JanePtinum

  “Well Cassie, what are they talking about?” Ivy asks not even a second after closing the door and putting her food on a table.

  “Give it a minute! They’re heading to the roof, but haven't said anything yet.” After a silent minute of Cassie straining her ears she speaks again. “Oh fuck no, this is not something I should be listening to.”

  “Oh come on, like we’ve never overheard anything private before.” Ivy compins.

  “Veto, sorry.” Cassie messes with a small device on her bed for just a moment and starts pying loud music.

  The music makes it impossible to make out either of their words. All the sound melds into a mess of incomprehensible sound. I wonder if Corax has the same issue? He’s never been in a situation where multiple people were talking before.

  I can catch a few words from trying to read their lips, but not enough to really understand what they’re talking about. Every few minutes Cassie turns off the music, only to immediately turn it back on again.

  “I think they’re finally done.” Cassie announces after turning the music off a final time. “Sounds like Vince is headed this way, but Lucas and Ethan are staying upstairs.”

  Ivy is pretending to be upset over Cassie not sharing what she overheard. Or at least I think she’s pretending. It’s kind of hard to understand how she’s feeling since she started drinking. She springs to attention when the door begins to open.

  “Alright everyone, I’ve got some news.” Vince says as he enters. He waits half a moment to make sure nobody is going to say anything before he continues. “Lucas wants to run with his boyfriend’s group for a few weeks.”

  “What? Why?” Cassie asks loudly.

  “Last week was pretty rough.” Ivy says.

  “What? No, I mean why the fuck didn’t he tell us in person?” I’ve never seen Cassie so insulted.

  “He was worried about how you and Ivy would react.” Vince keeps his voice calm and level.

  “Hey!” Cassie yells at Vince. “I’d react fine!”

  “I get Cassie, but why me?” Ivy sounds offended.

  “Hey!” Cassie turns her attention to Ivy.

  “I’m sure he’ll talk to you when you’re sober. For now, just let him be, alright?” Vince asks both of them.

  “Fine, fucker. I’ll show you just how reasonable I can be tomorrow.” Cassie mumbles into her drink.

  “I’m sure you will.” Vince drops onto the bed next to Ivy.

  “What happened to all of you?” I ask quietly to the floor. I don’t want to know the answer, but the weight of infinite possibilities is beginning to crush me.

  “I thought you wanted to pretend everything was normal, Little Blue?” Vince asks.

  “It’s not working.”

  “Alright, do you want to get comfortable on the bed first?”

  “I guess.” Being on the floor isn’t any less comfortable than being on the bed. I might as well move though. Maybe being closer to everyone will somehow help. I pce Corax on my shoulder and climb onto the bed, taking the only open spot next to Cassie.

  “Where do I even start?”

  Vince dives into his story. He details their return to the compound and his conversation with Silver. When he talks about Cassie’s idea to give me the book, she suddenly finds the ceiling really interesting to look at.

  The entire Denver trip is hard to listen to. Guilt rises within me with every bad situation they get into. Vince’s concussion, the cannibals, Ivy getting shot, Cassie losing an arm. Each one drives another spike through my mind. Every one of their injuries is my fault.

  Corax stays on high alert throughout the story. He has to pull me out of my spiraling thoughts multiple times.

  “Sorry I put all of you through that.” I understand why Lucas would want to leave. I put everyone in so many deadly situations. I wouldn’t want to be in a group with me either.

  “It’s alright Little Blue. We’ve all made mistakes, and I’m sure we’ll all make more. What’s important is that we’re prepared for next time, right?” Vince reaches over and puts a comforting hand on mine.

  “Right.” Corax answers for me. I reach up and give him a small pet.

  “Right.” I confirm with far less enthusiasm.

  “You should hear some of the mistakes Vince has made.” Ivy says, a little louder than she needed to.

  “That’s a story for another day.” Vince dismisses her suggestion with a wave of his hand. “Right now, I need to eat.”

  He dives into his pte of bread and beans. The other two already finished their food while Vince was telling his story.

  “Good luck, it’s fucking awful.” Cassie says.

  “We’ve had worse.” Vince mumbles through a mouth full of food.

  “Not by much. You’ve got to talk to Silver about it. I’m sick of fucking beans every week.”

  “Alright, I’ll have a chat today. See if we can't figure something out.” Vince relents.

  “You better.”

  “For now, how about we py some cards or something?” He asks.

  “They’re all in Lucas’ room.” Cassie replies. “I’d pop the lock, but he got upset st time.”

  “Can’t we just go ask him?” Ivy offers an entirely reasonable solution.

  Cassie gives a small shake of her head.

  “The two of them left during your speech.”

  “Ok. And you don’t have a single deck of cards in here?” Vince asks.

  “Not a complete one.”

  “Right. What about you, Little Blue? Anything you want to do?”

  I give a small shake of my head. I don’t even know what I like. How am I supposed to know what to do? Reading would be nice, but that’s not exactly a group activity.

  “Ivy? Any ideas?”

  “I thought you’d never ask. Give me a moment.” Ivy pushes herself to her feet and disappears into the hallway.

  “Where is she going?” I ask Vince.

  “No idea.”

  “I bet I know.” Cassie says before quickly finishing yet another beer.

  “I’m guessing it’s bad?” I ask her.

  She gives a small shake of her head.

  “Not bad, just not my thing.”

  “Oh, I think I know then. Have you ever drawn anything before, Little Blue?” Vince asks.

  “No.”

  “I think you’ll like it.” He reassures me.

  “I can generate a thousand pictures in an instant. I don’t think art is for me.”

