Phase Zer the evening Oka and I danced again, there was a moment just as we were ing up our awkward swaying where we ged positions. We suddenly held hands with our fingers iwined. We locked eyes just for a sed. I was lost in her perfect, green hued eyes. It only sted a brief moment. But my heart did a bathump, and that bathump of my heart hase zero of me having a crush.

  Kalei showed up shortly after, and things went back to normal-ish for the night.

  Usually within phase zero of a crush, my dreams about the person I have a crush on start happening. That night I had a dream about Oka and I holding hands, our fingers iwined like they were the evening before, and even in the dream my heart bathumped.

  I woke up realizing it wasn’t a dream. My body felt fluttery instantly.

  Oh no, was all I could think. I was burning but floating. It got worse.

  I was still firmly in phase zero, where I get a bathump of the heart, a fluttery feeling, then deny it for a while.

  Normally when I’d have a crush I’d be at a safe enough distao let it grow. The crush-ee would be firmly out of my grasp while I could dream about them.

  This was different. I woke up realizing I had a crush on the person who was one bed away from me.

  Obviously, I couldn’t say anything. It was happening too fast. What would I even say? “Hey Oka and Kalei, guess who I just suddenly got a crush on?” They’d know. They’d know immediately. They were both still asleep. Oka was still asleep, turowards me.

  Was she always this cute? Yes. The answer is yes.

  I hadn’t had too many crushes before her of course, but there were three that really defined and allowed me to cretely dot The Phases I went through during a crush.

  I’m not ting crushes from when I was like five, because I was like five. Well, OK, my first crush was Raina Starlight. But she’s a celebrity, and I had never met her, so I didn’t t her officially. At least not enough to fit into The Phases.

  Crush 1 and Crush 2 fit into a brief three-month window during The Awakening. During The Awakening, I realized I liked girls a lot (separate from my gender reveal, I figured the me being a girl side out of me much soohan figuring out the me liking girls side, my queer saga truly a series of gay discoveries). And suddenly had a barrage of crushes to firm that fact. Well, three crushes.

  Crush 1: Delih DiareDelih Diare sat across from me in my literature css, which had that like circle desk lineup. I stared at her a lot and robably really awkward and creepy about it. She had dyed purple hair (staring at which caused the first heart bathump) and bright blue eyes, which reminded me of a toaster pastry brand. I fortunately did not call her Electric Purple Blue Raspberry (because that was kily my niame for her) as I stared at her and wondered if she’d be charmed if I gave her a box of Electric Purple Blue Raspberry toaster pastries to match her hair dye/eye color bo. She moved away and that kinda ed that up. I don’t think I ever actually talked to her.

  Crush 2: Premitri LosBecause I wasn’t being ed by some stupid crush that moved away, I quickly moved on to Premitri Los, who sat two seats away from Delih in literature css. She was very tall (a likely source of bathumping). I followed her around to tell her about homework assigs when she missed csses. That’s about the farthest that o. She started dating a guy and seeing the guy she picked kind of doused the crush because that guy was the personification of bad judgment. And I found out she was only into guys, which of course eliminated me from the options pool. Plus side, I did get some sweet euphoria from being eliminated from said options pool.

  Crush 3: JeansI got a series of bathumps when I first met Jeans during the first few times I saw her in person. And kind of not in person with her whole proje i power. Now more firmly aware of who I was and what I was about, I got a bit bolder during the Jeans crush, like the aforementioned “girls and irls as like a couple is that a thing please” online search that led to Stel finding out about me liking girls and her being super supportive and cool about it.

  One of my favorite Raina Starlight books was called the Last Flower of the East. It was one of the fluffier Raina books, filled with characters getting all emotional about each other and it was lovely. One of the main characters spoke about his love: “I have not chosen who I burn for, as my heart rings true in a symphony of joy and pain that you have entered my life.” Reaaaal cheesy stuff. But real cheesy stuff that I loved, and rereading it always helped me through crushes.

  I felt a lot better before I knew.