Seiji felt the painful breeze blowing against him suspended in the air. Across from him, Miltiades stood t over him. ‘Yuki…I lost again…’ The words tasted bitter to him, but it was less about sourness and more the fact of their familiarity to him.

  He hated it.

  A terrible, rotten, sour taste buried itself first in the nose. Then just whehought the stench was go sank down into his throat. Growing i like a kilo of lead the putrid smell rested in his stomabsp; A rank, ill odor decayed in his belly ing an awful stink lingering for days until he could bear it no longer.

  He hated it.

  Chapter 118 – The Depth of Loss

  A cold day or a hot day, her mattered anymore. It was both that day for him. The day was sid that all he wanted was to be held by something warm, tell him everything would be fine, and work out. The day was so unbearably sweltering that sweat soaked into his clothes with such paralysis that even movi like an impossible feat.

  Seiji, age eight, stood in his bare feet with a simple shirt and shorts wrinkled heavily looking like he had just woken up from bed. Had he partially closed eyes he would have passed the test of being sleepy. Yet he was uo close his eyes even a little. They were wide-awake, so wide it ainful. He stood in the doorway to his mother’s room, a room that he was aced to walking into in the m to greet her as she tidied the room.

  Her room ly for her. He had never known his father to be there, even in the house at all. He hardly remembered the face of his father. It was only because she smiled warmly while pig him up and told him that he was his father that Seiji even knew. It was his mother’s room and she was always there.

  Every m he ted on seeihere. Every m he could see the warm smile. Every m she would let him help her make breakfast. Every m grandfather spent time telling stories while she held onto him.

  Every m he k was going to be warm.

  It was so cold that m.

  Little Seiji’s eyes couldn’t even budge from looking forward. The shell shock that had hit him minutes ago didn’t fade away. Her room was empty. She wasn’t there. The smell of her perfume no longer hung around. The sheets on the bed were unmade and tossed half on the floor. Drawers in the dresser hung low or cast to the ers upside down.

  Each pie the room heated aered. The tears and cracks all bore emotions s that even Seiji, as young as he was, could feel them. Viewing the whole room as a se, it all pyed as a blurred fast-paced movie to his eyes. He saw it all. The heat made him sweat, nothing that tears could calm.

  Ten minutes passed before Seiji’s mind even funed or his lips tried to utter a sound. When his foot stepped into her rid and weak, almost making him colpse, it felt like he had run a marathon. He reached out his hand still catg faded images of her going about ing. “…mom?” He followed her around the ro to keep up, but always just out of reabsp; “Stop! Mom! e babsp; …e…babsp; Mommy!” Seiji dropped to the floor no longer able to see her in his mind.

  As time in the room crept onward a faint scream from another room wound its way to Seiji. He snapped his head up, immediately realizing the sound. “Shoji!” Seiji darted for the hall, but paused looking back at the room. “I…I…’t…” He rushed to see what was wrong with Shoji, but when he finished he returo the room. The empty room loomed before him.

  Seiji spent his m ing up the room. He put all of the things bato pbsp; He remembered watg her and helping with the small things. It had to go babsp; It had to be the same. The lohat he worked the more certain he became. “I ’t let him see!” It was her room. She was still here.

  He finished with the room and stood back to take it in. It felt as though a bit of the warmth had returned, but it still felt bitter ay. Seiji couldn’t look at it anymore. His feet made him flee back to his room. A short distance, but his lungs heaved a pounded in his ears. He slid down to the floor, forced to catch his breath. “…mom…”

  Not until he heard the whining from Shoji again did Seiji dare to move. Once he heard his brother though, he discovered new energy and stood. When he reached his little brother, still an infant at two years of age, Seiji watched fused. All Shoji did was cry at him. “What do you want? I don’t uand!” A growl came from Seiji’s stomabsp; “Oh…I fot about breakfast…”

  Lifting Shoji out of his crib, Seiji wobbled a little with the size of his little brother. Once he had him in his arms to carry, he started walking out of the room. “Let’s go see mom! I bet she’s making—“ Seiji came to a sudden stop and the weight of Shoji disappeared for him. Absent to his mind, his legs resumed walking him through the hall. Eventually, he found himself i with his little brother seated in the chair staring up at him with the expectation of food.

  tless thoughts crowded into his mind. The dizzying torrent of questions without answers paralyzed him again. However, it all boiled down to the same thing each time. He stared back at Shoji, regaining his focus. ‘I’m his big brother! I do this!’

  Watg someone else cook didn’t seem that hard to Seiji to duplicate to him. If she had been able to do it, he should be able to just as well. A half hour ter, a scolding from their grandfather and burns and cuts made him realize the difficulty of cooking.

