“So,” I cpped my hands. “Today is officially a chill day. No duties, no rituals, no forbidden magic.”

  Charmie gasped. “No prophecy?”

  “Yes.”

  “No flirting?”

  “Yes! Yessss!!” I shouted.

  She looked emotionally conflicted.

  The day descended into chaos almost instantly.

  Grando tried to enforce “proper vassal posture.” Sparky kept sparking whenever he got bored, which was always. Glutto, our Royal Tester, whose sacred duty was to test food for poison was testing everything, including things that were clearly not food.

  “Glutto,” I said, watching her sniff a rock, “that’s stone.”

  “Stone today,” she replied cheerfully, taking a bite anyway. “Crunchy!”

  Also I learned something important that day. When Grando asks a question politely, calmly, and with perfect posture. Something has already gone terribly wrong.

  “My lord,” Grando said, standing beside my desk with her hands folded neatly in front of her, silver ponytail unmoving, expression immacute. “May I confirm the inventory?”

  I blinked once.

  “…Inventory of what.”

  “The human artifacts you ordered transported from Zone 3 into the Inner Realm.”

  I leaned back in my chair slowly. “…Why.”

  “To ensure none have gone missing.”

  I stared at the ceiling. “Yes,” I said carefully. “Please confirm.”

  Grando turned, eyes sweeping the room with terrifying efficiency.

  “The stove,” he said. “Present.”

  “Yes,” I replied.

  “The washing machine.”

  “Yes.”

  “The smaller kitchen appliances.”

  “Yes.” I nodded.

  She paused.

  The pause was short. But meaningful.

  “The ft rectangur artifact,” Grando continued. “The thin one. Bck. Shiny. Fragile.”

  I sat up. “…What ft rectangur artifact.”

  Grando looked at me.

  Not accusingly.

  Not angrily.

  Just… disappointed.

  “The one you were staring at for two hours and thirty-seven minutes yesterday... watching girls with big boobs dancing, my lord,” Grando expined a little too perfectly, making me freeze in embarrassment as I muttered, “…Ah.”

  Silence fell.

  “Can you not be so detailed? Sometimes you’re scarier than that stupid announcement system...”

  [Announcement: Demon Lord watched girls with big boobs dancing for two hours and thirty-seven minutes yesterday.]

  It made me freeze in rage.

  “Why...why?!” I shouted, while Grando, clearly flustered, quickly denied it, making me even more suspicious as the system somehow mimicked his words perfectly.

  I cleared my throat and said, “Anyway… I already knew what it was.”

  Charmie froze mid gossip pose.

  Sparky stopped pacing.

  Lazi didn’t move at all, but I felt her awareness spike beneath the bnket.

  Glutto chewed.

  “…It’s gone, isn’t it,” I muttered.

  Grando nodded once. “Yes.”

  I pressed my palms together.

  “…Okay. That’s fine. That’s manageable. I am completely calm.”

  [Announcement: Demon Lord mental stability: questionable.]

  “System,” I said ftly. “Please stop narrating my emotions.”

  [System Response: Request denied.]

  I inhaled. Then exhaled. “Alright,” I said. “Nobody panic.”

  Immediately...

  “PANIC?!” Sparky shouted, sparks bursting around her boots. “IS THIS AN INVASION?”

  “No,” I said.

  “SABOTAGE?”

  “No.”

  “ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT?!”

  “No.”

  “…PROPHE—”

  She spped both hands over her mouth so hard sparks leaked through her fingers.

  I turned slowly. “Okay... Time for headcount,” I said.

  "Charmie!"

  Charmie straightened. “Present!”

  “Grando.”

  “Yes,” Grando replied.

  “Sparky.”

  “YES, MY LORD!” she barked.

  “Lazi.”

  From the couch: “…I am horizontally present.”

  “…That’s not reassuring.”

  “And Glutto.”

  “Yes~!” she chirped happily from the doorway, cheeks puffed with food.

  I squinted. “…Why are you holding food.”

  She tilted her head. “Because I’m hungry.”

  “You are always hungry.”

  “Yes,” she said proudly.

