Chapter 55 - No Choice

  Aki sat on the rocky, uninhabited portion of Kovar where the skirmish with Theodore had taken place. Her toes were dipped in the water, and her spear rested on one shoulder. Gulls hovered high beneath the naked blue sky, their cries as much a nuisance as when she'd first learned to despise them as the daughter of a fisherman. How long ago those years had been…

  The grounds around her had once been stained dark with the blood of people from near every corner of Illusterra. Blood that had washed away in the rainstorm from half a fortnight ago. Aki sat here now, almost regretting her actions. Regretting everything she'd done since stumbling upon a cute little girl named Eksa. An innocent and na?ve thing she'd wanted to protect from the pain and suffering Aki had once happened upon herself. In the process, her own fears had been exposed to her. And her heinous actions only continued to mount.

  I had no choice.

  It was hard to believe those words. She found herself saying that every night again and again, trying desperately to convince herself that she had no choice but to aid Dhorjun and Crow with their ambitions. She'd known them for too many years. Had aided them through thick and thin, and had come to be accepted as one of their own. But Shuari's wrath, had it been worth it all to kill a man like Theodore Coraine? Worth it all to earn Eksa's ire and leave her alone? Worth it all to expel a people from their homes and be complicit in their executions?

  I had no choice.

  There it was again. That same line. It was like medication. Once, that line would cure this illness —these ailing questions that came to her every now and then— when they'd been said the first time. Now, she needed it said more. One dose wasn't strong enough. The pains were only growing stronger, and Aki suspected she would soon need stronger medication as well.

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  I had no choice.

  But what other forms of treatment did she have left to her? Alcohol no longer made her forget. Sex no longer made her happy. And these words were now losing their power too. She felt her face where Crow had struck her. Felt the line of dried blood there to leave as a reminder of her failure. She heard his high pitched screams stabbing at her eardrums, remembered his twisted face and utter disgust with her.

  She could have killed Eksa, but she hadn't.

  I had no choice.

  It felt better that fourth time. As if she truly believed she had no choice in that last instance. Aki sighed. She wiggled her toes in the water, wondering if they'd serve well as fish bait. The sea felt kind against her skin. Once, she'd loved falling in, and swimming for hours. Sometimes even chasing after schools of fish, and fewer times catching one with a knife to bring home for supper. Rarely, if ever, did the opportunity to swim pass her by of recent days. Recent years. She couldn't quite recall when last it'd been that she'd stripped bare and leapt into the water, free of all ailments and ill thoughts.

  A particularly plump porgy neared the rocky edge of land. Aki continued to wiggle her largest toes, pretending them a hapless worm that had fallen in and now struggled for dear life. The porgy came, lured by the illusion, and bit down on Aki's big toe. She flinched at the pain, arm jerking down in response. Her spearhead impaled the fish and she pulled it out of the water, rising to her feet and stalking off toward town with the spear resting on her shoulder again.

  Supper, she thought. The gold beads in her braids sparkled beneath the sun.

  Far off to the south, a familiar merchant caravel was swiftly gliding through the calm waters toward Kovar. Eksa's ship. She'd taken to sailing open waters since their return from the edge of the world. To think I plotted attempts on her life with Crow…

  Eksa had done more than survive the Xenarian retribution force. She'd laid waste to all of Hawthorne's plans. That alone made Aki happy. But the fact that she'd tried to have the girl killed remained. She wondered then if there was any room for her on the Eksa's ship. One day perhaps, when she'd finished repenting for all her ills and found the courage to apologize.

  That single thought brought the questions back with a burning vengeance. Apologize. How many apologies do I now owe and too how many people?