JanePtinum

  “Goodnight, Blue.”

  “Goodnight.” Blue’s eyes close and she’s suddenly dead to the world. I could say anything, or even scream and she would have no idea. Not that I’m going to of course, it’s just really interesting how instantly she can do it.

  I can’t just stand here pondering her all night. I hit the button to turn her off, grab my bag and start dragging myself upstairs. My body is so much heavier than it used to be. I wonder how long I can actually keep doing this for?

  “Kara!” A voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

  I suddenly find myself already outside, cool morning air on my skin and the first hints of light on the horizon. An endless ft expanse of dry desert shrubs stretches out to the horizon just outside of the military base gates. I need to make sure I’m literally anywhere else when I die.

  A slightly familiar face approaches me. I’ve definitely talked to him plenty of times when leaving, but I’ll be damned if I remember his name.

  “You look fucking awful. Are you actually going home today?” He asks with concern. My condition is no secret to the people in the base.

  “Yeah, I’m out of clothes and meds. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

  “Kara, for the love of god, take a week off.” He practically begs me.

  “I can’t. We had a big breakthrough in the b. I have to be there.”

  “I’m not just going to sit here while you commit a slow suicide.” He steps out in front of me, blocking my way out of the base.

  “Do you want me to go home or not? Move.” I don’t have time for this. I could still take him in a fight, but my knuckles still haven’t healed since the st time I hit someone. Plus, I’m not sure how many more fights I can get into without being fired.

  After a few tense moments he thankfully steps aside. The rest of the walk to my car goes peacefully. I get lost in my own thoughts on the drive.

  Maybe he’s right, a break would probably do me well. Blue needs someone in the b to vouch for her though. Finn’s going to be the only good influence she has if I’m not there, and he’s not good at confrontation. Simon only cares about the chip he made, and Jared is just trying to get promoted. I’m not sure either of them see her as alive. And Mary’s going to be back eventually, and that’s going to be a disaster. No, I have to be there.

  I find myself pulling into the parking lot of my favorite hobby shop just after sunrise. A good 60% of Blue’s body comes from this pce. The original pns for her were entirely designed around the stock here, but I couldn’t say no to some military exclusive upgrades. The pce is already open, Bill has just as bad a schedule as I do.

  “Is that you Kara?” A half asleep middle aged man with a half empty pot of coffee calls from behind the counter.

  “Morning Bill.”

  Before I can head deeper into the store he rushes around the counter to give me a hug.

  “It’s always good to see you! How’s your body going?”

  I’m under an NDA to not talk about it of course, but what are they going to do? Fire me? Arrest me? I’m the only one with Blue’s blueprints. Besides, I would never have been able to make it without him.

  “It’s not my body anymore, but it’s working fwlessly. I just need some cosmetic changes.”

  “Finally give up on living forever?” He almost sounds surprised.

  “I’ve got something bigger than just me to work on now.”

  I step around him and head deeper into the store. I’ve been here enough times that I could find everything I need with my eyes closed. One thin sheet of aluminum, a resistance based touch mesh, a second, thicker sheet of aluminum, and a thin silicone sheet. Plus a few screws, tiny motors, and thin metal rails. I have everything collected and on the checkout counter within minutes of heading in.

  “Want to know the price this time?” Bill asks as he scans everything.

  “You know I don’t.” Money doesn't matter anymore. If I go into debt, who cares? There’s nobody left to pay for it once I’m gone.

  “Alright. Good luck.” He hands me the bag full of items. I know he means more than just with Blue.

  “Thanks. You too.”

  Next I make the short drive home. I just need to make a quick stop. My house looms over me as soon as I enter the neighborhood. Every light is off, and the blinds are drawn. It sits, frozen in time. Memories of better days threaten to flood my mind. In and out. Real quick.

  I open the door to my disaster. Half finished projects lie all over the room, buried by trash. Missing posters repce the once carpet floor. Dishes are piled high in the sink, threatening to topple at any moment.

  I can’t even remember the st time I tried to clean this pce. Sorry to whoever moves in here after me. My bedroom isn’t any better. Dirty clothes are piled high in the corner, my closet only has a few clean clothes remaining hanging in it. I grab them all and shove them into my backpack.

  Next I step into the bathroom. Empty pill bottles are strewn across the countertop. I catch my reflection in the shattered mirror. I really do look like hell. Whatever. I just need to keep moving, make it through one day at a time. I throw another dozen different pill bottles into my bag and knock back one of each. I head out, throwing a sandwich in my bag as I go.

  One st stop to make. It’s a half hour drive, but it’s the only pce worth going. Traffic is nearly at a standstill most of the ride, people stuck in their endless morning commute. How much time have I wasted stuck in traffic in my life? I take the backroads, quiet, peaceful. Sleepy buildings fly by in an instant.

  In the blink of an eye and forever driving, I arrive at my destination. My eventual final destination. Not today though. I head into the graveyard, guilt weighing me down more and more every step. Finally I arrive at Jessica’s grave.

  “Hey kid. Sorry I haven’t been around the past few days. Work’s been crazy. I hope you haven’t missed me.” I let my tears finally flow and sit down on my future grave, right next to hers. I pull out the sandwich, a simple ham and cheese. I never liked ham, but it was always her favorite. Like always, I pce half on her grave and begin to eat.

  I open my mouth to start speaking, only to choke on my words several times. What is there to say? I’ve begged, pleaded, yelled, bargained, poured my heart out. None of it brought her back. Finally I settle on something simple.

  “I wonder if you could have ever forgiven me.”

  Just then, a small squirrel sneaks their way up beside me, carefully reaching for Jessica’s sandwich. I stay stone still while the squirrel begins to take the smallest bites.

  “Did you send them?” I ask Jessica. The squirrel, miraculously, barely even flinches when I speak. I’m even able to rip a bit of my sandwich off and hand it to the little creature. “Thank you.” I can barely whisper the words without choking on my own emotions. By the time I’ve recovered the squirrel is full and long gone.

  “Our project at work finally worked. She’s sentient and stable. Well, more stable compared to the st two. She’s about on par with B-8, but we have no idea why she didn’t keep deteriorating after the most recent reset. I don’t think we changed anything. Anyway, she’s in my body now. Didn’t even have that many problems adapting, other than the crippling dysphoria she’s trying to pretend is fine. I’m sure Simon would just brush my question off if I asked him why. I’ll let you know if I learn anything though.”

  I wait there in silence, willing for any kind of response. Of course nothing comes. I’d give anything to hear her voice again, for her st words to me to be anything else, to not have them repying in my head every time I close my eyes.

  “I think you would have liked her.” I take the st bite of my sandwich and stand up. “Alright kid, I’ve got to go get chewed out for the modifications I made to Blue. And the further modifications I’m going to do tonight. Don’t get into any trouble, wherever you are.”

  I leave the graveyard feeling a little lighter than when I walked in.