  I blinked. “…I already met five vassals?”

  Grando nodded proudly. “Yes, my lord.”

  “That means…” I slowly raised two fingers.

  “…Two remain,” Grando finished solemnly.

  The room went quiet.

  Glutto paused mid bite. “Ohhh. Does that mean celebration food ter?”

  “…We’ll see.”

  “Yay!” She resumed eating immediately, cheeks puffed, crumbs falling everywhere.

  Lazi rolled over under her bnket. “…Wake me when it’s eight.”

  Charmie cpped excitedly. “You’re progressing so fast, my lord!”

  “I wasn’t trying,” I muttered.

  Grando nodded. “That aligns with fate’s usual cruelty.”

  “…I hate that.”

  I spped my hands on the desk. “Back to the problem. One artifact is missing.”

  Grando inclined his head. “Indeed.”

  I turned slowly.

  “Glutto.”

  “Yes?” she replied brightly.

  “Did you touch the forbidden ste.”

  She thought for a moment.

  “…Is that the shiny pte that screamed.”

  The room froze.

  “…What,” I said very slowly, “did you just say.”

  “It screamed earlier,” she said. “I thought it was greeting me.”

  Sparky screamed louder than the artifact ever could. “WHY WAS IT SCREAMING?!”

  “It showed pictures of food,” Glutto continued innocently. “And then a male started yelling about sponsors.”

  I stood up so fast my chair fell over backward. “Where is it?”

  She pointed down the hall. “Kitchen!”

  I ran.

  Charmie ran.

  Sparky exploded forward in a trail of sparks.

  Grando walked.

  Lazi’s bnket lifted, floated, and carried her zily behind us like a ghost who had given up.

  We skidded into the kitchen.

  And on the counter... The iPad.

  Hovering.

  Glowing.

  Covered in greasy fingerprints.

  Glutto stood in front of it, poking the screen with one finger while chewing. “…Why is it glowing,” she asked.

  “…Why did you touch it,” I whispered.

  “It talked.”

  “…Of course it did.”

  The screen lit up. “HEY GUYS! WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL!”

  Sparky screamed and hurled her spear.

  “NO!” I shouted.

  The spear missed by a miracle, embedding itself into the refrigerator with a loud cng.

  The video kept pying.

  “…WHY IS IT TALKING,” Charmie whispered.

  “That’s a human,” I said. “They do that.”

  Glutto leaned closer. “Is it edible?”

  “NO.”

  She frowned. “Unfortunate.”

  I spped the screen.

  Silence.

  Everyone stared at me like I’d just sin a god.

  “…My lord,” Charmie whispered. “You silenced it... Without chanting.”

  “I pressed a button."

  “…Amazing.”

  I turned to Glutto. “You are no longer allowed to test things without permission.”

  She saluted with food. “Yes!”

  “…Did you eat anything else.”

  She thought. “…Maybe.”

  “WHAT DID YOU EAT,” Sparky shouted.

  “…A cable.”

  I closed my eyes.

  Grando spoke calmly. “Did it harm you.”

  “No,” Glutto replied. “It tasted bad.”

  “…Progress,” Grando said.

  I exhaled.

  “This,” I said, lifting the tablet carefully, “is why demons are not ready for technology.”

  Charmie nodded vigorously.

  Glutto raised her hand. “Can I eat it ter...? After it stops screaming?”

  “No.”

  “…When I’m very hungry?”

  “You are always hungry.” I sighed.

  “Yes,” she agreed.

  Sparky crossed her arms. “…My lord.”

  “Yes,” I replied.

  “…You are pnning to keep these artifacts.”

  “Yes.”

  “…Inside the Inner Realm.”

  “Yes.” I nodded.

  Her eye twitched. “…The prophecy says—”

  “No.”

  She bit her tongue so hard sparks leaked out.

  I looked around.

  Five vassals.

  One missing sense of peace.

  And somehow...

  This was considered a normal day.

  [Announcement: Demon Lord Stress Level, Critical.]

  I sighed deeply.

  “…Two vassals left,” I muttered. “And I already regret it.”