Once, when I had been alive, I had witnessed a coworker let out a particularly loud fart while talking to a young girl. I remember the seconds immediately after the noisy bomb; they had lasted an eternity, only broken by my boss walking in, blissfully unaware of the scene he was interrupting. He let out a loud noise of disgust and asked if someone had forgotten to clean the toilets. I had never felt more embarrassed for someone, and I was sure that coworker had wished he could turn invisible, straight-up disappear, or perhaps be dragged to hell.

  That was about a tenth of the feeling I was experiencing right now.

  It wasn’t that I was embarrassed. Sure, a banana peel wasn’t the most dignified choice of weapon, but it had gotten the job done. It was just the feeling of having all eyes on me, waiting for an explanation, an excuse, or a demonic portal to appear beneath me and remove me from the situation. Instead, I had Edvald coughing politely but pointedly, while the Queen, Bolshe, and Stelheim stared at me expectantly. King Odval looked confused, and when he didn’t understand something, he tended to get angry and demand heads start rolling. I had to cut this off before someone got ideas. I willed the mana inside me to work and shot out a note, which landed on the face of the dead would-be assassin. One of the silent guards moved forward, picked the note up, and read it aloud for the royal family.

  “‘Be not afraid!’ A bit of a presumptuous start if you ask me, but okay. ‘Be not afraid! I mean no harm! I am the spirit of the castle Freise! For years I have watched and guided this kingdom so that it may prosper, as is its rightful destiny! I am called to be a subtle hand on the scales of fate, but in my duty and love for the House of Freise, I could not stand idly by and let the honorable princess be slain by common rabble!’ Well, that seems convenient.” He passed the note to the king, who waved it off to Bolshe. The queen was the first to answer, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

  “You’ve been watching us for years, eh? So you’ve seen and heard everything done in this throne room from your position there? Also, do not worry—we are most definitely not afraid.” If I had a throat, I would’ve gulped from fear. I hastily wrote a second paper, which the annoyingly opinionated guard took and read again.

  “‘No, your most beautiful and exalted highness! It was more like, from my heavenly perch, I could sense when things are awry or going sideways or what have you, and from there I could act in a fitting manner depending on the circumstance. Like, if I felt one of you choking on a peanut, I might have a maid walk by and whack you on the back or something. You know, coincidental-like.’ Didn’t that happen to the king once?” The king shrugged in an embarrassed fashion.

  “It was a walnut, actually,” he admitted. I shot out another note hastily.

  “‘Exactly! That was me! See, I can’t really discern day-to-day details or anything, if that’s what you are asking! I just know when this family of blessed nobility requires my assistance and act within my station to the best of my many abilities!’ Pretty useful, huh?” I didn’t have a butt, but I felt my cheeks clench all the same. What the queen had really asked me was, “What do you know about my affairs and plotting and all the other horribleness we get up to in here?” My story was flimsy, but it was all I had. To my surprise, though, the king seemed to light up.

  “So, what you are saying is that you watch over the House of Freise in order to ensure our prosperity? And you do this because...?” My note came out before he had finished speaking.

  “‘Because the House of Freise is the most noble and just house in all the lands! Surely, you must know it, powerful king! Under your rule, your subjects thrive, and all is well within the land! You are, in all likelihood, one of the best kings of all time! Top ten at least, maybe top five! I would have to check my charts back in the heavenly plains from which I come, but I’m pretty sure we have statues of you!’” The king smiled in a satisfied way and sat back in his throne. He was so starved for encouragement that my words bypassed the part of his brain capable of logic and hit him straight in his fragile ego. The queen was not nearly as swayed, and she made it clear.

  “Let’s say I believe you, and that you are not a spy or demon. What proof do you have? And why would you inhabit a lowly vessel like a trashcan when there is a perfectly good suit of armor mounted not five feet from where you sit?” I mentally kicked myself. Indeed, there was a suit of armor just a few feet away. I had been planning to eat it to see if I could use the legs. I shot another note out hastily.

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  “It says, ‘In the moment of your daughter’s need, I could not let my own ego prevent such a tragedy. What is the lowest form compared to the need of a princess? Also, the angle for the banana and the vectors of attack meant that this was the only way to ensure her safety. I was given a flash of all possible timelines and chose the one way to save her! Because of duty! And love! Also, a suit of armor is kind of like a trashcan to us heavenly spirits when you think about it! Maybe you wouldn’t choose a trashcan, but it’s really not so bad once you’re there! It’s all a matter of perspective. Oh, and to prove it, I can offer no proof but my own service! Now that I have manifested a form, I am bound by my duty to guide and assist the kingdom until I am recalled back toward the heavens!’”