  Life moved on around the shrine whether Seiji wa to or not. Shoji, he knew, was too young to uand. Therefore, he couldn’t bme him for not ag any differently. In spite of uanding, his heart kept hoping and drawing him to her room each m with the expectation of her being there with a smile as always, like it had all just been a terrible dream. He wao wake up from the nightmare that only he experienced.

  Rumors in school soon circuted around him. They isoted him repeatedly, having found something to sink their teeth into, the boys. He only had three surrounding him. “Is it true that she couldn’t stand you a in the middle of the night?” The other two snickered and ughed.

  “Hey, I bet he couldn’t stop wetting the bed! So she left such a bad child behind!” added the sed boy finally finding a pause between ughter.

  The third boy spped his hand on Seiji’s desk looking at him with a wicked expression. “She probably took one look at him ated that she was his. Isn’t that right?”

  The boys ughed moving closer to him. Any light or salvation closed behind them. “Well Seiji? You little momma’s boy? You chased her way didn’t you?”

  “Yeah, she got sick of hearing you whining all the time for her!”

  “Even his daddy knew better than to stick around!”

  Seiji’s head tilted down with a deep imperable shadow over his eyes. Sweat built up along his ned fabsp; His hands ched in his p pressing together painfully. He wao say something, anything, but his mouth wouldn’t open. All he did was take in all of the ughter and their twisted looks. It was his new routine, no longer spending time in the warmth of her light.

  He returned home that day having received another round of verbal abuse after school before they let him leave. It left a boili of emotions primed on the surfabsp; He nearly reached the limit of his enduranbsp; Seiji slowly walked the stoh to the shrine. Their grandfather stood out front removing stray weeds from the grounds.

  When his grandfather took notice of Seiji arriviopped his work and half turo face him. “Shoji’s been calling for you. I think he’s hungry.”

  Any other day, Seiji would have tio walk without a sed thought in mind, but not that day. He knew well enough that Shoji never called for him, he was still too young. All he ever said was ‘mama’, a painful reminder. Seiji snapped with a fierce gre through thinly narrowed eyes, “I’m not his mother! Why don’t you go find her for him, if you pick weeds all day!?”

  Not expeg such a venomous retaliation, it took him a moment to recover. “There is no oo find,” he responded curtly and sharply with a snapping tone mixed in, “He has none.”

  “Yes, he does! She’s out there right now!”

  His grandfather turned his full body to face Seiji, no longer tent to give him half of his attention. The full height and stature bore out through his words. “There is no one! We are the only family! End of discussion!”

  Seiji felt shaken in the presence of his grandfather. All of the ahat he felt meant nothing before him. He had never seen him or heard him raise his voi. Seiji was at a loss. Any more words came out muted, barely audible. He just marched on into the shrine wanting to get out of sight as quickly as possible.

  The rest of the night followed iive silenbsp; Seiji had no words to say, still taken babsp; Only Shoji spoke and it still came out as broken Japanese. In the m, Seiji thought the atmosphere improved, but the moment he saw his grandfather it all came ba. All of the emotions and words that he held back rose to the surfabsp; Awkwardly funing, he made breakfast a for school. However, when school ended something happened. Something ged for Seiji on that day.

  The leader, of the roughly grouped elementary school boys, shoved Seiji up against the wall of the school. Through the day, Seiji tried to ighem as usual, it only seemed to make them more annoyed with Seiji. “Where do you think yoin’ Seiji? You’ve got no oo return to so quickly!”

  “Right!” the sed boy piped up, “Stay a’s have some fun!”

  “Yeah, you’ve got no one anyway!” the third chimed.

  A twit Seiji’s eyebrow respoo the words. Within his mind, the words echoed repeatedly. ‘There is no one!’ His grandfather’s words pounded against his head making him ache. Seiji forcibly grasped the side of his head wanting it out. ‘He has none!’ The voice became louder and louder until he couldn’t evehe children.

  His other hand rose to hold down the pressure he felt. ‘Stop it! I do! Don’t tell me I don’t!’ Seiji shook his head a little trying to fight his grandfather’s voibsp; A sweat along the back of his ned shoulders built up as heat from inside his body grew. ‘Shut up!’ The pain in his head spread further making his arms shaking and spun a terrible odor in his stomach.

  The stro grew the more he hated it.

  He hated it!

  Laughter from the kids broke through for a moment when Seiji opened his eyes. His eyes narrowed viciously fueled by the endless emotions stored inside. Seiji lunged forward, the leader’s arm brushed away iion, tag the boy to the ground. The other two boys stepped back surprised that Seiji, always quietly taking their abuse, acted out. Seiji let his fist fly without even thinking. ‘I do! I do!’ Each punch came backed with his thoughts.