  “Maybe not. Ivy will appreciate it if you try though.”

  “Ok.” I guess it’s the least I can do. I owe her that at least.

  Only a few minutes ter Ivy returns with four separate tablets, along with four styluses. She hands one pair to everyone, and then takes a seat next to me.

  “Sorry, you’re going to have to share with Corax. Have you ever used any kind of drawing tool before?” She taps on my tablet a few times, pulling up a program.

  “I’ve never actually used a computer like a human. I’ve always just plugged myself in. It’s more comfortable that way.”

  “Do you want me to get a cord?” She offers.

  “No, It’d probably be easier on my mind to do it in the physical world.” And I’m not sure I want to see what my digital body looks like right now.

  “Alright.”

  Ivy gives a quick rundown of how the program works. By the time she’s done, Vince and Cassie have both started drawing and joking with each other.

  It’ll be tedious, but I should be able to replicate anything I can imagine perfectly. But what do I even want to draw? I could draw Corax, Vince, Cassie, Ivy, or Lucas, but a picture would work just as well. I can only think of two people who I both can’t take a picture of, and would want to draw.

  “Hey Corax? I might need some help.”

  He gives a nod, he probably knew who I was going to draw before I did.

  It only takes a few moments to generate a picture of Kara and Finn, smiling and happy in the b. It’s not a real memory, but I wish it was. I could remove all signs of her sickness, and return the hair she gave me. I don’t think she’d like that though. She’d want to be remembered how she was.

  Once I’ve created the image, I’m only a transcriber. I try to keep my mind bnk while working, but Corax still has to save me a few times. When I finally finish after almost an hour of perfecting my piece, I put my tablet behind me so I don’t have to see it anymore.

  “I’m done.” I announce to the room.

  Corax climbs down into my arms, letting me hold him close.

  “Your parents?” Cassie asks a few seconds after picking up my tablet.

  I give a small nod. It takes me a minute to build up the energy to speak.

  “Kara and Finn, my favorites.”

  “That was the first thing I drew too.” Cassie says barely louder than my own voice. “But I was like 14, so nobody gets to see that.”

  She somehow coaxes a small smile from the depths of my mind.

  “What did you draw?” I ask.

  “Just some dumb doodles.” She makes no motion to show me her drawings. That’s ok. I’m not going to force her to share.

  “Take a look at what I drew.” Ivy passes me her tablet.

  She’s drawn me, working on a drawing of my own. Instead of the photorealistic style I used, hers is highly stylized. Instead of erasing her sketch lines, she emphasized them, drawing attention to every line of my body, inside and out. The colors bleed together into a careful disaster.

  “I look awful.”

  “You look storied.” She emphasizes.

  “I don’t want to be storied. I just want to be normal.”

  “Don’t we all.” I can hear a little bit of regret in Vince’s voice. “We’ll have a few weeks to recover, we can be normal for a while, alright Little Blue?”

  “That sounds nice.” I’m not sure I can handle going out again, at least for a while.

  “Alright, I need to get a few things done before the sun goes down.” Vince stands up and begins to head to the door. “You four have fun.”

  “Oh how will we ever find a way to entertain ourselves without you??” Ivy pretends to swoon over him.

  “I’m sure you’ll find a way.”

  “Finally.” The instant the door closes Ivy turns to me. “Blue, can you keep secrets?”

  “Uh, probably? I’ve never had to before.”

  Corax climbs back to my shoulder and gives me a small tap on my cheek.

  “Corax can, and he’ll bite me if I say anything.”

  “Good.” Ivy turns back to Cassie. “So anyway, it was just after the doctors decred you stable, and I was still in the clinic downstairs. Vince wanted to let me know as soon as possible, so he comes sprinting down the stairs. He arrives out of breath, and grabs the curtain to stabilize himself. He trips, rips down the curtains to my room, and ends up tangled in the things! So everyone stops, a dozen doctors and twice that many patients just staring at him while he fils around!”

  “Fuck that’s funny.” Cassie opens two more beers for each of them before continuing. “Did I ever tell you about the rat?”

  “No?” Cassie has Ivy’s full attention.

  “So, it was real early days, I didn’t even have my legs yet. Me, Vince, Silver, and The Bitch were hiding out in a small town deep in a valley, mostly safe from the storms. Suddenly stuff starts moving, and going missing every night. Food, water, even ammo. Of course The Bitch bmed me, but like I said, I couldn’t walk!”

  “So she orders Vince to figure it out. For a week Vince is going crazy. More stuff disappears every night, and no signs of any kind of break in. They just vanished. So finally, Vince te one night hears something behind the wall. He rips off the moldy paneling, and you know what he sees?”

  “What?”

  “A rat! Fattest thing I’ve ever seen! I swear he must have been 10 pounds! And the thing was eating a bullet just like any other food! Brass shavings and gunpowder everywhere!”

  The two girls burst out into ughter, and it’s even enough to bring a smile to my face.

  Even though I don’t have much to add, it’s still fun to enjoy each other's company. It can’t st forever though. After dozens of stories and a few hours after the light from outside fades, Ivy finally stands up.

  “I’ve got to get to bed. Blue, do you want to sleep together again?”

  Cassie fails to muffle a small chuckle from beside me. She ughed st time I said something like that too. I still don’t get what’s funny.

  “No, I should be ok with Corax.”

  “Alright. See you tomorrow.” Ivy heads into the hallway, leaving the door open for me. I guess I should follow.

  “Good night Cassie.” I say as I leave.

  “Night.”

  Just before I close the door, I see her reaching for one of her books.

  JanePtinum