  There was an impossibly long silence. I wanted to scream at Vivi to say something, anything, but she was quietly sitting and looking at the dead guy with the banana peel stuck to his boot. Perhaps the shock of almost dying had really rattled her. I couldn’t blame her. To my surprise, it was Stelheim who broke the silence this time, appealing directly to the king and queen.

  “Your highnesses, excuse me for butting into royal business, but in Germanen, we actually are aware of this phenomenon! The great kings and queens being aided by a celestial in many forms is a story dating back to the origins of my own great country. Why, even now the current king was once saved from a hidden assassin when a donkey, possessed by some benevolent spirit, attempted to, uh, know the fellow in question in an intimate manner, revealing his poisoned dagger and note of assassination in the town square!” Stelheim was helping me? That couldn’t be good, but I had to go with it. I spat another note.

  “It says, ‘Yes, that was my cousin! The Germanen king is not quite as good as Odval, but definitely top twenty, so he gets one of us too! We do a lot of business there! Great pastries!’” Stelheim nodded in agreement.

  “My lovely queen and powerful king, he speaks it true! Our pastries are great! We call this kind of spirit a ‘Lugenheld,’ and they have assisted the great kings and queens of Germanen for time immemorial! Surely, sensing your greatness and the enemies at the gate, it was compelled to act! In Germanen, it is customary to give the Lugenheld a great task after manifesting to prove the worth of the spirit! If it is true, no task is too great! If not... well, sometimes nature takes its course.” I wanted to scream at Stelheim to shut up. He could have stopped at Lugenheld! Still, it didn’t seem like I was completely on the chopping block. The queen didn’t believe any of what I was saying, but the king was eating it up. I decided to go for the kill with my final note.

  “It says, ‘Oh, great King Odval, wielder of Drakebreaker and slayer of giants! I beseech thee, send me on some royal quest, so that I might not only prove my loyalty but also bring prosperity to your kingdom! Or if that doesn’t sound good, just tell me to get lost and I will get out of here, no problem! It’s all up to you!’ Sounds kinda like he wants to leave, huh?” I debated printing a note criticizing the guard who was reading for adding his two cents, but decided against it. The king sat back, eyes pointed to the sky as he enjoyed the idea of being so great a king that divine intervention was required to keep his kingdom safe. The queen went to say something, but he waved her off and stood to make a proclamation. Oof, he was definitely going to pay for that later, but right now he was flying high.

  “Great Lugenheld! My mana-steel mines to the south have been plagued by some foul demon as of late! Go and exorcise this demon so that the work may begin! Do this, and I will consider you a friend of the court! Your most great king, who by your own admission is probably in the top five, has spoken!” I was going to live! For at least another day! But of course, now I had to exorcise a demon. Well, deal with the problem in front of you, right?

  As I composed a note of acceptance, I noticed the goblin Mug lurking in the background. It really was a pathetic thing; big green ears, flattened nose, wearing a loose burlap tunic and boots with no soles. It was all of three feet tall, and it looked so beaten down I couldn’t help but compare it to a kicked dog with three legs and one eye. I felt a wave of pity for his station as the prince’s personal servant. I didn’t mean to, but the words on my note changed before I realized, and then it was out into the world, snatched by the chatty guard.

  “It says, ‘I humbly accept! I will cleanse this mine! But I must request the services of one to help me navigate in this form until my power grows! Perhaps that goblin lurking behind the chair! He seems like he could be of assistance in my holy mission! Or maybe make a good human shield!’” The king nodded, even as Prince Edvald made to protest. I had another idea.

  “‘And toss those cursed weapons inside me! I shall use my divine power to track the source of this dark magic in order to find the ones responsible for this attack! But it might take a while! Probably, if I had to guess, three to six months? Maybe! But if I start now, I can go even faster!’” The King nodded again.

  “Yes, yes, sure. Whatever. It shall be so. You and the goblin will leave tomorrow for the mines. Until then, you will be filled with the weapons of rebellion and placed in a dungeon. It is so!” Well, I was spending the night in the dungeon, and tomorrow I was heading into certain doom, but tonight?

  Tonight, I lived. Plus, I had saved a princess, gotten a forced squire, and managed to get a belly full of magical weapons. Not bad for a day’s work.