I slipped past the arcane dome of protection and activated Spike Fault, this time calling up shafts of rocky stone directly beneath Uncle Sam’s feet. The Dweller howled as the rocky spears shredded his legs—one shooting straight into his groin. I didn’t know what kind of patriotic plumbing he had going on down there, but judging by the sound he made, I was pretty sure that had to hurt.
At the same moment, the timer on my Doppelganger Dans hit zero.
The clones lunged forward with mindless fury, eyes glowing, limbs twitching. Two of them barreled into a nearby War Dog, clinging like deranged toddlers mid-tantrum before they detonated. The explosion turned them into a spray of extra chunky salsa and ripped apart the War Dog in the process.
The other two charged Uncle Sam, completely ignoring the jagged stone spikes underfoot as they scrambled toward the pinned Dweller with single-minded rage. One leapt into the air and lunged for his throat while the other hurled himself at Uncle Sam’s torso, wrapping its arms and legs around the gangly Dweller before erupting in another meat shower. Thanks to the concentrated laser fire they’d soaked up earlier, both clones were fully charged and highly volatile. They exploded and Uncle Sam’s health bar plunged.
The creature staggered and I took the opportunity to press my advantage, triggering a fresh round of Hydro Fracking Blast. This time I didn’t split the beam but kept the full force of the blast aimed squarely on the Uncle Sam’s chest. Pressurized water drilled another hole through the monster’s body but after a few seconds I received a combat notice.
Due to Napalm Ichor, Uncle Sam has resisted the effects of Scorching Erosion!
That was unfortunate though not unexpected.
It also meant Mana Overpressure was also off the table, since I could only activate the secondary ability once the target had accumulated two stacks of Scorching Erosion. I still had a few tricks up my sleeve, though. With the Delver pinned in place, I kept the beam of Hydro Fracking Blast trained on him and pulled free the Bowling Ball of Rolling Momentum. I sent it spinning around me in an arc, letting it build additional speed and force with ever pass.
My Mana was running a little on the low side, so I also used my ‘juggling’ technique to proc Wild Surge, bumping my Mana back up to seventy-five percent and increasing Mana Regen by Regeneration rate by 25% for 2 minutes.
I needed time to let the momentum build, but unfortunately Uncle Sam wasn’t quite ready to give up and die. Not just yet. The Dweller stretched out a hand and sent a pair of smoky eagles flying toward me on a kamikaze mission. I dove left, avoiding one eagle, then split my water beam and tried to blast the second from the air. The water passed right through without even slowing the shadowy bird.
I had just enough time to activate two more Doppelganger Dans Spell Cards as I braced for impact… but the bird never landed.
A swirling black hole formed nearby, and the sheer gravity of the vortex pulled the shadowy eagle directly into its center, crushing it entirely from existence.
Jakob’s Gravity Well ability in action.
I nodded to the Cendral before jumping right back into the fray.
The Bowling Ball had finally gained enough kinetic force, so with a thought I sent it screaming toward Uncle Sam. Instead of aiming the ball at the Dweller’s narrow chest, I aimed for the legs, figuring those had to be the monster’s weakest point. Uncle Sam’s fiery eyes widened in shock, but between the stone spikes and Jakob’s Quantum Entanglement, there was no place for him to go. The ball hit with a thunderous crunch of bones and Uncle Sam’s right leg folded in half, shattered beyond repair.
His health bar plunged again and the creature wobbled unsteady, now supported only by a single lanky leg.
I sent my hammer rocketing forward and triggered Gavel of Get Fucked a moment before it smashed into the Dweller’s other leg. As the hammer landed his other leg cracked and snapped, triggering Bone Break Ripple. The fracture “rippled” out from the monster’s femur, shattering the kneecap and exploding Uncle Sam’s pelvis.
He let out a high keening whine then toppled over, landing with a thump as one stone spike impaled him through the stomach and another lanced through his shoulder.
Before I could finish the job, Temperance raced across the air and leapt at the fallen Dweller like a feral animal with her teeth bared in a snarl.
“May you never know a moment of peace,” she hissed, thrusting a hand toward his gaunt face as she unleashed Ball of Dire Mosquitoes. The writhing sphere of bugs slammed into him head-on, exploding into a swarm that immediately began burrowing into his papery flesh. Uncle Sam screamed as the insects dug deeper, vanishing beneath his skin.
Then, in one smooth, brutal motion, she brought her cleaver down in a clean arc. Thunk. The blade bit through his neck, severing his head in a single, satisfying strike.
His HP flashed red and hit zero, though his headless corpse continued to shake and convulse for a few moments longer before finally going still.
