I was in terrible pain that m. The st few days of not knowing were bliss. I was riding the wave of it without the truth of why. The pain wasn’t physical (sometimes, of course, going through all this could hurt like that). But more like a guilty vice. Oka was already so burdened with all the Kiuff she had to do. I tried to beg myself not to add to her list of stressors. I had never figured out how to make a crush go away in the early phases.

  I already could feel how it would go. One minute I'd be joyous, relishing every smile, ugh, and times when I could stare without her looking. Then I'd want to cry. I couldn't speak up about this to her.

  I’m not brave. I’m weak.

  That was all I could think as I realized all my g her retly were at her eyes, her lips. How long had I been staring at her like that?

  Oka stirred, and I flinched as she yawned and sighed, as if she could read my mind and knew my new secret.

  Seds after she shut off the arm on it, Oka’s power blocker lit up with a call. She held it up to her ear.

  “Yeah?” Oka asked groggily. “OK.”

  Oka crawled out of bed.

  “M,” She said groggily as she walked past me.

  I croaked some kind of response. I thought about getting ready as well, but I was a mix of fluttery anxiousness and sleepiness. Phase zero was draining. I mostly just sat there dopily staring at Oka’s bed.

  “I got a Kihing to go to,” Oka said as she grabbed her backpack. “See ya in css!”

  I sat there and dopily stared at Oka’s bed a bit more after she left. After burning away more pre with ina, I finally dragged myself out of bed, not wanting to start my m routine once Kalei .

  After a brush, double brush, brush, double brush, triple brush, double brush, I stared at myself in the mirror, partially to make sure I looked alright and partially in judgment of the crush I had fallen into.

  I remembered a line from Last Flower of the East that I read while I was dealing with my first three crushes.

  “That when I spoke,” I mumbled to myself. “I felt like I was unstoppable, uable despite the odds against my fragile self. I’ll lie to the truth of my heart in a vain attempt to breathe again. I would be silent to the call because I was afraid of what it meant.”

  “Zeta!” Kalei yelled, making me yelp as she announced her presen the bathroom doorway. “Quit quoting…whatever that is. I ie assist.”

  I moved to stand behind Kalei and helped her tie her tie.

  “One of these days you should learn how to do this yourself.” I said as I looped her tie around. "And stop fidgeting, just stand still."

  “Nah.” Kalei said. "I mean, nah to the learning it myself. I stand still."

  " you?" I asked as I had to start over with her tie because she kept moving.

  "...nah," Kalei said. "Or maybe, I dunno?"

  “How’d you know I was quoting something?” I said as I finished her tie.

  “Because you’re always quoting something,” Kalei said. “That weird writing style Raina Starlight has is pretty hard to miss even if you’re muttering it.”

  “Right,” I said.

  I obviously couldn’t focus in css that m. I’m at a freaking girls’ school, why couldn’t I crush on someone like oher side of the dorms or something? That would have beeer. I would only have to see them iing moments. Instead, I could see Oka’s adorable preciousness every css and stantly be reminded of her warm smile, her generally pretty perfect hair styling, and every other thing I suddenly realized I was attracted to.

  The end of Phase Zero of me having a crush: I check 3WMB ahe article on crushes and the physical effects they have on the body. That’s when the roller coaster really starts.Then after Phase Zero ends, Phase One immediately begins and Phase One is never a good time. Phase One of Crush: Get real stressed about it and bme everything else for said stress.I stared bnkly at the se we had to read for a project for Soleri’s css. I stalled reading a sentehat started with “Upon further refles, the Stamp Agreement of EM-1319 had many bes to the VCV postal lisure including the additions of the font faces regaldribraund, formo, and droogus and their effe i with the excess fur trait...” and couldn’t recover. I checked my progress for motivation, but I was twraphs into a 13-page reading.

  I buried my fa the books, hoping for some kind of osmosis that would absorb the information into my brain. It didn’t help that I stupidly decided to read in the cafeteria, hoping to catch up on csswork on a day off.

