Chapter 32

  Royal Rumble

  Part 2

  Jade then looks up at the ever looming mushroom cloud coming from the nuclear explosion that destroyed Set and from which he just barely escaped.

  “Oh. I almost forgot.”

  Blueprint acquired: Introduction to Nuclear Physics, Subatomic Particle Physics, And The Dangers of Radiation.

  “Here. Take this book and study its contents, after you've both read the previous books I gave you. We'll have to deal with that eventually, and the book will help you understand what we're dealing with and its dangers.” Jade says as he hands the last of the three books to Alura while simultaneously pointing at the mushroom cloud still rising in the distance. “But for right now, we, or more specifically I, will have to deal with that Sydonian army that's been harassing you and is now coming for us. Decibel, are you ready?”

  “Ready and waiting, Master”-Decibel

  “King Artorious Sydionia! This is Jade, the dungeon and Traveler speaking. You must surely have seen the System World Message and know that all the countries of the world are now at war with you. You must also be aware that your policy of using slave labor due to raids on all the other nations under less than legal means by abusing the POW system and disavowing any knowledge of the raids themselves has likely marked your entire nation as war-criminals in one way or another, thus stripping your armies and peoples of any and all war-crime protections! You have also, personally, harassed and hounded my two precious and irreplaceable dungeon bosses to the point that they might well have died without my timely rescue.” Jade's expression darkens on that last point. “Normally, that would merit your immediate and excruciating death at my hands, but today, today is a very special day.” Jade begins to smile, but that smile does not reach his eyes. “If you surrender, unconditionally and immediately, I will pardon all your and your subordinates' crimes against me and mine and then I will take on your nation as a vassal state and negotiate in good faith, to the best of my abilities, with all the other nations your people have victimized to get you the best possible outcome. I await your response with bated breath.”

  “Transmission complete. Message delivered by wind magic. Awaiting response.”- Decibel.

  A few minutes later, the message arrives at the Sydonian army, King Sydonia at the lead.

  “How arrogant! That ball of glass dares to lecture this mighty me?! All he's got is but two craven bitches to aid him! One of them barely dry behind the ears and the other a man-hating madwoman who once slew her lover!” Says the king in such a rage that his face turns purple then green. “Sure, he had some early victories when we still didn't know he existed, and yes, the so-called armies of the rest of the world are all against us, but we can more than handle it, can't we lads! We were just waiting for the right moment, and now it is here! Perhaps if he was challenging us from a deadly labyrinth full of traps and monsters, he might have a chance, but here we are on mostly open ground! MAGES!! Can we send a reply?”

  The closest mage addresses his king “Yes, sire. We have triangulated the message's point of origin. We were merely waiting for your command.”

  “Good. Send these words to that pompous bauble.” King Sydonia clears his throat and sweeps back his cape with flourish. “The kingdom of Sydonia does not kneel, does not cower, and knows not the meaning of defeat! We will never surrender to a cowardly bauble who can only kill men in the dark of night or in their sleep, and has but two equally cowardly women to help him! No matter where you run or where you hide, we shall find and trample you! Surrender now and all your deaths will be quick. Persist in this tedious game of hide and seek and we shall take great pleasure in making your deaths as slow and agonizing as possible! This is your last chance for any semblance of mercy!!”

  Before King Sydonia even finishes speaking, Jade is already within visual rage of the army. “So you run raids in the middle of the night on helpless villagers, men, women and children, take captives for exploitation in brutal slavery, deny any knowledge of such a thing happening, march on my women as an army of over a hundred thousand versus two, and claim that we are the cowards? I'll admit that I don't have a full, encyclopedic knowledge of this world's topography, politics, and country boundaries, but your nation is simultaneously at war with over a dozen countries as a result of your actions, and you openly spurn the one slim hope of escaping the consequences with minimal or no casualties? A wise man once said 'only a fool fights a war on two fronts.' You, Sire, have shown yourself the heir to the throne of the empire of fools by choosing to fight a war on over a dozen fronts! And that's presuming you can deal with me first!”

  This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  “Yet another bitch dares to side with that ball of glass?! As if that will utterly matter, you moronic woman! Men, charge! Capture her alive, if feasible, so I can teach her some 'discipline' so she understand which is the superior sex!”-King Sydonia.

  Jade sighs dramatically. “So an arrogant oaf and a misogynist. I weep for your people having to deal with not just a clown in charge, but an entire circus.”

  “I changed my mind! I don't care if she's alive! Just bring her to me! I'll defile her corpse if I have to!!!”- King Sydonia.

  “And a lost cause.”-Jade

  Arrows enough to blot out the sun rain down on Jade from overhead. Fireballs, lightning bolts, giant spears of ice, and other magics capable of serving as siege weapons head his way, and at the forefront, a large contingent of men charge ahead, screaming a battle-cry, on foot.

  The arrows all vanish, consumed by Jade's [Analysis] ability the instant they get into range. The same happens to all the spells. Both filling up Jade's inventory and mana pool respectively. The men are stripped completely naked as well, but continue their charge, not out of ignorance of their disarmament, but out of rage at being humiliated and fear of being trampled by those behind them, as well as fear of facing their king's wrath for failing to comply with his orders.