Experience rolled in—though sadly not enough to push me up another level—accompanied by a new Research Achievement.
Research Achievement Unlocked!
Dog Fighter
Ah, the classic double-whammy. A high-speed aerial “dog fight,” complete with barrel rolls, heat seeking lasers, and enough G-force to liquefy your internal organs—all while simultaneously playing fetch-the-grenade with a squad of War Dogs on the ground.
And not regular dogs, either.
Genetically engineered super dogs, bred for genocide, with knives for teeth. At one point, you were technically fighting in two biomes at once. That’s not just multitasking. That’s a war crime and a Cirque du Soleil audition all rolled into one.
Reward: 550 Experience Points, 5 x Cooper Delver Loot Tokens, 1 x Silver Ariel Ace Loot Token, 1 x Gold Chew Toy Loot Token
Title: Dog Fighter – Gain +15% increased Evasion while airborne and +10% Damage against Canine-class enemies. Experience is a helluva thing.
Notice: You already have 10 Active Titles Equipped. Visit the nearest Progenitor Monolith to curate your titles, via the Title Tab located in your Specimen Bio-Report (SBR).
I didn’t get anything for helping to take out Uncle Sam, which was a shame, but the Dog Fighter Title was almost certainly worth equipping, and I was genuinely curious about what a Gold Chew Toy Loot Token would earn me. As soon as I made it back to the store, I’d need to swing by the Arcade and cash it in. I still had several other Tokens I needed to redeem, but I’d been holding off on using those.
Although the outdated machines I salvaged worked fine, I knew that not all Loot Arcades were created equal. The Jungle Gym Jamboree on the seventh floor, for example, had a variety of games that could be played, allowing Delvers to earn experience points and valuable tickets, which could be redeemed for specific prizes. As great as the Gashapon machines were, what you received was completely random. Sometimes the items were amazing, other times they were dog shit.
Even high-grade Tokens could land you with an upgrade that was basically worthless.
Most of the prizes in the Jungle Gym Jamboree weren’t worth it anymore—not at my level—but I figured if there was one Arcade like that, there would probably be others. And I had to imagine the prizes on lower floors would be even better. So for right now, I was saving up as we delved, waiting for something that would better compliment my strange build.
“Well that was almost a complete shitshow,” I muttered.
“Speak for yourself,” Harper said, “none of us died and I gained another two levels just from that encounter.”
“And let’s not forget about the fireworks,” Croc said, padding over in his bright blue dog form, tongue lolling happily like he hadn’t just watched witnessed a massacre. “Personally, I’ve never seen fireworks, but I’ve read about them, and they sound really neat. Not as neat as waterslides, but still pretty neat. Do you think we could set off a few? You know, for research?” The mimic wagged its tail expectantly. “Strictly scientific. And maybe a little celebratory. But mostly science.”
I sighed. “Yeah, fine. I suppose we can set a few off. Fireworks are, objectively, badass.”
And not just badass. They could be useful.
As good as my spell cards were, I wouldn’t turn down actual dynamite or a little thermite. In a place like the Backrooms, that would probably be handy to have around at some point or another. It might even be worth trying to annex the entire kiosk. An endless supply of regenerating explosives didn’t sound like a drawback to me. When I idly selected the space using my mini-map, however, I immediately received an error message.
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Error Report #16D724101X
Whoopsie! You’ve selected 1,500 square feet of Progenerated Material Resource Space currently claimed by a hostile party! To convert and annex the selected material, you must first establish a valid claim by purging the current owner. Good luck!
Well shit.
Although I’d killed the Uncle Sam—the Overseer of this particular kiosk—I was guessing that none of the kiosks could be claimed until I finished off the Franchisor. Which was probably for the best. The idea of a spatial gateway I didn’t fully control opening straight into my safe haven?
I knew a Trojan Horse when I saw one.
There was nothing to stop me from raiding the ever-loving shit out of the kiosk’s available stock of explosive supplies, though. I quickly summoned the Rat Pack, but instead of having them help with corpse patrol, I assigned them a different mission: collect the fireworks for transport. They immediately broke into frantic motion, darting into the nearby aisles then pulling everything off the shelves they could get their grubby little hands on.
“But before we can get drunk and play with fireworks,” I said, “we need to clean this mess up first.” I gestured at the corpses scattered across the gore-splattered floor. “Plus, I also want to see what sort of Relics these things have.”
Everyone else was in complete agreement, and we wasted no time in butchering the corpses and harvesting their spatial cores.
The Dogs of War each had three Relics apiece.
The first two were both Uncommons, Warborn Instincts and Ballistic Hide.