  Just as I weighed options to “actally” have my textbook destroyed, the others stopped by for breakfast.

  “Zeta’s doing the thing,” Oka said.

  “What thing?” I asked, worried she'd found out. “I’m not doing a thing!”

  “You have a mark where your head was on the edge of the book.” Oka said. “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but reading doesn’t work that way.”

  "Oh," I said. Just a school thing. Not a phases of crush thing. I rubbed my forehead at the spot where the mark was. I decided almost twraphs was enough to take a break and try to enjoy my fruit sad. And because I needed more brain focus power to not stare at Oka now that she had joined me at the table.

  “How are you all keeping up with css stuff?” I asked, stabbing my fork iic bowl a bit mgressively than I normally would have. I tried to not make eye tact with Oka.

  “Managing,” Kalei said.

  “This se we have to read for Soleri is just…s,” I said. “I feel like I’m going to fall into something past sleep. And if I do that, I fail a expelled, but I’d be in a state past sleep so that might not be so bad.”

  “Dude, weren’t you just in trouble with him and pining about his css like a week ago?” Kalei asked. “It’s…repetitive.”

  “Teachers give multiple assigs, Kalei.” I said. I had to throw her off the trail of Phase One. “Multiple assigs about fonts.”

  “If I may add my opinion, a a probably wouldn’t be your best option,” Oka said.

  “My uncle once made my aunt tell his pany he was in a a, so he wouldn’t have to e in,” Aira said. “The real problem was when they came to che him, and he had to actually put himself in a a! What a goof.”

  Aira didn’t crify any further, and we were too afraid to ask.

  “It’s not fun, but you do have to hit that point where you have to just start w,” Oka said. “If you keep up with your csswork, you’ll get there!”

  “You sound like Lillia,” I said.

  Oka ged her posture to look more dignified.

  “Miss Faleur,” Oka said in a pitch perfect Lillia impression. “If you really give your effort into your studies rather than after school debauchery, then you would have nothing to worry about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have tanize my encyclopedia encyclopedias, a colle of encyclopedias that are themselves a s of encyclopedias.”

  “That was incredible,” I said.

  “I’ve been practig!” Oka said. “But seriously, don’t stress yourself out so much.”

  Kalei took a big sip from her drink while subtly gesturing behind us. Lillia was suddenly behind Oka, gring with her hands on her hips. Kalei bit her straw to stop from ughing.

  “H-hi, Lillia.” Oka said.

  Lillia adjusted her gsses.

  “I’ll have you know that it’s not called an encyclopedia encyclopedia, that would be redundant,” Lillia said. “And it’s more of a list than a colle of books.”

  Oka went red from embarrassment to redder fr not to ugh. Lillia ignored her and turo me.

  “Although the point she attempted to make was sound,” Lillia said. “You really should focus on your studies, Zeta. It’ll aid you in school life and in the void. We’ll all o be at our peak performances with the increase of battles for css soon.”

  After reminding us that we all had her taformation if we needed a study partner, Lillia left, and Oka excused herself to go ugh ihroom about the encyclopedia encyclopedia. Kalei didn’t excuse herself to start ughing.

  I wondered what it would be like to study with Lillia. She wasly mean to me, but her personality was a bit stiff. Oka came back to the table still red faced but her ughing fit resolved. I bit the inside of my cheek to not freak out from how freaking adorable it was.

  “I shouldn’t be so mean, that was mean,” Oka said. “Do you think she’d tutor me after I was mean?”

  “It’s worth a shot,” I said. “I’m sidering it. Oh!”

  “What?” Kalei asked.

  Another part of Phase One was fetfulness about things I probably shouldn't be fetful on. While I was trying to keep up with my Soleri reading, I fot another school requirement.

  “I think I have an advisor meeting with Diast!” I said, cheg my schedule. “And it's...right now. Sorry, I gotta go!”