  After the initial surprise finally wore off for the two, they grabbed Seiji up off the kid and threw him backwards. Seiji stumbled and slid a little on the grass, but his rage ignored everything that happened. He went after the boy in his sights without thought to the others. His hands grasped for the kid grappling for a hold when his friend came in behind and grabbed Seiji. Seiji strai their hold savagely reag for anything. ‘Don’t tell me I don’t! Don’t you!’

  Seiji’s back smmed into the dirt again, taking several more hits from the boys. He ed his legs up around one of the boy’s legs while his arms went after another. The kids didn’t know how to react to the wild manner of Seiji’s struggle. They fought to peel him off them.

  In the fusion, Seiji mao pin one down and y in a few more hits before tossed off. He took his beatings and broke free again nding on top of the leader running his fist into him. Drops of tears built up in his eyes the longer he went. “I have a mother!” he screamed, his voice carrying through the entire schoolyard.

  Enough time passed in the fighting, two teachers ran out shouting ahead of them breaking up the small group of on looking students. Bruised and a bit bloody, the three boys paused in their kicks making a calcuted decision. They immediately let Seiji go and ran off to stay ahead of the teachers. Seiji was in no shape to flee, his strength finally leaving him with his rage disappearing. Oeacher tinued after the boys while the other stayed to take Seiji bato the school.

  A nurse visit and a phone call ter, Seiji faced his grandfather and principal of the school. He heard little of the words between them, but the results left him with a day suspension fhting. Another yelling from his grandfather came when they got home, which Seiji also hardly heard.

  Nothing was ever the same again for Seiji. The school puhe boys as well, but none of it actually stopped the abuse. It deyed it a little, but they resumed quickly. Yet Seiji no longer allowed them to get away with their talk. He struck back at them each time. Elementary school became violent for Seiji, but it wasn’t until junih school that truly became dark for him.

  When junih arrived Seiji left behind the kids that tormented him, but he came out of it rougher and stronger. The few that followed him to his school stayed away from him. Rumors circuted, but most didn’t know of his family situation.

  His reputation as a violent student carried with him. It brought an unease ahrough most of the junih, as no one wanted anything to do with him. The ck of fights left him with anger resting on the surface with no outlet. He started looking for trouble out of school from anyone. A strange look would be enough for him ter. Everyone made fun of him in his mind and he o show them all.

  One day after school, a more superstitious person might have sidered the importaing fate or destiny. For Seiji, the day was the happiest he had ever been in years.

  Seiji, age thirteen, stood looking proudly cliché with his school jacket unzipped and wild hair casting a shadow in an alley. Opposite him looking ued, but no less ready for a brawl, was a short thin looking kid his age wearing a different uniform. Seiji knew immediately from looking at him walking on the sidewalk that something was different. He raised his fists, crag his knuckles dispying his strength. “The moment I saw your eyes I didn’t like you!” roared Seiji with barely managed rage. “That look thinking you’re better! Don’t look down on me!”

  Still ued, the young teen raised a tired eye to Seiji. “I haven’t said anything. What’s with the anger? We’ve never met.”

  “It doesn’t matter! Your eyes said everything I o hear!”

  “I think your eyes o be checked, because the only thing mine are right now are bored.”

  “See you do think you’re better than me! I’m going to show you h you are!”

  The boy had a little trouble dealing with the illogical pattern of rationale ing from Seiji. He ran his hand through his hair sighing to himself a little. A bhrough his fingers at Seiji gave him his attention. “Who are you?”

  “I’m Seiji Tsuji and you ’t tell me I have no one!” Seiji threw out his hand with his index finger poi the teen iion.

  “Huh? I haven’t said that.” Anh came from him. “Well whatever, I guess you’re looking for a fight and I’ve definitely been itg for something. I doubt your thick head will remember it, but Yuki Hayashi is the ohat has beaten you!”

  “Don’t go making assumptions until the fight’s finished!” Yuki and Seiji charged at each other fists ready. After the first few blows most of the details to the fight disappeared for Seiji. He just remembered the feeling. The feeling was unlike any of his hts before. All his fists ever felt was a dull pain burning with heat that made his stomach long after which the only cure was another fist. Against Yuki, his fists ran cold. All of the rage disappeared in those moments.

  It ure.

  At the end, Seiji id on the ground looking up at Yuki with the sunlight crag between the buildings. It darkened Yuki’s face leaving only an offered hand in sight. “…I lost?” ask Seiji, smiling.