Warborn Instincts was a passive that allowed the user to automatically detect all concealed enemies and environmental traps within a fifty-foot radius while also granting partial immunity to fear-based physic attacks. It wasn’t as good as Spelunker’s Sixth Sense, but it would be a significant find for most lower-level Delvers. Although Dwellers were always a danger in the Backrooms, the single biggest threat were traps and environmental hazards.
As for Ballistic Hide, it was also a passive, which reduced the damage of all non-magical, ranged-based attacks by 50%. It also granted the user Kevlar-infused skin that granted an additional 25% chance of reflecting projectiles back at the shooter. A solid ability, but because it didn’t offer any protection from arcane damage, it wasn’t good enough to swap into my current lineup. Still, I could easily see it benefiting someone like Harper, who mostly stayed away from the frontline action.
On top of those two, each War Dog also had a unique Rare-grade Relic with a large variety of differing abilities. Tactical Zoomies had a short cooldown period and was basically an upgraded version of Moving Walkway, offering a 300% movement rate bonus for ten seconds and 25% boost to Perception for five minutes. Friendly Fire was a Stamina-based reaction skill, which redirected “friendly fire”—be that physical or magical—toward the nearest enemy.
That one had Jakob written all over it.
The last two were even better.
Ghost Leash created an etheric tether, connecting an enemy to the caster—if they tried to run, the Ghost Leash would instantly reel them back into range, preventing escape. But there was a catch. While activated, the user also couldn’t get away from the target, effectively making retreat impossible. The last, Fetch the Skull, was an execute ability that allowed the user to instantly decapitate an enemy below 10% total Health—although particular powerful enemies had a chance to resist the attack.
Both options seemed particularly well suited for a brawler like Temperance.
Uncle Sam had several shards, plus four Relics and a particularly powerful Artifact.
Road Rage was an Uncommon Aura based ability that passively triggered a state of irrational rage in nearby enemies, compelling them to attack when in range of the aura. It was like a supped-up version of Jakob’s Faulty Smoke Detector, though the one drawback was that there didn’t seem to be anyway to turn it off. When equipped, Road Rage was always active, bringing out the worst in every enemy. I had a sneaking suspicion that if I forged it with Jakob’s Faulty Smoke Alarm, we could make something even better.
White Phosphorus had the same range as Hydro Fracking Blast and dealt almost as much raw damage. Unfortunately, it also dealt “splash damage” to the user in the process, turning a truly epic weapon into something that was essentially unusable for anyone without either an insanely high Health Regen Rate or a metric-ass load of fire immunity. But that was where the Artifact came into play. Uncle Sam’s Napalm Top Hat of the Patriot converted 50% of all fire-based damage into health.
I would’ve grabbed that up in an instant, but unfortunately it would mean taking off the Crown of the Burger Baron and that was a nonstarter.
The third Relic, Shadow Ops Eagle was a ranged, Mana-based spell with some serious damage potential. The summoned birds dive bombed enemies like hyper-intelligent homing missiles, exploding on contact for forty points of Shadow damage and embedding Shadow Shrapnel in the target, which made all other sources of Shadow damage 50% more effective for two minutes. It didn’t hold a candle to the damage that Hydro Fracking Blast delivered, but it would be a great ranged attack for either Harper or Ed.
The last Relic, Drone Zone, was the one that interested me the most.
Rare Relic – Level 1
Range: 100 Meters
Cost: 50 Mana
Duration: 2 Minutes
Cooldown: 5 Minutes
Pinned down and in need of reinforcements? No problem, just call for air support!
Drone Zone summons a floating, metallic death-orb that hovers ominously overhead, glowing with the kind of laser-charged menace usually reserved for sci-fi tyrants and Saturday morning cartoon villains. Roughly the size of a beach ball—but with the personality of a disgruntled Pentagon intern—the drone immediately begins locking onto targets and firing concentrated beams of light hot enough to carve dicks into the moon.
Summoned drones can fire once every 3 seconds and targets are chosen based on heat signature, hostility rating, and a top-secret algorithm called “Who Looks the Most Punchable.” Each beam deals 50 points of Irradiation Damage, bypasses most conventional armor, and applies the Irradiated Burn Affliction, dealing 2 damage per second for 10 seconds. Drone Zone is not bound by the Geneva Convention or basic human decency.
Use responsibly—or not. Honestly, we don’t care.
This Relic enables Mana usage.
That one had real potential.
I didn’t have room for it inside my Spatial Core, though it was possible I’d be able to add it to the Tome of the Swarm Herald Emblem, when I finally got around to forging it. Until then, I could always equip it to one of my Horrors. Synthia was already my designated ranged specialist, so I could easily swap it with Feral Hairball.