  Blueprints acquired: Riding lance, awl pike, war-hammer, broadsword, bastard sword, glaive guisarme, halberd, flail, war-mace, war rod, bec de corbain, polearm, quarterstaff, scepter, weighted net, spring-loaded web, shock pistol, paralysis venom (unknown source), army field rations, waterskin, various different dagger designs, properly balanced throwing knives, and various other tools an infantry might carry.

  When the infantry reaches him, they try to surround Jade to beat him with force of numbers. Jade responds by summoning a spear, stabbing it into the ground and using it as an acrobatic tool to lift his feet into the air and run across the men's chests like in a scene out of Xena, Warrior Princess, knocking them back and unconscious, then impales them with swords summoned directly over their hearts. Death is instantaneous.

  “Last chance, Your Majesty! Don't waste the lives of your men!”-Jade.

  “It's only normal for men to give their lives for their king! MEN!!! KILL HER!!!!”-King Sydonia.

  “Then so be it. The deaths of all these men, good, bad, or something else, is all going to be on your head.” Says Jade with a tone of abject resignation before summoning a sword and shield to rejoin the fight.

  The soldiers try to take advantage of their sheer numbers to grab Jade's limbs and then have an unoccupied man punch him in the face. The poor fool who drew the short straw gets a bite full of venom to his arm, wherein he collapses to the ground, writhing in agony, as he's digested alive, leaving nothing but bones. The others go down to daggers to their vitals, dropping them like flies foolishly and blissfully flying into Raid bug spray. The corpses and weapons soon vanish.

  “Trying to drown me to death with sheer numbers? Hmm. That might work, eventually. But it's going to be costly. Then again, His Majesty has already demonstrated that he gives not a rat's stinky, smelly, shit covered ass about any of you.”-Jade.

  “MEN! Withdraw! Perimeter hold!!” cries out the king. “MAGES! You know what to do! FIRE!!”

  Siege-level area of effect spells rain down on Jade's position, going off just outside his 3 meter radius.

  “Oh. Oh my! SO you do have a working brain and can adapt your battlefield tactics! Sadly, what you've just done is the bare minimum of competence, and not even remotely enough.” Says Jade, who continues to stand there completely unharmed. “My turn!”

  Jade whips out rapid-repeating crossbows and fires at the mage battalion.

  “SHIELD BEARERS!!!”-King Sydonia

  While the well-trained shield bearers indeed manage to step between Jade and the mages to stop the crossbow bolts, the sheer force of the shots and their sheer momentum passes through the men like a hot knife through butter, killing the shield bearers and critically wounding the mages, taking them out of commission.

  “Not bad. Not bad. A proper response. Protecting the mages is crucial in battle. Another time and place, that might have been quite effective. Sadly, you're up against someone who can fire adamantium crossbow bolts.” says Jade before whipping out a light snack, reproducing one of the pastries Alura snacked on in the border city, again without the sleeping agent. “Hey. These are quite good. Would any of you like to try some?”

  Now going completely apoplectic, King Sydonia's face goes from green with rage to outright pale, with blood-shot eyes, bulging veins, and spittle flying everywhere when he speaks. “Don't you dare look down on us, you damned heretical whore who spreads her legs for a damned dungeon!!!”

  “Unable to control your emotions and going completely ape-shit with provocation of this degree? Tsk, tsk. You are such a failure of a king, Your Travesty. Besides, you are wrong about a few things. 1.) I am very much taking you and your army seriously. This body burns through energy like nobody's business and I could easily go into a ravenous frenzy where I accidentally eat your men without knowing it. 2.) I am not one of Jade's followers, groupies, or 'heretical whores' as you so colorfully put it. I am Jade myself, in the flesh, thanks to a System Reward, and though I may have female bodyparts too, I am very much a man, you he-man woman hater! So you can take your male-supremacy garbage and bury it six feet under or burn it to death in a fire and then bury the ashes!”

  “YOU FILTHY LIAR!! I WILL HAVE YOU BEATEN AND THEN SHOW YOU WHAT A REAL MAN IS LIKE BEFORE YOU DIE!... OR BETTER YET KILL YOU FOR SUCH A POOR EXCUSE OF A LIE AND THEN HAVE MY WAY WITH YOUR CORPSE AS A LITERAL FUCK YOU!!” yells a completely crazed king Sydonia in a mania. “MAGES! TACTIC: BACKDRAFT!!”

  The mage platoon focuses almost entirely on flame-based AOE attacks just outside Jade's sphere of influence, blocking out Jade's sight and hearing, scorching the earth and burning everything flammable in the area. When it's all said and done, the mages having to stop to catch their breath and recover their MP, Jade can once again be seen sitting on a chair, completely unfazed, and in fact, enjoying a makeshift BBQ grill by using the surrounding flames.

  “Oh? Trying to suffocate me or subject me to heat exhaustion? That's a workable tactic, if it were used on someone else. Me? I have full control over everything in my lovely sphere of influence, including the temperature.” quips Jade at the efforts of Sydonia's army. “Are you just trying whatever you can think of to see what works? I can't fault that. In your place, I might do the same.”

  “Grrrrhhhaaaaayyyuuuuukkkk!!!!”-King Sydonia