Diast had her lights a bit dim in her office; it made the room feel a bit cozy. I felt like I was talking to a therapist instead of just my teacher. Though I guess she was also my i doctor, so maybe this all fell uhat too.

  “OK, you start at the beginning?” Diast said. “If you don’t mind.”

  I told Dr. Diast a brief version of my time with Jeans. With still getting into the bad parts, maybe more than I intended, but the amount of detail I really o say. Dr. Diast was quiet for a split sed that really terrified me.

  “You’re not still talking to her, are you?” Diast asked. “Jeans, I mean.”

  I shook my head.

  “Thank all that is holy,” Diast said.

  Hearing that as Diast’s immediate reaade me feel a little better, too. Everyone who heard about what I went through with Jeans, even when I sugarcoated it, had that rea.

  “But Ovie…” I said. “Ovie I still talked to. Until, you know.”

  “Oh…oh.” Diast said. She looked up at the ceiling to think. “OK, a lot is making sense now. So Ovie was…gotcha.”

  Diast sighed again.

  “That’s a hell of a lot for you to deal with.” Diast said. “It’s pretty impressive you’re still doing well in css in spite of all this, you know. Really impressive, holy.”

  “What, scraping by?” I said.

  “No, yenuinely doing good! And on top of that hanging over you. Like, pat yourself on the back for that at least, girl.”

  “Thanks,” I said. After going through some more tissues, I started babbling. “I hated to think about this, but with everyone gone I ’t stop thinking about it. Not just that I feel bad about Ovie, that I actally did all that to her…that I keep getting reminded of every time someoares and whispers about me…but I also ’t get the idea out of my head that it’s not fair that Jeans is doier than me now. But it’s so mean to even think that! So then I feel even muilty…”

  “Why would she be doier than you?” Diast asked.

  “She’s not alone…you know what I mean. Not alone alone.” I said. “She’s probably happy…and I’m still sad.”

  “If it’s just that she’s dating and you’re not, I wouldn’t t that as a win,” Diast said, thankfully readiween the lines of what I said without needing futher crification from me. “If she wrecked two retionships at once, she probably has the personality type that will always be wanting more and presumably tinuing to wreck retionships. And you know what else?”

  “What?” I said.

  “That you show remorse shows that you’re a g person,” Diast said.

  “Th-thanks,” I said. “I do like helping people. I was even trying to help Kalei out this m.”

  “That is awesome, but I have a bit of advice there on that note,” Diast said. “Don’t spread yourself too thin.”

  “Huh?”

  “You’re a kind persoa,” Diast said. “And if you’re trying to fill that hurt with giving for others, you have to make sure you don’t go past your own limits.”

  “But…helping people is good! Why would that…” I said. “If I don’t help anyone, doesn’t that prove it all right?”

  “Prove what all right?”

  “That…if I don’t help, I’m…” I said. “I’m not a good person.”

  “Think of it this way,” Diast said. “I’m not saying like, stop helping anyone and be a selfish jerk, because that isn’t good either. Picture a piece of toast. You’ve got to butter it, but you’ve only got so much butter. The butter is how much giving you have to give. And none of us have an infinite amount of butter. Even that i with the butter creating powers only had a near infinite amount of butter.”

  It was starting to make sense. Maybe the reason I was so upset about all this was because I had spread myself too thin already. And maybe Diast could see that, too.

  “We all only have so much to give,” Diast said. “And if you’ve been giving to everyone around y to make them happy, you’re not giving yourself any time.”

  Thinking about how my weekend had gone so far, I really hadn’t given myself any time. Sure, I had my mope walks, but those weren’t really productive or at all rewarding to myself outside of getting some exercise in and burning off some worry. So they were someroductive, but not really good at giving myself recovery time.

  “It’s on when someos ahrough something like you’ve been through,” Diast said. “The victim doesn’t want to repeat it, so they try to please everyohey . But nobody in the world please everyone. Not even that i with the butter creating powers, and he really tried.”

  Victim. It was weird thinking of myself that way with the Jeans situation, but it did make sense.

  “So how do I…not?” I asked. “I’m so scared of another Jeans...or being a Jeans myself.”

  “Setting firm boundaries is good, even just in friendships,” Diast said. “That way, you won’t force yourself to give too much. It’s also really important you have a personal value system to live by, but that’s a discussion for another day. I loan you a book if you want that’s really good for stuff like that.”

  “Yeah?” I asked. “I’d like that.”

  By that point, I was finally at a point where I didn’t stantly need a tissue in my face. I didn’t know if I was ready to go though. I felt like if I went back right then, I’d just be baoping at the fountain in no time.

  “Hey, Dr. Diast,” I said. “One more thing.”

  “Go for it, buddy.”

  “Whealked on the phoer our first appoi, you said something about moving on,” I said. “That I let go of people to move forward.”

  “I think I remember that,” Dr. Diast said.

  “If I get to the point where I’m ready to move on…do I…you know, deserve to?” I said. “If there’s something that I want…that I could maybe get. To, you know, help with the…moving on business. I guess what I’m asking…am I like, how long should I…?” I trailed off.

  “If you’re asking if you do kind things for yourself without feeling guilty, the ao that is yes. I’d be more ed about you needing to put yourself in any kind of penance for all that stuff. It absolutely wasn’t your fault. Don’t hold yourself back for that crap from being happy.”

  “OK,” I said. “Thank you.”

  “Any time,” Diast said. “If you’re ever feeling like that again, don’t hesitate to find me or the nurses here. We have a pretty good seling program, I think at least."

  “I will,” I said. “Thank you so much.”

  I left her office feeling a lot less burdehan I had wheered. Suddenly a weekend to myself didn’t sound quite as bad.