Instead of waiting to divvy up Relics like we usually did, we dropped them all into a pile and quickly sorted through them.
Typically, we operated based on the “keep what you kill” rule, but now that we had Harper tagging along, we needed to make a few adjustments. There was no doubt she’d contributed to the fight, but she hadn’t directly killed anything. She still deserved a fair share of the loot, though. After discussing it for a few minutes we finally settled on a new guiding principle—need before greed, the guiding axiom of gamers everywhere.
With that in mind, we split the loot.
Temp, Ed, Harper, and Jakob each got Warborn Instincts, while the four Ballistic Hide Relics were doled out to Jakob, Harper, Ed, and myself. Harper regularly utilized movement bonuses to plant her Boundary Flags, so she got Tactical Zoomies, and Jakob ended up with both Road Rage and Friendly Fire. Since Temp was particularly well suited for both Ghost Leash and Fetch the Skull she got those, while Ed gladly grabbed the White Phosphorus Relic paired with the Uncle Sam’s Artifact top hat.
In my mind, that was the worst of the lot, but he seemed more than happy with it and insisted he had “big plans” for the Relic. Honestly, he probably just wanted the top hat so that Woodstock wouldn’t accidentally set him on fire.
Harper got Shadow Ops Eagle, which would be a perfect for her ranged fighting style, which left me with Drone Zone. That seemed only fitting since I’d eliminated the drones and already had several other summoning-related Relics.
Once we’d divided everything up fairly, I asked Jakob if I could examine both Road Rage and his Faulty Smoke Detector. Although I hadn’t shared all of the details about the Compass of the Catacomber with Jakob and Temperance, I’d shared enough for them to know a few of its many benefits. Including the unique ability to determine potential forging outcomes before pulling the trigger.
With his approval, I ran a quick analysis to see what would happen if I mashed the two together and was pretty impressed with the overall result.
Broken Car Alarm
Fabled Relic – Level 1
Range: 50 Meters
Cost: 50 Stamina
Duration: 2 Minutes
Cooldown: 5 Minutes
You’ve just activated the single most annoying sound in the known multiverse. Think 1997 Honda Civic. Think 3AM in a Walmart parking lot. Think whee-OOO-whee-OOO-WAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. You know the one. You hate the one.
Broken Car Alarm triggers an ear-shattering, soul-rattling wail that immediately draws the attention of every hostile in earshot. Enemies within range are forcibly compelled to charge the caster in a blind, frothing rage. This isn’t tactical aggro—it’s primal, brain-melting fury. After all, you are the source of that terrible noise, and now they all want to beat you to death with a tire iron.
Anything to stop the ungodly racket.
Affected enemies gain a 20% bonus movement speed toward the caster but also suffer a 50% penalty to accuracy against all other targets. While under the effects of the alarm, enemies also suffer from Migraine Rage, occasionally attacking their allies if they block their path to sweet, sweet silence.
It was a significant upgrade from Faulty Smoke Detector and unlike Road Rage—which couldn’t be easily turned on or off—this Relic was active. The best of both worlds.
I shared the details with Jakob, who seemed just as pleased with the result as I was. After chatting a bit more about the potential benefits and drawbacks, I forged the Relic, netting him his second ever Fabled-grade Relic.
“Danke schoen,” he said with evident satisfaction as he equipped the newly upgraded Relic to his Spatial Core. “This should come in quite handy down below.”
The Rat Pack was mostly done working by the time we were finished, and all of the fireworks sat in a huge, precarious pile in the center of the tent. There were a lot more than I ever would’ve imagined—probably more than I’d ever seen in my entire life. As a kid from rural Ohio who fucking loved fireworks, that was really saying something.
I picked through the pile, selecting a few to set off with Croc and a couple of the more volatile fireworks—particularly the ones with enormous warning labels—and added those to my Spatial Storage. Included was an entire crate of no-shit dynamite, several claymore mines, and a stack of mana-fueled shape charges. After seeing what was in stock, I was even more depressed that I couldn’t annex the Kiosk, even though I understood why.
I used Conveyor Logistics to transport the rest of the stockpile back to the store, then headed for the kiosk exit. Although I felt a sense of urgency to move on, I figured there was always time for fireworks.
We’d just spent the better part of a day grinding through Sunnysiders and after the tussle with Uncle Sam, I figured we’d earned a break.
Besides, it was important to celebrate the small things.
Sure, the Flayed Monarch was still out there, and we had a hellish couple of weeks looming ahead of us, but at long last we were finally ready to leave the twenty-fourth floor in our review mirror. That was worth celebrating, and nothing said celebration like setting off a metric shit load of questionable explosive.
It would also make Croc happy and it was hard to say no to that.